Job Stress

So lately I've been feeling really anxious about not having a job. I really want one, so I've been sending out resumes. I got a call back yesterday, and was really mad about how I have to travel and can't stay and just focus on getting a job for the New Year.

I just called and she asked me to call back after I return. But since I've hung up, all I can think about is some awkward thing I said on the phone. It's like there's still a belief that I don't deserve it and if I don't get it, it's because I'm not good enough/proof there's something wrong with me. So my mind focuses on one thing I said rather than the fact that I got called back based on my resume, got asked in for an interview, etc. It's all in my head, and more importantly it's all in my beliefs.

Getting a job isn't about being good enough. It's about finding the right one and the timing being right. Even before I called I was doubting this job because it didn't seem like that great an opportunity. It didn't have the "name" that my previous job had (which I can still go back to), but I wanted to give it a try.

It's like for some reason my personal tastes and desires take a backseat to whether or not I think the employer likes me/thinks I'm good enough. I project how I function onto other people, when in reality they may have been impressed with my resume but need to fill the job as soon as possible.

Truth: I AM good enough. I AM enough. I am hard-working. I communicate well. I am smart. I am important. I deserve a good job, doing what I enjoy doing, with people who respect me and whom I respect. I AM enough.

Gratitude List

I'm leaving for India very soon, so I wanted to do a gratitude list

1) I'm grateful for my body sending my messages today
2) I'm grateful for the emotions that came today
3) I'm grateful for the nice weather, even in mid December
4) I'm grateful for the books my friends recommended for me
5) I'm grateful for my friend who let me vent today on the phone about how stressed I am about this trip
6) I'm grateful for lessons I'm learning in boundaries
7) I'm grateful for the feeling of being enough
8) I'm grateful for my friends who are in town--saves me from a lot of lonliness!
9) I'm grateful for God, for His wisdom and plan
10) I'm grateful for my dog

Carrying Shame

I was at the bookstore today, and I saw a very sad looking young man sitting at the table. He was very overweight, his skin looked full, his eyes were red, and he was just staring up at people.

I felt so much sympathy for him, felt like I wanted to just make his life better so he didn't have to deal with whatever shame and pain he was dealing with. To be fair, I have no idea what his life is actually like. I'm projecting something from my own beliefs.

I don't want him to feel bad, and it's just like how I don't want my dad to feel bad about his drinking. I carry the burden of his shame because I don't want him to feel anything. I want him to feel good, but I realize the cost of that. I'm sacrificing my own happiness and health. It doesn't help him at all for me to keep holding his shame. The only way for me to be happy is to let people like that feel shame/pain/whatever they feel in their lives and encourage them to keep working at improvement. I can't feel sorry for people who are miserable,  because it keeps me miserable. For me to be happy, I have to let go of their shame and let them deal with it. Not feel pity on them, but empathy.

This is a big reason why I don't confront my dad about his drinking. I know how ashamed he is, and I can see my belief so clearly through my interaction with this young man at the bookstore.

Another story: I have a friend who got lots of job offers, while I got none when I graduated from college. And I am happy for her, but I feel really insecure about my future because of what people think of me (mainly, people in my community who value a good job). I was at the store with her and we ran into a family friend who poured on the praise about her job offers and didn't say much to me. And I felt pretty low, but I realize now that I do deserve support and encouragement. Unless people give it to me, I don't really need to bother with what they think about me. I work hard and I do the best I can. I make the best of the cards I was dealt. They may not be the best cards as the ones my friend had (good home, stable upbringing, etc.) so I can't possibly compare myself. ANd there's no "better," that's just ingrained in my head from people close to me who value money, good job, etc. And I'm not going to go after that for approval. And I'm not going to rebel either. I just want to be who I am, and be proud of that, and shift my care towards people who give me the support and encouragement I need to succeed, even if it's not the people I grew up with.

