I'm visiting my friend Jenny out of town this weekend. I'm pretty excited, but also a bit nervous about staying true to recovery when I travel and don't have a routine. As it is, I'm just getting over a two-day binge and my stomach feels sick like every few hours. I'm going to come up with a food plan to help me stay true to recovery. Today I'm only going to have dinner with her, so I plan to have some kind of meat and a small side.
Tomorrow I'm already giving myself permission to have a couple beers, because I know we'll have alcohol. I'll eat a small breakfast, either cereal or a granola bar. For lunch I will have either a hot dog/two sides (if one is a veggie or fruit) or sandwich/two sides. For dinner, I'll have meat/side again. I also know there will be dessert, so I'll have one portion of it.
On Sunday, I'll have half a veggie omelette and a few bites of whatever sides it comes with. A snack a couple hours later, then a late lunch/early dinner at home.
I'm still scared, because I know how different it will all be. Today has been kind of hard because I keep thinking about what will happen in a week, when I know those powerful compulsions will return. I'm scared of them because I know how easily I feel helpless, then give in to them. It's so easy for me to tell myself now it'll be ok, but in the moment it's really powerful and difficult to overcome. I'm praying for the strength to get through this weekend and through next week.
That's all for now.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Today
Today I didn't binge or eat compulsively. But it was easy today. The scary part is what will happen when that powerful, powerful compulsion comes on again?
A girl in one of my support groups said she feels happy more often, but she's scared of when the sad comes. That's how I feel. I feel OK now, safe from the overeating. But what happens when it comes again?
I also realized there's some reason, some painful emotions that caused my relapse. It was like self-sabotage, I felt like I was trying to be something on the outside (abstinent) that I didn't feel on the inside (like a compulsive overeater). That really scares me, because I know how important it is for the shift to happen inside. And I feel like that's missing. I feel worthless inside, like a failure. And that's what holds me back.
Am I worthless? No. I am worthwhile. Everyone is. Am I a failure? No. I've been working so hard at my recovery, and failure only means that I need to rework and try something new. Not I'm a failure, but I think I can do it better next time. And I think I can do it better this time.
A girl in one of my support groups said she feels happy more often, but she's scared of when the sad comes. That's how I feel. I feel OK now, safe from the overeating. But what happens when it comes again?
I also realized there's some reason, some painful emotions that caused my relapse. It was like self-sabotage, I felt like I was trying to be something on the outside (abstinent) that I didn't feel on the inside (like a compulsive overeater). That really scares me, because I know how important it is for the shift to happen inside. And I feel like that's missing. I feel worthless inside, like a failure. And that's what holds me back.
Am I worthless? No. I am worthwhile. Everyone is. Am I a failure? No. I've been working so hard at my recovery, and failure only means that I need to rework and try something new. Not I'm a failure, but I think I can do it better next time. And I think I can do it better this time.
My Ideal Recovery
What does ideal recovery look like to you?
To me, recovery means living my life day to day without obsessing about food. To see food as fuel for my body and think about it only at meal times, to not think about food in terms of weight gain or weight loss. To me, recovery means trust--trusting myself to make good choices every day, trusting myself enough that I can commit to things in the long term without fear of my eating disorder showing up. Recovery is about feeling safe with myself, not being afraid of disordered thoughts that distort reality and make life seem miserable and helpless. Recovery is about seeing my life as full of abundance, strength, and power. Knowing I have choices, and knowing I will make good choices, and knowing I'll forgive myself quickly when I make mistakes.
That's what recovery looks like to me. You?
To me, recovery means living my life day to day without obsessing about food. To see food as fuel for my body and think about it only at meal times, to not think about food in terms of weight gain or weight loss. To me, recovery means trust--trusting myself to make good choices every day, trusting myself enough that I can commit to things in the long term without fear of my eating disorder showing up. Recovery is about feeling safe with myself, not being afraid of disordered thoughts that distort reality and make life seem miserable and helpless. Recovery is about seeing my life as full of abundance, strength, and power. Knowing I have choices, and knowing I will make good choices, and knowing I'll forgive myself quickly when I make mistakes.
That's what recovery looks like to me. You?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
My Rocky Road
This is my first blog post, about my struggles with eating disorders. I've experienced bits and pieces from many different eating disorders, which include undereating, compulsive overeating, overexercising, restricting, etc. But all these disorders have one thing in common--an unhealthy relationship with food, which translates to an unhealthy relationship to myself. I've shared stories with teenage girls struggling with anorexia and elderly men struggling with obesity. Same disorder, different symptoms
I have a lot of hopes for this blog. Before I even started it, I was googling "how to create a blog people will read" and trying to figure out how to make sure my blog would appear on a google search. What a vast difference this is from before, when I did everything I could to hide my disorder from the world. I want people to find this, to start conversations, to swap stories, and most importantly, to get some hope.
So many days and nights when I needed hope I reached out to other people struggling with the same thing. I hope this blog can do that, and I hope that it gives me the same hope as I share my story.
I have a lot of hopes for this blog. Before I even started it, I was googling "how to create a blog people will read" and trying to figure out how to make sure my blog would appear on a google search. What a vast difference this is from before, when I did everything I could to hide my disorder from the world. I want people to find this, to start conversations, to swap stories, and most importantly, to get some hope.
So many days and nights when I needed hope I reached out to other people struggling with the same thing. I hope this blog can do that, and I hope that it gives me the same hope as I share my story.
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