What I Want

What I want: I want to be content with who I am, I want to love who I am and see myself with clarity. I want to recover fully and permanently from the binge eating disorder. I want to find love, and start a family with the man I fall in love with. I want to know who I am, and I want to look forward to each stage of my life. I want who I am to trump what I do--my job, my social life, my accomplishments. I want who I am to be first and foremost. I want to stop living in fear of my self-destructive tendencies. I want to conquer those tendencies, the insecurities. I want to be who I really am. I want to release all the buried emotions and live a life that I can't even fathom. I want life. A real life. I want the kind of contentment that lasts forever, that can't be shaken by outside circumstances, that stays with me always. I want a family, a home, a life.

Binge

I'm binging today and more importantly, I'm numb. I'm trying to understand what triggered it, and I think I know what it is-vulnerability. I was sitting watching a movie with my mom and she started to cry and I hate seeing that happen, because I'm terrified of being open, warm, loving in front of my family. I'm terrified of them rejecting me, because in my mind that happened when I was a kid. I felt completely rejected for who I was, and shut this person off in front of them. Now when I'm faced with it, I freak out again. Try to hide that person, cover it with food.

And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.

I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.

Who Am I?

I'm lost and confused tonight. I have no idea what I want to do career-wise, and it's starting to frighten me. I think what's really getting to me is a realization that up until now, I've been functioning out of insecurity. I feel like so much of my life has been a "lie," has been driven by things I'm not. I'm not my insecurities, and I'm so fucking tired of them keeping me from the real me.

They are so pervasive I'm even unaware of them. So ingrained in my unconscious that right now, I don't know what steps to take to begin to uncover them. How can I know what to do if there's a huge brick wall keeping me from getting that insight?

Someone told me that once you find it, insecurities and all that just aren't a factor. You just know and nothing gets in the way. I hope there's truth to that, because I would like to begin searching without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my insecurities are there, blinding me.

I'm tired of feeling lied to. I'm tired of feeling manipulated. I'm tired of feeling like I don't "get" it. I'm tired of a half-lived life. I want the truth of me. I want to find who I really am, underneath the pain, the insecurities, the wounds. More than I want to "release" all that stuff I want so badly to know who I really am.

Who Am I?

To My Disorder

To My Disorder,

You came out today, rearing your despicable face. You told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to always prove I was good enough, that I could never just *be* enough. You told me people will always find out the truth about me, that I'm broken. You told me all these lies, and you ruined something very good for me today.

To My Disorder, I want you to know your time is coming to an end. I want you to know I"m done with you. I want you to know you can't tell me I'm not good enough, because I have ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS be enough as I am. I want you to know I"m going down deep to find myself and bring her to the light, and you will move out of the way, you will stop scaring and stopping her from coming up for air. She can hardly breathe and when you keep pushing her down, she will eventually realize you're no good for her. I...I...I...I realize you're no good for me. You're a liar, you're a manipulator, you've made be buy into your lies for so long. And they're just air, they're full of nothing. You're full of nothing, you're empty and souless, and I will beat you.

To My Disorder, I"m going to end this relationship with you. As often as you show up, that's how much harder I will fight you. I will win, piece by piece, battle by battle, slowly. But I will be happy, I will be rid of you, and I will be FREE.

To my Disorder, your time is up. Your time to leave, to be destroyed once and for all, is approaching.

Change of Plans?

Well, tomorrow is when I go to take my test, and I just altered my plans and may be visiting my friend directly after instead of coming home afterwards. This change of plans has made me kind of anxious, and I think I intentionally created this anxiety because I didn't feel comfortable with the calm. This is not the first time I have done this. It's like a form of protection. As though, subconsciously I know how prepared I am for my exam so I want some kind of "out" in case something happens, some excuse. It makes a lot of sense.

So I'm going to attempt to turn it around. I am scared. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am all of the above. And that's supposed to happen. All of my feelings simply are, no shoulds or woulds. I think coming home is a better idea for me, because it means I can decompress and relax. I wanted to avoid that so I changed plans at the last minute.

Letter to myself: Do NOT let anxiety let you feel bad or like you need an excuse for this test. You're scared, and you're taking this test anyway. In fact, that's a big part of WHY you are taking this test. Because you are scared. Because it brings up insecurities. And you've HANDLED them, you've supported yourself, you've encouraged yourself. You got here, HERE, because of all the love from God and from within. You CAN do this and you DON'T need to run to an old coping method of changing plans or organizing something. You're afraid, you're scared. That's ok. That's supposed to happen. Take the test and come home. I promise you love will be there I promise promise promise you will feel good and proud and eager to come home. You deserve to take it without any "cushions." Because now, your cushion after your test is you, is love, is contentment, is knowing you will feel content and loving towards yourself after the test. I promise.

Quotes about Worrying

I worry  a lot, so I'm going to focus my attention away from it now :-)

“Worrying is all about the illusion of control. When you worry, you are expending energy, and it feels like you are doing something… When you stop worrying, you free up energy that can be used more productively.”

Tammy Cravit

“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength.”

 ~Mary Engelbreit

Don't You Quit Poem

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.