What Do I Want?

I've been thinking about this question a lot during the last few weeks. Inside I feel something stirring, some force nudging me to move forward. Take a stance, and go. Do something. Anything. Just start.

But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?

There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?

I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.

But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.

I'm still so lost on this.