I'm feeling really tense and irritated right now. I don't know. I was trying to watch my favorite TV show, and my parents kept popping downstairs, my dog kept whining and barking, I was distracting myself with the Internet. I just feel flustered and irritated and agh.
I'm having a hard time. I weighed myself today.
On top of that, I have been feeling a lot lately like I'm not really doing as much as I can, or I'm not doing the right things. Something I learned from the last few years is to be weary of my ego, which is extremely good at manipulating me and disguising itself as my real voice.
I think that ego is still driving me to avoid a lot of pain. The first month and a half of my recovery, I was doing many new things and was binge-free. But I also felt like I was in a prison, like I was living a half life. I was constantly forcing myself to meditate, to do this or that. I rebelled a lot because I didn't like the constraints I was placing on myself.
When I was put in a stressful situation, I went on a 3-day binge and most of it was self-sabotage. I was fully aware of my actions and I wanted to fail. I took that to mean that I wasn't doing recovery right, and that what I really needed was to let go and stop putting all these constraints like I need to meditate or do this/that. As I'm writing this, I realize I may have been manipulated by the disordered voice in my head. It used a tense situation to take advantage and to convince me that I still needed it. It used the binge as "proof" that I couldn't recover the way I was doing it. That self-sabotage should have just been a learning opportunity to dig up some beliefs that were stopping me. And in a sense it was, because eventually I did learn some of the beliefs that were stopping me.
What do I want? Full, complete, permanent, recovery. I know that my disordered voice will try to manipulate me, but I know that I want full recovery more than I want to be stuck with it.
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