Job Stress

So lately I've been feeling really anxious about not having a job. I really want one, so I've been sending out resumes. I got a call back yesterday, and was really mad about how I have to travel and can't stay and just focus on getting a job for the New Year.

I just called and she asked me to call back after I return. But since I've hung up, all I can think about is some awkward thing I said on the phone. It's like there's still a belief that I don't deserve it and if I don't get it, it's because I'm not good enough/proof there's something wrong with me. So my mind focuses on one thing I said rather than the fact that I got called back based on my resume, got asked in for an interview, etc. It's all in my head, and more importantly it's all in my beliefs.

Getting a job isn't about being good enough. It's about finding the right one and the timing being right. Even before I called I was doubting this job because it didn't seem like that great an opportunity. It didn't have the "name" that my previous job had (which I can still go back to), but I wanted to give it a try.

It's like for some reason my personal tastes and desires take a backseat to whether or not I think the employer likes me/thinks I'm good enough. I project how I function onto other people, when in reality they may have been impressed with my resume but need to fill the job as soon as possible.

Truth: I AM good enough. I AM enough. I am hard-working. I communicate well. I am smart. I am important. I deserve a good job, doing what I enjoy doing, with people who respect me and whom I respect. I AM enough.

Gratitude List

I'm leaving for India very soon, so I wanted to do a gratitude list

1) I'm grateful for my body sending my messages today
2) I'm grateful for the emotions that came today
3) I'm grateful for the nice weather, even in mid December
4) I'm grateful for the books my friends recommended for me
5) I'm grateful for my friend who let me vent today on the phone about how stressed I am about this trip
6) I'm grateful for lessons I'm learning in boundaries
7) I'm grateful for the feeling of being enough
8) I'm grateful for my friends who are in town--saves me from a lot of lonliness!
9) I'm grateful for God, for His wisdom and plan
10) I'm grateful for my dog

Carrying Shame

I was at the bookstore today, and I saw a very sad looking young man sitting at the table. He was very overweight, his skin looked full, his eyes were red, and he was just staring up at people.

I felt so much sympathy for him, felt like I wanted to just make his life better so he didn't have to deal with whatever shame and pain he was dealing with. To be fair, I have no idea what his life is actually like. I'm projecting something from my own beliefs.

I don't want him to feel bad, and it's just like how I don't want my dad to feel bad about his drinking. I carry the burden of his shame because I don't want him to feel anything. I want him to feel good, but I realize the cost of that. I'm sacrificing my own happiness and health. It doesn't help him at all for me to keep holding his shame. The only way for me to be happy is to let people like that feel shame/pain/whatever they feel in their lives and encourage them to keep working at improvement. I can't feel sorry for people who are miserable,  because it keeps me miserable. For me to be happy, I have to let go of their shame and let them deal with it. Not feel pity on them, but empathy.

This is a big reason why I don't confront my dad about his drinking. I know how ashamed he is, and I can see my belief so clearly through my interaction with this young man at the bookstore.

Another story: I have a friend who got lots of job offers, while I got none when I graduated from college. And I am happy for her, but I feel really insecure about my future because of what people think of me (mainly, people in my community who value a good job). I was at the store with her and we ran into a family friend who poured on the praise about her job offers and didn't say much to me. And I felt pretty low, but I realize now that I do deserve support and encouragement. Unless people give it to me, I don't really need to bother with what they think about me. I work hard and I do the best I can. I make the best of the cards I was dealt. They may not be the best cards as the ones my friend had (good home, stable upbringing, etc.) so I can't possibly compare myself. ANd there's no "better," that's just ingrained in my head from people close to me who value money, good job, etc. And I'm not going to go after that for approval. And I'm not going to rebel either. I just want to be who I am, and be proud of that, and shift my care towards people who give me the support and encouragement I need to succeed, even if it's not the people I grew up with.

Frustration

I've been studying for this graduate school entrance exam, and it's pretty much an open door for my perfectionism to enter. It's caused me to avoid studying because I just don't feel like dealing with the feeling of frustration, discouragement, etc....all caused by the perfectionism. Tonight I was taking a practice test and wanted to avoid one of my fears of getting a low score so just turned it off (it was on the computer) and ate two bowls of cereal.

I know why I'm doing this. In my eyes this test is "super important" and determines everything--my future, my success, blah blah. I'm wise enough now that I know none of that is actually true, but perfectionism still seems to pop up whenever it can. I'm not going to not study, and I'm not going to not take the test, even though I feel like throwing in the towel. I gave up tonight, because coming face to face with that frustration is like dealing with hell. But I also know that it only gets power by me reacting to it. I give in, I give up, etc. It gets worse. So the key here, as awful as it may "SEEM" is to just finish the  practice test. And that's what I'm going to do. Even if I get a score of 400, or of 500. I'm going to sit it out and finish it. Yes my perfectionist mind will make me feel like a failure, but that's the key...it makes me FEEL like a failure, it doesn't MAKE me a failure. That's how it's gotten so strong. I start to identify with it. And I get scared of its consequences, like a low score. I can't run from that anymore. It may cause me to get a low score, but the only way to guarantee a good future is to accept that my state of mind affects me and proceed with life anyway.

