Angry Rant

i'm tired. i'm tired of the game. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i was sitting and thinking about what would happen, realistically, if i sought the help of a binge eating coach. they would tell me first i would have to meditate, learn to soothe myself, etc. but i'm so fucking tired of hearing that. i just want to stop the binges. i have meditated. i have journaled. i have learned to connect to my body. and I'M STILL BINGEING AND I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. i need that to be heard. i don't want to binge anymore. maybe i'm looking for a "quick" fix. maybe i'm frustrated as hell. i don't want to binge anymore, and i'm tired of feeling like i have no choice. and that's no one's fault. that's my disorder's fault. that's my ego's fault. i don't understand why i feel like such a failure, why i feel like i can't do anything BUT eat. and i don't want some half assed recovery where i am not bingeing anymore but still feel like complete shit inside.

i want to be happy. i want ot be healthy. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. on the inside. on the outside. and i'm tired of people telling me i can't do it, or telling me i need to do this or that first. i don't want to fucking binge eat anymore. i don't want what to do. 

when i get the urge, i already feel like i have failed. it's so messed up. all the wonderful work i did the last couple weeks. each day that i spent time in my body, feeling sensations...they all led to truly happy feelings. to feeling excited about each day of my life. to feeling peace within.

and then the binge comes. and i'm so fucking angry at it coming. i'm so fucking angry at being let down, again and again and again. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i'm breaking down. i'm cracking. i can't fucking take it anymore. 

i know i did a good job before, i know that my decision to be with myself each day led to those feelings of peace and happiness. and i'm so afraid of the binge taking away that feeling. and it did take it away, but the binge was a symptom of something that needed to be heard. i keep trying and trying and trying and i just hope with each time that i can fight off the binges. and on so many days, i do. how can 2 or 3 days wipe out two beautiful weeks? 

i hate that my ego takes over and doesn't allow me to feel. i hate it. 

i want to be happy. i want to be healthy.