" Everybody’s life is either a warning or
an example. You gotta decide what you’re gonna be. You gotta draw a line in the
sand. And if you can’t do it on your own, you gotta find some other people
around you who can show you how to get there."
Monday, April 2, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tools to stop an oncoming binge
Link: http://www.firstourselves.org/tools-to-stop-an-oncoming-binge/
When you’re bingeing (or bingeing and purging), you’re caught in a highly stressful state. At this point, reason is not in charge. You’re not thinking about how terrible you feel after bingeing. Your only thought is how to give yourself relief, which is what we believe the binge will give us.
I liken a binge to a panic attack because it feels similar in its intensity and the drive to eat *now!* It’s a very tight, intense place of “I have to, I must, I can’t handle this for one more minute…” It’s a build of emotional energy that pow! we find relief from when we binge.
How can we soothe ourselves when we’re in this state? Many of our tools don’t work in this instance because we’re in such a place of panic! We feel caught.
One of my favorite tools to prevent a binge is the “Damage Control Tool” from Emotional Brain Training. You use this tool when your mind is spiraling out of control, when you feel that tight space of “I have to…”, when you’re overwhelmed, caught in obsessive thoughts, when you feel like you’re drowning underwater, when a loved one says or does something that triggers a desire to binge, or when you try on your pants, find that they’re tight, and a torrent of judgment (I’m a fat cow, I’ll never change, I’ll never heal…) throws you under, and sends you to the fridge.
Here’s how to use this tool:
1. Step 1 – Tell yourself, No judgment. Use your name with this step. For example, I would say, “No judgment, Karly.” Using your name is very calming. As Laurel Mellin, the founder of EBT explains, it creates a feeling in the brain of a loving parent caring for us. Much of our work is giving ourselves this unconditional love and care, the nurturing that we need to heal the emotional brain.
Why do we say no judgment? Because when we’re caught in a panic we’re often judging ourselves. We feel guilty or responsible – this sense of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” To soothe this blame, we offer ourselves the mercy of “no judgment” towards ourselves for being human – for feeling panicky, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or wanting to binge. We also offer “no judgment” towards others if we’re blaming others.
2. Remove yourself from harm. This means to get out of the house, the kitchen, to separate from the food, to call a friend, to go for a walk – to do whatever you can to keep yourself out of harm’s way.
3. Tell yourself, This too shall pass. Again, use your name. This powerful reminder reassures us that while we’re feeling out of control in the moment, everything passes. This will pass.
Repeat the cycle until you feel calmer. It usually takes me about 5-7 cycles, depending on my stress level, to move out of panic.
When I’m in a calmer state, that’s when I’m able to access the other tools that help me – the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, deep breathing, inquiry (exploring the needs and feelings that led to the desire to binge), and more.
Other tools that help me move out of a binge:
1. Calling on love. I will literally “call on love,” calling love to me – people both past and present in my life, spiritual figures, pets, love itself, blanketing myself with this love. I imagine them holding me in my time of need until the anxiety and panic fades.
2. Rocking your cravings to sleep. I’ll be posting on this technique separately. I also teach this technique in Becoming Binge Free: The growing human(kind)ness therapy for a happier, thinner, sugar free you.
3. Meditation. Meditation has greatly helped me in creating greater capacity to sit with intense feelings (like wanting to binge!) without acting on them. I aim for a regular practice of 30 minutes a day.
When you’re bingeing (or bingeing and purging), you’re caught in a highly stressful state. At this point, reason is not in charge. You’re not thinking about how terrible you feel after bingeing. Your only thought is how to give yourself relief, which is what we believe the binge will give us.
I liken a binge to a panic attack because it feels similar in its intensity and the drive to eat *now!* It’s a very tight, intense place of “I have to, I must, I can’t handle this for one more minute…” It’s a build of emotional energy that pow! we find relief from when we binge.
How can we soothe ourselves when we’re in this state? Many of our tools don’t work in this instance because we’re in such a place of panic! We feel caught.
One of my favorite tools to prevent a binge is the “Damage Control Tool” from Emotional Brain Training. You use this tool when your mind is spiraling out of control, when you feel that tight space of “I have to…”, when you’re overwhelmed, caught in obsessive thoughts, when you feel like you’re drowning underwater, when a loved one says or does something that triggers a desire to binge, or when you try on your pants, find that they’re tight, and a torrent of judgment (I’m a fat cow, I’ll never change, I’ll never heal…) throws you under, and sends you to the fridge.
Here’s how to use this tool:
1. Step 1 – Tell yourself, No judgment. Use your name with this step. For example, I would say, “No judgment, Karly.” Using your name is very calming. As Laurel Mellin, the founder of EBT explains, it creates a feeling in the brain of a loving parent caring for us. Much of our work is giving ourselves this unconditional love and care, the nurturing that we need to heal the emotional brain.