Frustration

I've been studying for this graduate school entrance exam, and it's pretty much an open door for my perfectionism to enter. It's caused me to avoid studying because I just don't feel like dealing with the feeling of frustration, discouragement, etc....all caused by the perfectionism. Tonight I was taking a practice test and wanted to avoid one of my fears of getting a low score so just turned it off (it was on the computer) and ate two bowls of cereal.

I know why I'm doing this. In my eyes this test is "super important" and determines everything--my future, my success, blah blah. I'm wise enough now that I know none of that is actually true, but perfectionism still seems to pop up whenever it can. I'm not going to not study, and I'm not going to not take the test, even though I feel like throwing in the towel. I gave up tonight, because coming face to face with that frustration is like dealing with hell. But I also know that it only gets power by me reacting to it. I give in, I give up, etc. It gets worse. So the key here, as awful as it may "SEEM" is to just finish the  practice test. And that's what I'm going to do. Even if I get a score of 400, or of 500. I'm going to sit it out and finish it. Yes my perfectionist mind will make me feel like a failure, but that's the key...it makes me FEEL like a failure, it doesn't MAKE me a failure. That's how it's gotten so strong. I start to identify with it. And I get scared of its consequences, like a low score. I can't run from that anymore. It may cause me to get a low score, but the only way to guarantee a good future is to accept that my state of mind affects me and proceed with life anyway.

Gratitude List

I'm grateful for:
1) peppermint hot chocolates from Starbucks
2) warmish weather in the middle of December
3) night sky
4) my dog
5) my parents, especially today...they've messed up a lot, they still don't even own that...but they 100% love me, from their core
6) my body--for still breathing, walking, moving, even after my mind put it through a terrible binge cycle
7) body sensations, my energy
8) youtube
9) new music
10) God, faith

Date to buy bracelet/necklace

I'm going to start a recovery necklace, with each month that I'm in recovery. I'm going to buy the materials in a month to begin it. I don't know why I don't want to start now, but I just have a sense of mistrust with my binges. It's not that I think I'll binge, but that I'm afraid right now if I start a necklace I'll get some strong pushback.

Maybe it's crazy. Either way, I'll buy in in one month from now, which is January 14th.

Letter to myself

This is for the girl who watched and eventually learned to fear what she saw. This is for the girl who was beautiful as she was, but learned to hate herself, to change herself, to "fix" herself. This is for the girl who had a voice drowned out by the shame and misery around her. This is for the girl whose dad was her hero, who never understood what happened to him. This is my message to the girl:

You are enough, as you are. You are beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, and whole. Your dad is broken and he doesn't know how to fix himself. That's his job. Your job, your only job, is to go back to who you are, who you really are. There is nothing wrong with you. That's so important I'll say it again. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are beautiful and whole, just as you are. Once you believe it, really believe it, your life will change.

Angry Rant

i'm tired. i'm tired of the game. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i was sitting and thinking about what would happen, realistically, if i sought the help of a binge eating coach. they would tell me first i would have to meditate, learn to soothe myself, etc. but i'm so fucking tired of hearing that. i just want to stop the binges. i have meditated. i have journaled. i have learned to connect to my body. and I'M STILL BINGEING AND I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. i need that to be heard. i don't want to binge anymore. maybe i'm looking for a "quick" fix. maybe i'm frustrated as hell. i don't want to binge anymore, and i'm tired of feeling like i have no choice. and that's no one's fault. that's my disorder's fault. that's my ego's fault. i don't understand why i feel like such a failure, why i feel like i can't do anything BUT eat. and i don't want some half assed recovery where i am not bingeing anymore but still feel like complete shit inside.

i want to be happy. i want ot be healthy. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. on the inside. on the outside. and i'm tired of people telling me i can't do it, or telling me i need to do this or that first. i don't want to fucking binge eat anymore. i don't want what to do. 

when i get the urge, i already feel like i have failed. it's so messed up. all the wonderful work i did the last couple weeks. each day that i spent time in my body, feeling sensations...they all led to truly happy feelings. to feeling excited about each day of my life. to feeling peace within.

