Change of Plans?

Well, tomorrow is when I go to take my test, and I just altered my plans and may be visiting my friend directly after instead of coming home afterwards. This change of plans has made me kind of anxious, and I think I intentionally created this anxiety because I didn't feel comfortable with the calm. This is not the first time I have done this. It's like a form of protection. As though, subconsciously I know how prepared I am for my exam so I want some kind of "out" in case something happens, some excuse. It makes a lot of sense.

So I'm going to attempt to turn it around. I am scared. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am all of the above. And that's supposed to happen. All of my feelings simply are, no shoulds or woulds. I think coming home is a better idea for me, because it means I can decompress and relax. I wanted to avoid that so I changed plans at the last minute.

Letter to myself: Do NOT let anxiety let you feel bad or like you need an excuse for this test. You're scared, and you're taking this test anyway. In fact, that's a big part of WHY you are taking this test. Because you are scared. Because it brings up insecurities. And you've HANDLED them, you've supported yourself, you've encouraged yourself. You got here, HERE, because of all the love from God and from within. You CAN do this and you DON'T need to run to an old coping method of changing plans or organizing something. You're afraid, you're scared. That's ok. That's supposed to happen. Take the test and come home. I promise you love will be there I promise promise promise you will feel good and proud and eager to come home. You deserve to take it without any "cushions." Because now, your cushion after your test is you, is love, is contentment, is knowing you will feel content and loving towards yourself after the test. I promise.

Quotes about Worrying

I worry  a lot, so I'm going to focus my attention away from it now :-)

“Worrying is all about the illusion of control. When you worry, you are expending energy, and it feels like you are doing something… When you stop worrying, you free up energy that can be used more productively.”

Tammy Cravit

“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength.”

 ~Mary Engelbreit

Don't You Quit Poem

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

30 quotes for when i'm feeling down

http://health.allwomenstalk.com/motivational-quotes-for-when-youre-feeling-down/

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm trying to give up control, to let You in a little more, to let You unveil a little more of me.

I'm trying to remember that You are my father, and that you love me without condition, that you love the real me.

I have a hard time trusting You, and it's not because of You, it's because I'm scared. But that's why I'm trying, because I'm scared, because I know that fear means this is right, that fear means obstacle, and obstacle means something worth fighting for. Trusting and loving you fully with all my heart is worth fighting for.

My Gratitude List
1) I'm grateful for the sun coming out
2) I'm going to say that twice-I'm grateful for the sun coming out :-)
3) I'm grateful for how I stayed so focused the whole time of my test
4) I'm grateful for the good movie I watched
5) I'm grateful for feeling ok today
6) I'm grateful for talking to one of my good friends today on the phone
7) I'm grateful for your messages to me
8) I'm grateful for my dog
9) I'm grateful for the love from my parents and my friends
10 I'm grateful for YOU

What I CAN Do

With my test coming up, my nerves are starting to appear. All I can do is breathe and TRY, TRY, TRY to maintain a strong center.

I'm scared of a lot of things, and I'm doing some of them anyway. I'm scared of taking this test, but I'm doing it. AND I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to do well. I'm calm, I'm careful, I'm ready.

A letter to myself:
You've fought through so many bumps to get here, to be ready to take this test. You've faced your fear, you've learned what the test means, what it should mean, and what it SHOULD not and DOES not. You still have love and care in your life, you are still you. You are kind, smart, important (The Help). It doesn't mean anything about YOU. You are someone, a person. About to take a test. And you are going to do well, and you are going to feel proud of your results. That's the goal. To feel good about yourself. Don't let anything or anyone make you feel bad. You ARE going to feel good, because you DESERVE that now. Take back your life. It's for you, It is yours. You're going to take the test, do well, and feel good about it after. Feel good about what you do, and NOW, start to feel good about who you ARE, even the you you don't even know very well yet

Thoughts at End of Day

With my test coming up, I'm starting to feel some anxiety. On top of that, I have to go into work tomorrow and face some stuff I don't want to, then come home and take a practice test. I put a lot of emphasis on the practice test, and I want to be able to focus and prepare for it during the early part of the day, but I don't have that choice. I have to work tomorrow, and coming into a test from my work mindset is really hard. It's not ideal. But it's what I have to do. And it's what I'll do.

So to make it less difficult, I'll plan some ways to relax during work. I"ll focus on myself and practice how to not let work stress/anxiety in, practice how to separate from it.

Feeling not loved?

This is a feeling that comes to me often, and I have a hard time turning it around. Not loved, unlovable, silly, foolish, etc.

It makes me want to turn to food, like I want to now, to fill it. Because some days, I just don't know how to fill it. And that IS ok.

It's ok to feel not loved, because I know it's not true. And even if I can't fully make myself feel loved, I can try and learn and eventually will be able to love myself fully, the way I deserve. So for today, when I feel foolish and like a little girl who nobody loves, I'll just let myself feel that way without turning to food.

