I'm getting ready to send a letter back to work, requesting a return. I feel nervous and scared, because for months I could kind of get by assuming that I would go back. But now I have to face the real possibility that I won't get approval for return. And if that happens, well, I'm terrified of that. My security blanket I've been living on this year will be remove from under me.
I just want to know that I will be going back, I want to know that I've got that ahead of me. I'm so terrified of the possibility that I don't, and what I will do then. I'm just scared, and now the deadline for my letter is approaching and I have to face all these fears. The only thing I can do is send my letter, and leave it in the hands of the people who can decide whether I can still contribute. I'm so scared tonight, feeling all the uncertainty.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
How We Create Our Realities and Link
I realized a deep-seated belief I have and have had for a long time--I believe there is something wrong with me. I run from my real self and don't open it up because I'm afraid if people knew certain things about me, then they too would see what is "wrong" with me. I try to "be" someone with no problems, someone who's accomplished, someone who's got it all under control. That's all an attempt to keep people at bay, and keep myself at bay from my real self.
I'm not sure of it's shame or what that stops me from opening up, but it's definitely not something that I want to believe about myself. Because, it's not true.
But here's what I learned--right now, it doesn't matter how "true" or "untrue" it is. What matters is what I believe, which creates my reality. If I believe that I am lovable and worthy of respect and that I am whole and good, just as I am, then that becomes my reality. If I believe that there is something wrong with me, then that also becomes my reality. The "truth" doesn't seem that relevant with this belief.
I think the scary thing is I can't just wave a wand over me and believe "There is nothing wrong with me." This belief is deep, and it will take a long time to believe otherwise. Scary again because it feels out of my control.
So I'm going to do some belief changing using what I know of Katie Byron's "The Work."
Belief: There's something wrong with me.
Is it true? Feels like it, yes.
Is it actually true? No, it's only "true" because I believe it to be.
Turn-around: I am whole, I am kind, I am loving. I am WHOLE, I deserve love and compassion. I am worthy of love an compassion.
Proof: My friends really come through for me when I am at my worst, they offer me more support and sympathy when I'm really upset. THey don't disconnect from me.
I am able to forgive and love others. I am ABLE to feel real love.
When I actually open up, I receive a stronger connection with the other person. They give me more love FOR opening up, not less. My parents didn't give me the love I needed when it came to what they were doing because they were afraid.
There is someone underneath all these limiting beliefs. I've met her, I've experienced her. She is real.
Link: http://beliefcloset.com/blog/
Blog titled "Shame, Vulnerability, and Connectedness"
I'm not sure of it's shame or what that stops me from opening up, but it's definitely not something that I want to believe about myself. Because, it's not true.
But here's what I learned--right now, it doesn't matter how "true" or "untrue" it is. What matters is what I believe, which creates my reality. If I believe that I am lovable and worthy of respect and that I am whole and good, just as I am, then that becomes my reality. If I believe that there is something wrong with me, then that also becomes my reality. The "truth" doesn't seem that relevant with this belief.
I think the scary thing is I can't just wave a wand over me and believe "There is nothing wrong with me." This belief is deep, and it will take a long time to believe otherwise. Scary again because it feels out of my control.
So I'm going to do some belief changing using what I know of Katie Byron's "The Work."
Belief: There's something wrong with me.
Is it true? Feels like it, yes.
Is it actually true? No, it's only "true" because I believe it to be.
Turn-around: I am whole, I am kind, I am loving. I am WHOLE, I deserve love and compassion. I am worthy of love an compassion.
Proof: My friends really come through for me when I am at my worst, they offer me more support and sympathy when I'm really upset. THey don't disconnect from me.
I am able to forgive and love others. I am ABLE to feel real love.
When I actually open up, I receive a stronger connection with the other person. They give me more love FOR opening up, not less. My parents didn't give me the love I needed when it came to what they were doing because they were afraid.
There is someone underneath all these limiting beliefs. I've met her, I've experienced her. She is real.
Link: http://beliefcloset.com/blog/
Blog titled "Shame, Vulnerability, and Connectedness"
Fear
When I binged a few days ago, I was devastated. I felt like a failure, like it was time to give up.
I started to think about why I was so torn up about this binge, why I took it so personally. First off, I still feel some guilt/disappointment when I binge. But this was far more than that, so I think it's good to look into.
Lately, each time I start "anew" after a binge, I set it up as the "fix," as the "final solution." This last time, I really believed I was done with binges forever. I had a new tool (meal plan) and my new bracelet. I got both ideas from another blogger who's recovered from compulsive overeating, and she experienced that kind of "done with the overeating once and for all" that I desperately wanted. But as I write this, I realize that my disorder and my personality are unique. Not only did we have different disorders (compulsive overeating vs. binge eating disorder), we have different personalities (she's a 40 something mom of 2, I'm a single 20 something fresh out of college). In short, I was looking outside of myself for my "answer."