and then the binge comes. and i'm so fucking angry at it coming. i'm so fucking angry at being let down, again and again and again. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i'm breaking down. i'm cracking. i can't fucking take it anymore. 

i know i did a good job before, i know that my decision to be with myself each day led to those feelings of peace and happiness. and i'm so afraid of the binge taking away that feeling. and it did take it away, but the binge was a symptom of something that needed to be heard. i keep trying and trying and trying and i just hope with each time that i can fight off the binges. and on so many days, i do. how can 2 or 3 days wipe out two beautiful weeks? 

i hate that my ego takes over and doesn't allow me to feel. i hate it. 

i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. 

Want Love to Stay...Always

I was feeling pretty happy, and then last night, I was telling myself I would get up and floss my teeth and go to bed (trying to start a new habit of flossing every other day). But I didn't...I just fell asleep on the couch, thinking that I SHOULD be doing something else (getting up, etc.). Then I woke up around 4:30, and started thinking about food, got up and had some candy. Then I binged. 

And today I had some trouble too, though no "binges." I was eating to feed my mind, not concerned with feeding my body. As I was eating just now, I was really full and had one chicken wing left. I knew I was full, but I felt compelled to eat it. Now I'm trying to understand the belief that fuels this. I feel like things always leave me, things always go away. Love goes away, people go away. So I try to hang on to it when I can. I'm substituting food with love/comfort/etc., and I feel like by eating more than I want then I'm holding onto the comfort and love that I'm afraid will leave me. But ironically, I am distancing the love and comfort even more with each bite past fullness. I'm so afraid of it leaving me that I eat as much of it as I can. IT is love, safety, comfort. I also think that's why I like going to bookstores and cafes so much. Because the couches, the soft lighting...it reminds me of a comfortable home. And I like that feeling. I eat it in because I'm afraid of it leaving. I try to stock up, so to speak, before it leaves me again. It's just a belief. And I can change it.

If I want to keep love and comfort, if I want to keep giving myself more security that it will stay, then I have to start eating to feed my body. Food is not love, even though sometimes it really feels like it. Food is just food, and the only way for me to keep the love and comfort I really want is to not allow food into my body that will make my body feel bad. Food is for my body, not for my head/heart. I have to take in food that will make my body feel good, and THEN I will start to get more safe that love and comfort will not leave me. 

Eating past fullness is basically affirming that love and comfort will leave me, because when I do, I feel guilty/ashamed/bad/etc. I don't feel loved/fulfilled. I feel FULL, uncomfortable full. So I have this fear that it will leave, and then I eat out of that fear, and affirm the fear. It's all from just one belief, that is FALSE. It's not the food causing my grief, it's the belief. Looking for ways to be affirmed. So I have to change it.

Love and comfort will not leave me. I only feel that way when I overeat, even though I'm overeating as a way to not feel that way. It's manipulating me. To get more security and feel safer in what I have, I have to bring in food to nourish my body and make my body feel GOOD. Not my head, not my heart. Because when I feed my head/heart, I feel worse. Every time. And the belief gets affirmed. ANd it's not fair that some fake belief gets what it wants and I don't. 

Tricky Thing Called Anger

Ever since I confronted my mom, we haven't talked about it since. We smile and laugh like nothing happened. For a few days I thought the confrontation was it--it helped me move on. But tonight, I thought about her. I thought about whether or not I could wish her happiness and blessings, and something held me back from doing so. Because I'm still angry. I'm angry that she doesn't give me the love and support I crave and need to succeed in life, that I have to go to other people for it. I'm angry that she won't do what I need.