To that little girl, you ARE loved, you ARE cared for, by a lot of people. When you open up to people, you may feel silly but you shouldn't. People admire that, people begin to love you and care about you MORE when you do that. Even if you can't see it. Stay open. Open up a little more. That will start to fill this need you have.

Quote and What I want to Do

I've been thinking a lot about why I want to return to my old job. I took time off to recuperate, so that I could return happy and refreshed. But now I'm questioning the point of becoming happy, only to expend my well-deserved energy on something that may not be a good fit for me.

But I won't know until I try. And I know that I deserve to finish what I start. I'm torn on this issue. It's hard to tell whether I'm afraid to go back, or whether I truly feel like it's not the right thing.

So I'm asking God to help me navigate this one. Which choice will prepare me better, will lead me to be closer to myself and Him?

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm sorry for doubting, for the moments in my life where I lose faith and try to take over. I have a hard time trusting, but I know you're there and I know you've got this. Please forgive me and love me, even when I struggle to love myself, even when I doubt and question. I need it the most then.

Me

Food Obsession

I stuck to my meal plan today (for the most part), but spent a lot of time looking up healthy recipes and other recipes. This is indicative of something deeper going on, and I'm avoiding it with food obsession.

Not only that, but I realized tonight that what I want for my life is freedom and hope and love, all of which include a freedom from the food obsession. So even if it's hard, even if I am feeling anxious, the sooner I can stop turning to recipe websites or health food sites, the better it will be for my long term recovery.

That for me starts tonight. For the rest of the evening, I will NOT do any more food obsession behaviors. I will NOT think about tomorrow's meal plan. That's already set, and that's for tomorrow.

For tonight, I WILL relax, watch tv, make some tea, listen to music. I WILL focus on myself and getting through this anxiety.

Gratitude List

Gratitude List

1) I am grateful for my parents being so nice to me, even when I am so mean to them
2) I am grateful for my letter I wrote
3) I am grateful for Pinterest
4) I am grateful for new tv shows I like
5) I am grateful for discovering a new hairstyle today
6) I am grateful for my friend asking me about how my recovery is going, when I really needed it
7) I am grateful for the home my parents provide me, even when they don't have to...for the home they CHOOSE to provide me
8) I am grateful for having enough food, water, clothes, etc.
9) I am grateful for my compassion and sensitivity--I know I will learn to use it to help others
10) I am grateful to God, who's shown me a lot of love, always

Nerves Again

After my nerves got the best of me tonight, I spent hours trying to find jobs, etc. It was to satisfy this overwhelming need to DO something, to feel like I was doing something, even though I'm not sure most of what I did was worth the time. I think I wanted to feel in control.

A lot of this job hunting brings up my feelings of inadequacy and the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I keep trying and trying, then trying something new, then again, to no avail. And then I internalize it as proof that there's something defective about me, something "missing." I realized that reminding myself it's not true helps a little, but it's still hard because I also learned recently that so much of our reality is self-created. That means even when something is not objectively true, if it feels like it is, it can be just as painful.

Which. Is. Scary. That means discovering the truth means changing our reality, and that's something that is extremely difficult for me. The only times I've been able to in the past have been when I had access to my emotions, which seems so out of my control. One day I can feel, the next day it's nothing. Sometimes weeks with nothing. Months. So I keep trying to access them, and I think I push them away further.

So I want to tell myself this: You deserve those emotions to come through for you. They WANT to come through for you. They wait until they know it's safe, and your mind makes it very unsafe for them. That's not good or bad, it just is. Something it's done to cope, to defend. But they are there, they WILL come, you WILL receive them with the love and kindness they deserve, YOU deserve.

I know how scary this job prospect is. But I think the reason it feels downright terrifying is because you're running from "being exposed." You think if you don't get this job, then you'll be left with only the "bad" jobs, then people will see what you're really worth, who you really are. That's why you worked so hard to get good grades, do good work in school. You ran from being "exposed."

But. BUT. You don't have to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There never was, EVER. There never will be. EVER. There is not now. You can stop running. You can be exposed. You will be received with love and kindness, by God, by your friends, by your family, by all the people you love and who love you. You ARE a good person, a kind-hearted and loving person, a person who wants to show her care and affection to the world, but you're afraid. STOMP on that fear. Tell that fear to go screw itself. YOU ARE THOSE THINGS AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

You will find a job.  And it might not seem like the job people would expect from you, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you, and people will show you support. The only thing that makes you think it's not ok are the beliefs you hold, which CAN be changed, which WILL be changed. You WILL love yourself for who you are.

Affirmations:
I love myself for who I am. I am enough. I am whole.
I love myself for who I am.
I am enough.
I am whole.
I am beautiful, as I am.
I am beautiful, as I am.
Who I am is beautiful.
Who I am is beautiful.

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