Gratitude List

I'm grateful for:
1) peppermint hot chocolates from Starbucks
2) warmish weather in the middle of December
3) night sky
4) my dog
5) my parents, especially today...they've messed up a lot, they still don't even own that...but they 100% love me, from their core
6) my body--for still breathing, walking, moving, even after my mind put it through a terrible binge cycle
7) body sensations, my energy
8) youtube
9) new music
10) God, faith

Date to buy bracelet/necklace

I'm going to start a recovery necklace, with each month that I'm in recovery. I'm going to buy the materials in a month to begin it. I don't know why I don't want to start now, but I just have a sense of mistrust with my binges. It's not that I think I'll binge, but that I'm afraid right now if I start a necklace I'll get some strong pushback.

Maybe it's crazy. Either way, I'll buy in in one month from now, which is January 14th.

Letter to myself

This is for the girl who watched and eventually learned to fear what she saw. This is for the girl who was beautiful as she was, but learned to hate herself, to change herself, to "fix" herself. This is for the girl who had a voice drowned out by the shame and misery around her. This is for the girl whose dad was her hero, who never understood what happened to him. This is my message to the girl:

You are enough, as you are. You are beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, and whole. Your dad is broken and he doesn't know how to fix himself. That's his job. Your job, your only job, is to go back to who you are, who you really are. There is nothing wrong with you. That's so important I'll say it again. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are beautiful and whole, just as you are. Once you believe it, really believe it, your life will change.

Angry Rant

i'm tired. i'm tired of the game. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i was sitting and thinking about what would happen, realistically, if i sought the help of a binge eating coach. they would tell me first i would have to meditate, learn to soothe myself, etc. but i'm so fucking tired of hearing that. i just want to stop the binges. i have meditated. i have journaled. i have learned to connect to my body. and I'M STILL BINGEING AND I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. i need that to be heard. i don't want to binge anymore. maybe i'm looking for a "quick" fix. maybe i'm frustrated as hell. i don't want to binge anymore, and i'm tired of feeling like i have no choice. and that's no one's fault. that's my disorder's fault. that's my ego's fault. i don't understand why i feel like such a failure, why i feel like i can't do anything BUT eat. and i don't want some half assed recovery where i am not bingeing anymore but still feel like complete shit inside.

i want to be happy. i want ot be healthy. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. on the inside. on the outside. and i'm tired of people telling me i can't do it, or telling me i need to do this or that first. i don't want to fucking binge eat anymore. i don't want what to do. 

when i get the urge, i already feel like i have failed. it's so messed up. all the wonderful work i did the last couple weeks. each day that i spent time in my body, feeling sensations...they all led to truly happy feelings. to feeling excited about each day of my life. to feeling peace within.

and then the binge comes. and i'm so fucking angry at it coming. i'm so fucking angry at being let down, again and again and again. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i'm breaking down. i'm cracking. i can't fucking take it anymore. 

i know i did a good job before, i know that my decision to be with myself each day led to those feelings of peace and happiness. and i'm so afraid of the binge taking away that feeling. and it did take it away, but the binge was a symptom of something that needed to be heard. i keep trying and trying and trying and i just hope with each time that i can fight off the binges. and on so many days, i do. how can 2 or 3 days wipe out two beautiful weeks? 

i hate that my ego takes over and doesn't allow me to feel. i hate it. 

i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. 

Want Love to Stay...Always

I was feeling pretty happy, and then last night, I was telling myself I would get up and floss my teeth and go to bed (trying to start a new habit of flossing every other day). But I didn't...I just fell asleep on the couch, thinking that I SHOULD be doing something else (getting up, etc.). Then I woke up around 4:30, and started thinking about food, got up and had some candy. Then I binged. 

And today I had some trouble too, though no "binges." I was eating to feed my mind, not concerned with feeding my body. As I was eating just now, I was really full and had one chicken wing left. I knew I was full, but I felt compelled to eat it. Now I'm trying to understand the belief that fuels this. I feel like things always leave me, things always go away. Love goes away, people go away. So I try to hang on to it when I can. I'm substituting food with love/comfort/etc., and I feel like by eating more than I want then I'm holding onto the comfort and love that I'm afraid will leave me. But ironically, I am distancing the love and comfort even more with each bite past fullness. I'm so afraid of it leaving me that I eat as much of it as I can. IT is love, safety, comfort. I also think that's why I like going to bookstores and cafes so much. Because the couches, the soft lighting...it reminds me of a comfortable home. And I like that feeling. I eat it in because I'm afraid of it leaving. I try to stock up, so to speak, before it leaves me again. It's just a belief. And I can change it.

If I want to keep love and comfort, if I want to keep giving myself more security that it will stay, then I have to start eating to feed my body. Food is not love, even though sometimes it really feels like it. Food is just food, and the only way for me to keep the love and comfort I really want is to not allow food into my body that will make my body feel bad. Food is for my body, not for my head/heart. I have to take in food that will make my body feel good, and THEN I will start to get more safe that love and comfort will not leave me. 