I need her to help me, to guide me. I need her to support me, to listen to me, to want to listen to all my feelings. This hurt part within me feels so incredibly unwanted, and it needs her. But she's not going to give it what it needs. So the anger blocks the hurt and sadness. I have to let go of these desires to have her here for me, these desires that the past could have been any different, the desire that she could be any different. She is what she is. She may never be the mom I need her to be, but I know that she WANTS to be the mom I need her to be. She worked so hard and did so much for me when I was growing up, to be the best mom possible...according to her. She WANTED to give me all the love in the world. She THOUGHT she was. She was too immature to realize what I needed was a strong role model, a mature parent who could get past her own shame and hear my emotions, soothe my emotions. That's what I needed from her. That's what she couldn't give me. That's OK. Because I know that she wanted to give me the best, she still wants to.

Two More Quotes

Letter To Myself

I am here. Don't listen to the ego. Just listen to the voice within, the voice that is still so quiet, but that will get louder, prouder, happier as you listen to it more. 

I know how hard this is, I know how frustrating this is. But each mistake you make, each setback you have, is proof that you're trying. It's proof of how much you want health and happiness.

But you already have it. All you have to do is let it find you. It's already within, waiting for you to stop constantly searching outside. Waiting for you to receive it.

And I know how scary it is to accept love. You don't feel like you're worth it. You don't feel you deserve it. And some days even knowing these are false beliefs isn't enough to not buy into them. That's OK. As long as you remind yourself that they're lies, go ahead and feel it. Watch what happens. See how it feels, where in your body it is. When you do, it will disappear. Like magic.

Good things are coming to you. Power, love, strength, they are on their way to you now.

"I let whatever happens be okay"

This quote is simply it for me. This quote is my truth. If everything else fell away--my ego, my defenses, my thoughts, my worries--then everything that needed to surface would. Then I could heal. Then my feelings could be addressed.

I'm constantly fighting against myself and it's really, when I think about it, plain dumb. I didn't ask for any painful feelings. I didn't ask for a difficult childhood. I didn't ask to block out certain emotions. I didn't ask for those same emotions to surface later. I didn't do anything to bring about them. I didn't do anything wrong. And that is precisely why everything that happens is OKAY. Because I didn't do anything wrong. Those feelings are okay, the situations I'm in are okay. They don't mean there's something wrong with me.

AND..if I let it be okay, then it WILL be okay. That's all it takes. It's not all about meditation/therapy/etc. In the end it will come down to me, down to God, down to the God's power within me. To let it be okay.

Quotes/Inspiration from Pinterest.com

Something is wrong and something has always been wrong

A gap, a deep, endless gap.

THAT is what is wrong. A gap that hovers just between my ego, my disorder, and my real self. A gap that stays, a gap that grows when it senses I'm trying to close it. THAT is what is wrong.

Why try? I ask myself. Why try, when the moment I try is the moment that gap grows? Why does it seem like my attempts to recover only result in worsening the disorder?

What am I doing wrong? Or more fittingly, what is wrong with me?

This gap tries to protect me from the extreme pain on the inside. But this gap is causing me extreme pain on the outside. Protecting me from hell by putting me in hell. I can't do anything without myself, why does it keep me from myself?

Would like to get this off my chest

When I confronted my mom about my dad's drinking and how it made me feel, she cried. And she made a lot of excuses, none of which made me feel better. Perhaps the worst was when she said "he can't help it."

I'm afraid of opening up to her about my binge eating disorder, because she's so immature she'll think that about me. And I'm afraid of internalizing that.

How come some part of me can recognize my mom for being childlike and immature, yet another part still wants to be seen as "good."

I think the belief I have deep down is that I have to not be who I really am with her because there's something horrid and wretched about who I am. Something that will make all people leave me. Something that made my parents leave me, in their own way. So I have to separate myself from her. And me trying repeatedly to get back in touch with her feels pointless. I feel like it's all pointless sometimes.

Self-Love tonight

I've been binging for the last three days. This one came out of nowhere, triggered by some minor insecurities I felt at work. And I've been crying a lot the last few days, feeling desperate, looking up, in, out, down, anywhere for some hope. I know that my eating disorder is trying to win, and I'm not about to let it.