Looking inward is scary because it magnifies the feelings of failure. What I mean by that is there's what feels like a thick brick wall guarding so many of my feelings, beliefs, emotions, etc. I don't have the ability to just access all of that, so when I can't I feel extremely frustrated and often, like a failure. It's scary that accessing those things is out of my control. I like to avoid that feeling, so I manipulate my thoughts into thinking I've finally arrived at the "solution," the behaviors that will bring me to happiness and recovery.
It's a long, bumpy road to recovery. I'm walking it now, just by writing this, just be realizing a pattern. So as I start fresh again, I'm trying to reframe it to see the binge as part of my recovery--maybe a detour--but not as a failure in it. I binged for a reason. I think I'm closer to understanding why (fear of failure, fear of loss of "control"). And that may not be my last binge ever, but I could work towards not letting it last as long (3 days--with the 2nd two being driven solely by feelings of failure).
Binging is part of recovery, not a failure in recovery. It's a tool I can use to learn something about myself, a tool I can use to break a pattern. So I"m going to try to break this pattern of thinking of recovery as a "magic solution," and instead as a long journey that I have to keep on, even when I feel like giving up...especially when I feel like giving up.
I started to think about why I was so torn up about this binge, why I took it so personally. First off, I still feel some guilt/disappointment when I binge. But this was far more than that, so I think it's good to look into.
Lately, each time I start "anew" after a binge, I set it up as the "fix," as the "final solution." This last time, I really believed I was done with binges forever. I had a new tool (meal plan) and my new bracelet. I got both ideas from another blogger who's recovered from compulsive overeating, and she experienced that kind of "done with the overeating once and for all" that I desperately wanted. But as I write this, I realize that my disorder and my personality are unique. Not only did we have different disorders (compulsive overeating vs. binge eating disorder), we have different personalities (she's a 40 something mom of 2, I'm a single 20 something fresh out of college). In short, I was looking outside of myself for my "answer."
Looking inward is scary because it magnifies the feelings of failure. What I mean by that is there's what feels like a thick brick wall guarding so many of my feelings, beliefs, emotions, etc. I don't have the ability to just access all of that, so when I can't I feel extremely frustrated and often, like a failure. It's scary that accessing those things is out of my control. I like to avoid that feeling, so I manipulate my thoughts into thinking I've finally arrived at the "solution," the behaviors that will bring me to happiness and recovery.
It's a long, bumpy road to recovery. I'm walking it now, just by writing this, just be realizing a pattern. So as I start fresh again, I'm trying to reframe it to see the binge as part of my recovery--maybe a detour--but not as a failure in it. I binged for a reason. I think I'm closer to understanding why (fear of failure, fear of loss of "control"). And that may not be my last binge ever, but I could work towards not letting it last as long (3 days--with the 2nd two being driven solely by feelings of failure).
Binging is part of recovery, not a failure in recovery. It's a tool I can use to learn something about myself, a tool I can use to break a pattern. So I"m going to try to break this pattern of thinking of recovery as a "magic solution," and instead as a long journey that I have to keep on, even when I feel like giving up...especially when I feel like giving up.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Binge
Ok. I'm coming off a three-day binge. The last two days were purely mental--they came from a belief that I failed, and that to prevent further pain and feelings of failure, I should just take charge and keep bingeing. Distorted? Perhaps. But that's what I thought and I'm still in that thinking.
This also may be why I binged that first day. I was scared. Scared of feeling the pain. I set myself up at the beginning for "this time" to be the "magic pill." Except I realized today, the last two times I experienced something like the "magic pill solution," I relapsed. So this time, I DON'T want the magic pill. I want the hard work, the clarity, the perserverance, the strength--I want all the things that will lead me to full, stable, PERMANENT recovery. Even if it's three steps forward, two steps back. I need tools that will help me get through this disorder when it's HARD, when I'm at my worst, struggling. Because THEN, I can trust that my recovery is stable, and that I can use those tools when I really need it.
So for now, I'm thinking about what I can do to prevent another binge and to work through the anxiety/pain when it surfaces. I remember when I started, I used to have a few days when I wouldn't want to do anything, felt like shit no matter what. I didn't eat, but those days were probably my "binge" days now. Getting through them was torture, and I think that might be the answer. It's not going to be easy, and it's not supposed to be. And the added perk if it's really hard? I'll be a step closer to lasting recovery, because I made it through the rough times.
This also may be why I binged that first day. I was scared. Scared of feeling the pain. I set myself up at the beginning for "this time" to be the "magic pill." Except I realized today, the last two times I experienced something like the "magic pill solution," I relapsed. So this time, I DON'T want the magic pill. I want the hard work, the clarity, the perserverance, the strength--I want all the things that will lead me to full, stable, PERMANENT recovery. Even if it's three steps forward, two steps back. I need tools that will help me get through this disorder when it's HARD, when I'm at my worst, struggling. Because THEN, I can trust that my recovery is stable, and that I can use those tools when I really need it.