Eating past fullness is basically affirming that love and comfort will leave me, because when I do, I feel guilty/ashamed/bad/etc. I don't feel loved/fulfilled. I feel FULL, uncomfortable full. So I have this fear that it will leave, and then I eat out of that fear, and affirm the fear. It's all from just one belief, that is FALSE. It's not the food causing my grief, it's the belief. Looking for ways to be affirmed. So I have to change it.

Love and comfort will not leave me. I only feel that way when I overeat, even though I'm overeating as a way to not feel that way. It's manipulating me. To get more security and feel safer in what I have, I have to bring in food to nourish my body and make my body feel GOOD. Not my head, not my heart. Because when I feed my head/heart, I feel worse. Every time. And the belief gets affirmed. ANd it's not fair that some fake belief gets what it wants and I don't. 

Tricky Thing Called Anger

Ever since I confronted my mom, we haven't talked about it since. We smile and laugh like nothing happened. For a few days I thought the confrontation was it--it helped me move on. But tonight, I thought about her. I thought about whether or not I could wish her happiness and blessings, and something held me back from doing so. Because I'm still angry. I'm angry that she doesn't give me the love and support I crave and need to succeed in life, that I have to go to other people for it. I'm angry that she won't do what I need.

I need her to help me, to guide me. I need her to support me, to listen to me, to want to listen to all my feelings. This hurt part within me feels so incredibly unwanted, and it needs her. But she's not going to give it what it needs. So the anger blocks the hurt and sadness. I have to let go of these desires to have her here for me, these desires that the past could have been any different, the desire that she could be any different. She is what she is. She may never be the mom I need her to be, but I know that she WANTS to be the mom I need her to be. She worked so hard and did so much for me when I was growing up, to be the best mom possible...according to her. She WANTED to give me all the love in the world. She THOUGHT she was. She was too immature to realize what I needed was a strong role model, a mature parent who could get past her own shame and hear my emotions, soothe my emotions. That's what I needed from her. That's what she couldn't give me. That's OK. Because I know that she wanted to give me the best, she still wants to.

Two More Quotes

Letter To Myself

I am here. Don't listen to the ego. Just listen to the voice within, the voice that is still so quiet, but that will get louder, prouder, happier as you listen to it more. 

I know how hard this is, I know how frustrating this is. But each mistake you make, each setback you have, is proof that you're trying. It's proof of how much you want health and happiness.

But you already have it. All you have to do is let it find you. It's already within, waiting for you to stop constantly searching outside. Waiting for you to receive it.

And I know how scary it is to accept love. You don't feel like you're worth it. You don't feel you deserve it. And some days even knowing these are false beliefs isn't enough to not buy into them. That's OK. As long as you remind yourself that they're lies, go ahead and feel it. Watch what happens. See how it feels, where in your body it is. When you do, it will disappear. Like magic.

Good things are coming to you. Power, love, strength, they are on their way to you now.

"I let whatever happens be okay"

This quote is simply it for me. This quote is my truth. If everything else fell away--my ego, my defenses, my thoughts, my worries--then everything that needed to surface would. Then I could heal. Then my feelings could be addressed.

I'm constantly fighting against myself and it's really, when I think about it, plain dumb. I didn't ask for any painful feelings. I didn't ask for a difficult childhood. I didn't ask to block out certain emotions. I didn't ask for those same emotions to surface later. I didn't do anything to bring about them. I didn't do anything wrong. And that is precisely why everything that happens is OKAY. Because I didn't do anything wrong. Those feelings are okay, the situations I'm in are okay. They don't mean there's something wrong with me.

AND..if I let it be okay, then it WILL be okay. That's all it takes. It's not all about meditation/therapy/etc. In the end it will come down to me, down to God, down to the God's power within me. To let it be okay.

Quotes/Inspiration from Pinterest.com

Something is wrong and something has always been wrong

A gap, a deep, endless gap.

THAT is what is wrong. A gap that hovers just between my ego, my disorder, and my real self. A gap that stays, a gap that grows when it senses I'm trying to close it. THAT is what is wrong.

Why try? I ask myself. Why try, when the moment I try is the moment that gap grows? Why does it seem like my attempts to recover only result in worsening the disorder?

What am I doing wrong? Or more fittingly, what is wrong with me?

This gap tries to protect me from the extreme pain on the inside. But this gap is causing me extreme pain on the outside. Protecting me from hell by putting me in hell. I can't do anything without myself, why does it keep me from myself?

Would like to get this off my chest

When I confronted my mom about my dad's drinking and how it made me feel, she cried. And she made a lot of excuses, none of which made me feel better. Perhaps the worst was when she said "he can't help it."

I'm afraid of opening up to her about my binge eating disorder, because she's so immature she'll think that about me. And I'm afraid of internalizing that.

How come some part of me can recognize my mom for being childlike and immature, yet another part still wants to be seen as "good."

I think the belief I have deep down is that I have to not be who I really am with her because there's something horrid and wretched about who I am. Something that will make all people leave me. Something that made my parents leave me, in their own way. So I have to separate myself from her. And me trying repeatedly to get back in touch with her feels pointless. I feel like it's all pointless sometimes.