Some part of me is holding on to this eating disorder. So I just want to write a little note to that part, and I'm asking God to help this message get through to the part of me that's afraid to let go:

I know you're scared. I know you think you're not good enough for real life, for real love, for real support. I know how you think this eating disorder is the only thing that's there for you. But. It. Is. Not. True. You are so much more, there IS so much more to YOU. You are beautiful in every way, and you deserve love in every way. God is here, and He will help you. And you will get stronger, and YOU will be the one to kick out the eating disorder.

Things I Like About Myself
I like that I'm a good listener. I like that I forgive my friends easily. I like that I am determined. I like that I always look for the truth. I like that I am willing to change. I like that I am strong. I like that I am kind. I like that I think the dumbest things are funny. I like that I learn. I like that I am here, journaling.

Please know that you are more than this disorder, that you have so much love and kindness in your heart that you can feel. Kick it out. Then we can start the real work. Of really feeling, really loving, really...moving. FAST.

Binge and Being Kind to Myself

After I confronted my mother, I felt a sense of relief. But I also wondered if I confronted her as a way to avoid feeling certain things. In the past, I've cut off relationships to avoid feeling the emptiness. In any case, I did it and I know it was the right thing to do.

I binged today and yesterday, and I'm devastated. What hurts the most is the extreme disappointment I feel, because I hoped that some protective spirit within me was guiding me to recovery and would not let me slip. The idea of fighting off binges terrifies me, and I have this ideal in my head of no longer having the urge to binge. This has actually happened before...the summer after my freshman year. It's like I just wanted to move forward, move on. Suddenly I was eating healthy and exercising, and that was that. There were no urges or frustrations. It came with easy and harmony. And I have this belief that unless that ease and harmony is there, I will fail. Because I will be fighting subconscious forces that in the past have beat me, time and time again.

Just like this time. I really hoped this was it. I hoped that suddenly some loving hand would guide me and my desire to binge would be weaker. And it wasn't. And I binged. And I'm mad as hell, again. I'm mad that I did it. I'm mad that nothing is guiding me. I'm mad that I feel like I have nothing. I'm mad that I feel deficient. I'm mad that it seems like no matter what I do, I can't seem to get to "her" (my real self, my spirit, my strength). I'm mad that she's not coming out and helping me when I need her the most. I'm mad that I feel abandoned. I'm mad that I feel like I can't do this, that I can't love myself enough. I'm mad about it all.

I'm frustrated. And somehow the solution seems to be mad at myself. I binged for a reason. Something triggered some feelings of worthlessness that I didn't want to feel. DING. I didn't want to feel them. Something inside me didn't want to feel them. Consciously I want to, subconsciously I am protecting myself from them. How? By Eating, by binging, by shoving those feelings down. And I know that the secret is really wanting to feel them. But that doesn't feel like it's in my hands. I'm completely confused. How can I feel them if this part of me doesn't want to? I'm so fucking confused.

And I don't trust MY EGO. I want to trust my real self, but my ego keeps getting in the fucking way. Tired. Frustrated.

I've tapped into my power and my strength before, and this time I can't seem to. Something very big is holding me back, and I think I need to be willing to face it.

But right now I'm scared. I'm scared to face it because I can't fight off this powerful force that won't let me. I'm scared of failing. Again. I'm tired of the fight. I want to give up. I want to give in. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not doing this right. I'm doing this wrong. What am I doing wrong? I'm so confused all the time.

Irony and Anger

The irony of holding onto resentment for a boy who hurt you, only to discover that he's living a great life and just landed his dream job

The irony of playing the easy, perfect daughter when you feel completely worthless and destroyed--as a result of their parenting choices

The irony of making their lives easier because they made yours so fucking hard

The irony of going to old childhood habits

The irony, the anger

I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be insecure. I want to know who I am. I want to be secure. I want to be whole. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be STRONG. I want to feel power in my very core, that radiates outward. I don't want to fucking fake it anymore. I am so fucking tired of this life. I want more. I want ME, alive, whole, powerful, able, confident, fully completely and totally. I'm so fucking done.

What if I can't?

