Want Love to Stay...Always

I was feeling pretty happy, and then last night, I was telling myself I would get up and floss my teeth and go to bed (trying to start a new habit of flossing every other day). But I didn't...I just fell asleep on the couch, thinking that I SHOULD be doing something else (getting up, etc.). Then I woke up around 4:30, and started thinking about food, got up and had some candy. Then I binged. 

And today I had some trouble too, though no "binges." I was eating to feed my mind, not concerned with feeding my body. As I was eating just now, I was really full and had one chicken wing left. I knew I was full, but I felt compelled to eat it. Now I'm trying to understand the belief that fuels this. I feel like things always leave me, things always go away. Love goes away, people go away. So I try to hang on to it when I can. I'm substituting food with love/comfort/etc., and I feel like by eating more than I want then I'm holding onto the comfort and love that I'm afraid will leave me. But ironically, I am distancing the love and comfort even more with each bite past fullness. I'm so afraid of it leaving me that I eat as much of it as I can. IT is love, safety, comfort. I also think that's why I like going to bookstores and cafes so much. Because the couches, the soft lighting...it reminds me of a comfortable home. And I like that feeling. I eat it in because I'm afraid of it leaving. I try to stock up, so to speak, before it leaves me again. It's just a belief. And I can change it.

If I want to keep love and comfort, if I want to keep giving myself more security that it will stay, then I have to start eating to feed my body. Food is not love, even though sometimes it really feels like it. Food is just food, and the only way for me to keep the love and comfort I really want is to not allow food into my body that will make my body feel bad. Food is for my body, not for my head/heart. I have to take in food that will make my body feel good, and THEN I will start to get more safe that love and comfort will not leave me. 

Eating past fullness is basically affirming that love and comfort will leave me, because when I do, I feel guilty/ashamed/bad/etc. I don't feel loved/fulfilled. I feel FULL, uncomfortable full. So I have this fear that it will leave, and then I eat out of that fear, and affirm the fear. It's all from just one belief, that is FALSE. It's not the food causing my grief, it's the belief. Looking for ways to be affirmed. So I have to change it.

Love and comfort will not leave me. I only feel that way when I overeat, even though I'm overeating as a way to not feel that way. It's manipulating me. To get more security and feel safer in what I have, I have to bring in food to nourish my body and make my body feel GOOD. Not my head, not my heart. Because when I feed my head/heart, I feel worse. Every time. And the belief gets affirmed. ANd it's not fair that some fake belief gets what it wants and I don't.