Carrying Shame

I was at the bookstore today, and I saw a very sad looking young man sitting at the table. He was very overweight, his skin looked full, his eyes were red, and he was just staring up at people.

I felt so much sympathy for him, felt like I wanted to just make his life better so he didn't have to deal with whatever shame and pain he was dealing with. To be fair, I have no idea what his life is actually like. I'm projecting something from my own beliefs.

I don't want him to feel bad, and it's just like how I don't want my dad to feel bad about his drinking. I carry the burden of his shame because I don't want him to feel anything. I want him to feel good, but I realize the cost of that. I'm sacrificing my own happiness and health. It doesn't help him at all for me to keep holding his shame. The only way for me to be happy is to let people like that feel shame/pain/whatever they feel in their lives and encourage them to keep working at improvement. I can't feel sorry for people who are miserable,  because it keeps me miserable. For me to be happy, I have to let go of their shame and let them deal with it. Not feel pity on them, but empathy.

This is a big reason why I don't confront my dad about his drinking. I know how ashamed he is, and I can see my belief so clearly through my interaction with this young man at the bookstore.

Another story: I have a friend who got lots of job offers, while I got none when I graduated from college. And I am happy for her, but I feel really insecure about my future because of what people think of me (mainly, people in my community who value a good job). I was at the store with her and we ran into a family friend who poured on the praise about her job offers and didn't say much to me. And I felt pretty low, but I realize now that I do deserve support and encouragement. Unless people give it to me, I don't really need to bother with what they think about me. I work hard and I do the best I can. I make the best of the cards I was dealt. They may not be the best cards as the ones my friend had (good home, stable upbringing, etc.) so I can't possibly compare myself. ANd there's no "better," that's just ingrained in my head from people close to me who value money, good job, etc. And I'm not going to go after that for approval. And I'm not going to rebel either. I just want to be who I am, and be proud of that, and shift my care towards people who give me the support and encouragement I need to succeed, even if it's not the people I grew up with.