That's the thought invading my mind. Not just what if I can't, but what if I am just hardwired to live a life of misery? What if I can't break out of this awful pattern, because it's ingrained from my father? What if my best efforts lead me farther and farther away, and I inadvertently give more power to my insecurities? What if that's a pattern I CAN'T break because it's just who I am?

Feels safer to live on the fence than to jump over and take the risk, risk the possibility that I'm not happy after all.

I'm afraid of being happy and having it be taken away.

I have all these insecurities, and the truth is the one thing I have that I never had before...is awareness. Awareness of the intense pain within, awareness of the distorted beliefs that resulted, awareness of my ego. But how come I don't feel happier for it?

When will I be happy? I guess that's not for me to know, but I would really like it. More than happiness, contentment. The ability to go from place to place, from day to day, and have a home within. A strong home. The kind I never had. I just want to live, and be grateful for each day.

Letting go of the past

I confronted my mother about my childhood. And I didn't just say this or that happened, I told her precisely how it made me feel at the time (as though things that were happening were my fault, something wrong with me, etc.), and she cried. She told me it wasn't. And then that was it. No coming to me afterwards, no reminding me over and over that things weren't my fault, no standing up for me to my father. Nothing that she as an adult SHOULD have done, and it makes it so clear why as a kid I tried to hide my feelings. Because my parents could not get past their own shame to help me through the difficult situation. The situation...THEY caused. They caused it, let me feel horrible, and did nothing about it. And even today when I bring them up, they don't take responsibility. And since I opened up, I've been angry, confused, hurt, and a part of me shut down and locked this part of me inside. Because I had to, even as a kid. I couldn't have done it any differently than, and I can't do it differently now with my parents. They are not going to change. And they weren't going to when I was a kid.

I know some part of me deep down feels afraid to come out now, because my feelings feel so rejected. But that's not me. That's my parents. They are stuck in stuck mode, and they don't want to move. They don't even know how. And they love me, very much. And they want what's best for me. But they can't provide it. And that hurts me. It makes me feel like I've lost two parents, like I have to say goodbye to any chance of having an open, honest relationship with them.

To myself: I know you're afraid, I know you're sad. But I am here. I will listen. I will welcome your feelings, I will give you what you need. And if I can't, it won't be because your feelings aren't worth it, it'll be because I don't know how. And then I'll find out how.

Affirmation: I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I have a lot to give, and I'm going to give first to myself.
I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

Gratitude List

1) I'm grateful for how much my parents love me, even if they can't show me properly
2) I'm grateful for made-for-TV Christmas movies
3) I'm grateful for my therapist
4) I'm grateful for my friends
5) I'm grateful for Thanksgiving coming up
6) I'm grateful for no work this week--relaxing time!
7) I'm grateful for the hot water in my shower
8) I'm grateful for my body, which is in good health and gets me through each day
9) I'm grateful for God
10) I'm grateful for real love

Feel Like Giving Up

Feel completely powerless. I feel like I can't recover, because I'm hardwired for this horrible life. I feel like if my dad couldn't recover for almost 15 years, then there's no hope for me. Feels like I should just give up. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

Binge and Thoughts Behind It

Today, unexpectedly I had a binge. I feel cut off from these episodes, in the same way I cut off from unpredictable episodes in my home as a child. I can pretend on the surface that I am OK, that I am strong and will be OK, but on the inside, a tiny part of me is saying...I feel worthless. I feel like a failure. I feel like there is something wrong with me, and that's why I'm failing. I deserve this.

I'm reliving this pain over and over again, from my past. It never got resolved.

I'm trying very hard to stuff down the real me, the vulnerabilities. That's why I binge. And now I feel emotionally numb, just like in the past. And I feel abandoned, but this time instead of by my parents I feel abandoned by myself.

I'm trying to think objectively back to when it happened. I was at work and it was "treat day." First I had a few bites of some goodies. Then after my break I was feeling frustrated and trapped and stuck, and all of a sudden wanted the food. And I was at work and I felt trapped, like I couldn't eat but desperately wanted to.