Why do we say no judgment? Because when we’re caught in a panic we’re often judging ourselves. We feel guilty or responsible – this sense of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” To soothe this blame, we offer ourselves the mercy of “no judgment” towards ourselves for being human – for feeling panicky, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or wanting to binge. We also offer “no judgment” towards others if we’re blaming others.
2. Remove yourself from harm. This means to get out of the house, the kitchen, to separate from the food, to call a friend, to go for a walk – to do whatever you can to keep yourself out of harm’s way.
3. Tell yourself, This too shall pass. Again, use your name. This powerful reminder reassures us that while we’re feeling out of control in the moment, everything passes. This will pass.
Repeat the cycle until you feel calmer. It usually takes me about 5-7 cycles, depending on my stress level, to move out of panic.
When I’m in a calmer state, that’s when I’m able to access the other tools that help me – the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, deep breathing, inquiry (exploring the needs and feelings that led to the desire to binge), and more.
Other tools that help me move out of a binge:
1. Calling on love. I will literally “call on love,” calling love to me – people both past and present in my life, spiritual figures, pets, love itself, blanketing myself with this love. I imagine them holding me in my time of need until the anxiety and panic fades.
2. Rocking your cravings to sleep. I’ll be posting on this technique separately. I also teach this technique in Becoming Binge Free: The growing human(kind)ness therapy for a happier, thinner, sugar free you.
3. Meditation. Meditation has greatly helped me in creating greater capacity to sit with intense feelings (like wanting to binge!) without acting on them. I aim for a regular practice of 30 minutes a day.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Lesson in Recovery/Power of Choice
Lately I've been taking on a lot more responsibility for myself. For me, this mostly means no longer relying on my parents financially. I came up with a budget plan for when I move away that will help me pay insurance and other costs. I've also been paying for things I need on my own. Although I started taking on these responsibilities later in life, I'm proud of the changes I am making.
But I realized that I've also been falling into an old mindset of the "magic pill" with recovery. When I start to make progress in a particular area, I start to think of it as a solution to my disordered thoughts and behaviors. I'm trying to adapt a healthier mindset:
Taking on responsibility for my life and for myself, including all my issues, will help me with my recovery. It is one part that will CONTRIBUTE to my recovery, it will not complete it. It is not a magic pill. It is a contributing factor to my recovery. Other factors I've learned:
1) having healthy attachments
2) fulfillment in work/personal life
3) improved relationship to self
4) alternative behaviors to binge eating/disordered eating
5) honesty
6) support
And now, taking on full responsibility for myself and for my personal problems, rather than blaming my parents or expecting help from them.
Affirmation: I am in CHARGE of my life. I am in charge of my life. I free myself from the past. I free myself from the past.
I make CHOICES, I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.
But I realized that I've also been falling into an old mindset of the "magic pill" with recovery. When I start to make progress in a particular area, I start to think of it as a solution to my disordered thoughts and behaviors. I'm trying to adapt a healthier mindset:
Taking on responsibility for my life and for myself, including all my issues, will help me with my recovery. It is one part that will CONTRIBUTE to my recovery, it will not complete it. It is not a magic pill. It is a contributing factor to my recovery. Other factors I've learned:
1) having healthy attachments
2) fulfillment in work/personal life
3) improved relationship to self
4) alternative behaviors to binge eating/disordered eating
5) honesty
6) support
And now, taking on full responsibility for myself and for my personal problems, rather than blaming my parents or expecting help from them.
Affirmation: I am in CHARGE of my life. I am in charge of my life. I free myself from the past. I free myself from the past.
I make CHOICES, I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Why I Binged?
After my binge yesterday, I'm confused about the reasons I did it. So I want to track the entire weekend to understand what happened.
On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.
I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.
To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.
I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.
What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.
On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.
I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.
To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.
I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.
What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.
Monday, February 20, 2012
What Do I Want?
I've been thinking about this question a lot during the last few weeks. Inside I feel something stirring, some force nudging me to move forward. Take a stance, and go. Do something. Anything. Just start.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Want to Binge, not Not Going To
Right now, I want to binge. I did yesterday and started to today before removing myself from the kitchen. I'm trying to work through this, and journaling as a way to not binge. I have this misguided belief that when I have that binge zone mode come on, I HAVE to binge. At that points, it already feels like a failure because there's some emotion/belief that's powerful, that I assume is more powerful than my ability not to binge. And today I'm calling it out for what it is. I don't NEED to binge when I'm in this zone. I can do plenty of other distracting things, like journaling, going to a store, etc. not to binge.
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
The Kind of Love I Want
In the past, I've been in relationships that didn't work. I was drawn to them out of insecurities, not out of real connection. And the results spoke for themselves--I always felt like I needed to change. I got into a relationship that couldn't work, blamed myself for it not working, thought there was something wrong with me, and it ended and it confirmed all of that.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
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