So for now, I'm thinking about what I can do to prevent another binge and to work through the anxiety/pain when it surfaces. I remember when I started, I used to have a few days when I wouldn't want to do anything, felt like shit no matter what. I didn't eat, but those days were probably my "binge" days now. Getting through them was torture, and I think that might be the answer. It's not going to be easy, and it's not supposed to be. And the added perk if it's really hard? I'll be a step closer to lasting recovery, because I made it through the rough times.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Gratitude List
I have a lot to be grateful for, but for some reason I've been afraid to express gratitude. I've been afraid of losing something, so I don't want to feel anything good. So tonight I want to take a stance against that, to fight through. Expressing gratitude means more good will come, that the good I have will stay.
1) I'm grateful for my friend's prayer for my job today
2) I'm grateful for the day I spent with my friend toay
3) I'm grateful for achieving my ice skating goal yesterday (around the rink, no rails!! ;-) )
4) I'm grateful for good music
5) I'm grateful for new inspiring blog posts
6) I'm grateful for feelings of strength and power
7) I'm grateful for how I'm learning to accept other feelings
8) I'm grateful for my new earrings
9) I'm grateful for my new gloves that were really cheap
10) I'm grateful for God--for the little signs He sends me of hope and love
11) I'm grateful for the message I received yesterday about living my life to the fullest NOW--that's the best thing I can do for the future I would eventually like to see
1) I'm grateful for my friend's prayer for my job today
2) I'm grateful for the day I spent with my friend toay
3) I'm grateful for achieving my ice skating goal yesterday (around the rink, no rails!! ;-) )
4) I'm grateful for good music
5) I'm grateful for new inspiring blog posts
6) I'm grateful for feelings of strength and power
7) I'm grateful for how I'm learning to accept other feelings
8) I'm grateful for my new earrings
9) I'm grateful for my new gloves that were really cheap
10) I'm grateful for God--for the little signs He sends me of hope and love
11) I'm grateful for the message I received yesterday about living my life to the fullest NOW--that's the best thing I can do for the future I would eventually like to see
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Letter to myself/Quote
I"m in a weird place, and all that I can do right now is to let myself be where I am. Although, I'm not sure where I am.
I want to recover. I want to be happy. I want to be free of disordered eating for good, for life. I want to begin the rest of my life. I want to begin the transition into young adulthood. I want to start thinking about what I want out of a job, a relationship. I want to start MOVING towards that job, that relationship.
So now the question is: what is holding me back? Something inside me feels scared, scared of investing in goodness and happiness because I've had it taken away from me. And away. And away. It's hard to feel the excitement to move forward when what I feel right now are nerves, fear.
Here is what I have to say to myself: This reaction is normal, and it means things are changing. Don't give up, keep walking down this twisted road. Keep walking through the dark, keep pushing past obstacles. You WILL make it out to see the light of day. And you WILL know a happiness so whole and real that you'll never let it be taken away. It will be with you, always and forever. It is with you now. It's God, it's inside you. I know it.
Hang on. Just hang on, now, when it's hard. You will find something valuable by doing that. You're going to begin living a new life, and know new feelings and a new strength. You're going to do things you've never done. You HAVE TO, to get to the light. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon.
Here is a quote of what I know you can do, when you are ready:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
You are brave, you are courageous, you are kind, you are important. NOW. It's all there now. Don't be afraid. It's your fear that makes your fear come true.
Do not be afraid. Look at the fear. See it. Hold it. Comfort it. Then step up and keep going. You CAN and you WILL do this. You WILL recover for good.
I want to recover. I want to be happy. I want to be free of disordered eating for good, for life. I want to begin the rest of my life. I want to begin the transition into young adulthood. I want to start thinking about what I want out of a job, a relationship. I want to start MOVING towards that job, that relationship.
So now the question is: what is holding me back? Something inside me feels scared, scared of investing in goodness and happiness because I've had it taken away from me. And away. And away. It's hard to feel the excitement to move forward when what I feel right now are nerves, fear.
Here is what I have to say to myself: This reaction is normal, and it means things are changing. Don't give up, keep walking down this twisted road. Keep walking through the dark, keep pushing past obstacles. You WILL make it out to see the light of day. And you WILL know a happiness so whole and real that you'll never let it be taken away. It will be with you, always and forever. It is with you now. It's God, it's inside you. I know it.
Hang on. Just hang on, now, when it's hard. You will find something valuable by doing that. You're going to begin living a new life, and know new feelings and a new strength. You're going to do things you've never done. You HAVE TO, to get to the light. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon.
Here is a quote of what I know you can do, when you are ready:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
You are brave, you are courageous, you are kind, you are important. NOW. It's all there now. Don't be afraid. It's your fear that makes your fear come true.
Do not be afraid. Look at the fear. See it. Hold it. Comfort it. Then step up and keep going. You CAN and you WILL do this. You WILL recover for good.
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