I had some more treats, even snuck into the break room for a "bathroom break" to do it. And then as I walked back, I asked myself what was going on. I realized that I was scared, scared of being exposed, of being seen. My desire to keep bingeing got a lot weaker, and that was because I gave myself a little bit of the care it was desperate for. A voice, a tiny voice, to speak its mind, to say "hey I feel really neglected, I feel really worthless, I feel suffocated." A little while later, the thoughts started again. I had the thought that what if all this recovery business is also in my head, like before. What if I start deceiving myself like I did in the past, convinced I'm happy but still repressing emotions? What if those beliefs still lead me to that? And I felt so completely helpless, helpless over the powerful beliefs in my core that I was soooo unaware of and soooo powerless to stop. Beliefs I disown, beliefs I neglect, beliefs I don't even acknowledge. But today, through all of it, I DID acknowledge it. And it was really awful, I felt horrible, and that's an area I need to work on. As mindful as I am now, once I'm really in a dark place, I have distorted thoughts and judge what I see. Any thoughts about being ashamed or the binge being "bad" will continue to lead me down to the road of avoidance and destruction. I have to really listen to myself, to go into that darkness, be as warm, welcoming, and objective as possible when I begin to experience those beliefs and emotions, to heal from them. I have to ACCEPT them. I have to stop being ASHAMED of them. Today what happened wasn't my feelings being bad, it was my ego/my distorted thoughts taking over. THOSE are the powerless forces, THOSE are the bad guys, if anyone. My feelings deserve to be heard, my beliefs deserve to be voiced. And I deserve to heal.

Oprah Quote

Regarding the interview with the woman who ran from her past, Oprah said you have to allow the truth to set you free. You have to let go of the secrets and set yourself free from the shame.

She said the people who really love you, who genuinely care about you, want to see you free. People who want the best for you ALSO want you to be...free.

Wow

Many years ago, I was watching Oprah as she interviewed a well-known New York City columnist discuss her life. This episode was profound because even as a young girl, I could identify with this woman. She grew up with an alcoholic father and mother who couldn't hold down a job, and they lived in poverty. In high school, out of determination, she went out to go to an Ivy League school and become a New York City socialite. But she never told any one about her past. She kept that secret buried deep within her. She wanted to create a new person, someone who was not her real past. And finally it all caught up to her.

It's eerie how much I can identify with her. When I lost weight in college and became happy, I didn't want anyone to know that I was ever overweight or unhappy. I had created a person--someone thin, happy, "normal," confident, no insecurities--and that's who I was going to be. Sometimes I prided myself on how I managed to make it despite my upbringing, but I never shared that. I didn't want anyone to find out who I once was, or what I had done. I was ashamed of myself.

For some reason, this all came to head in the last few weeks. I thought very carefully about my past behaviors and what they said about my beliefs (REAL beliefs, not ones I thought I had). The fact that I never shared my weight loss story with anyone, any stories about my difficult childhood, that I pretended to be this person like I was her all along and never anyone else--I was running fast from my past. I was trying desperately to protect myself from it, not realizing I was actually hurting myself more. I had NEVER realized this until the last couple weeks.

And a few nights ago, I happened to turn on the Oprah Lifeclass show and really liked it. I never watched it once before, or even watched Oprah that often before. Well, I decided to actively seek it tonight. I checked the listings and found another episode of Oprah's Lifeclass scheduled for tonight. So I am watching it, and she's talking about THAT episode. With the woman, who ran from her past. And I can't believe it. I can't believe it, really.

God sent me a message tonight. I know what I have to do. I'm terrified. I don't know where to start. I have so many secrets. Who my dad was. Who Jonathan was. Why I ran.

My answer is here. My guidance is here. I HAVE to follow it, if I want freedom. And my thoughts about waiting until I'm strong enough don't work--because I won't be strong enough until I share these secrets.

Authentic Power Quote

I just read this from Psychology Today:

"Authentic power wells up from within, and it seldom appears full-blown early in life. Rather, it is an outcome of our ability to integrate our experiences in such a way that even adversity is ultimately incorporated into the process of growth. Authentic power is gained through vigorous participation in life, coupled with an openness to new experiences, emotional sure-footedness, strong ties to other people, the ability to find interest and pleasure in whatever we encounter and, most of all, the ability to construct meaning in our lives."


What stood out: "vigorous participation in life" and "the ability to find interest and pleasure in whatever we encounter" and "the ability to construct meaning in our lives."


I accept that I'm not at this place, but I'm working towards it. Vigorous participation in life stood out in particular because I have been missing that  lately. I haven't been participating in my own life. I've been scared. Scared of what I'll find, scared of facing my powerful demons, scared of losing to them. So instead of fighting, of vigorously participating, I'm passively moving forward. What holds me back? Fear of losing. But I WILL lose. These are powerful old patterns and habits, and conquering them means I'll have to fully, completely, totally, 100% commit to hearing them, changing them, fighting them. I'm participating in my own life, but not vigorously.


I remember when I felt really happy, the one thing I noticed about myself that distinguished myself from others was my ability to find pleasure in anything in life. Sitting at a library, going to a new town, lounging in PJs. It didn't matter where I was or even necessarily who I was with (though this definitely mattered), I could make the best of wherever I was. I was engaged, I was having fun, I was so grateful just to be able to breathe and live in a moment without thinking about food. I felt blessed, in each moment.


I'm glad I found this quote. Definitely helpful. 

Scared

Scared of the future

Scared of confronting the past

Scared of the present

Only one thing in common among those--fear. The future is NOT scary, the past is NOT scary. Fear distorts my view.

Today I realized that I'm actually terrified of confronting the past, confronting that feeling of worthlessness. Because you can't survive with that feeling, so you run from it. And that's what I did.

But today and yesterday, I stayed with it, for just a little while. My mind is telling me that's not enough. That's my mind trying to protect me, keep me from getting to it. Because if I felt proud of myself for staying with it, then I would keep staying with it, keep going in deeper to that very abandoned part of myself.

My affirmation for today: I accept that I try to run and rationalize staying away from my feelings of low self-worth, that I had to do that to survive and that pattern continues today. But I choose to move forward, to break that habit and get closer to my real self, the power within me.

In order to reach that place, I HAVE to feel this shame, pain, all of it. I HAVE to confront it and heal it. I HAVE to let that little girl inside me come out and grow into a beautiful, kind young woman.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you get a sense of the feelings of extreme worthlessness and wretchedness that you feel inside? The pain that for so long you ran from, or you thought you had overcome?

That's what happened today. In the morning, I began to feel all the shame and wretchedness from the fight with my brother. I began to feel like a horrible person, like a selfish no-good person. Why was I made to feel like this in my own home? That's where I should have been safe. And today I started to feel that all over again, and worst of all I began to feel that same sensation that it was all my fault. That everything bad that happened to me was because of me, that I deserved it, that I was worthless, just like my brother said.

That's only the surface. There's so much more pain, worthlessness, shame within me. I don't even know how to go about this. Today I sat through some of it. But for most of the day, I observed all my careful ways to avoid going there. I kept myself busy all day, never focused for too long on anything, kept moving. And I watched myself. I observed myself. I knew what I was doing, trying to shut down those feelings.

I HAVE to get to them. Today doubt is overwhelming. I keep thinking I'm not cut out for this. I keep thinking I deserve all this. I rationalize it even as an adult. I tell myself if I were really a good person then people wouldn't attack me the way my brother did. That's so messed up. And so wrong.

I can't protect myself from these attacks in the way that I hope--that they won't happen at all. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, with dysfunctional family members. I have dysfunctional traits, as well. This stuff will come out, it'll go head to head. The fact that my brother attacked me isn't a reflection of me, it's a reflection of his insecurities. Like my friend pointed out, he was living at home for months. Somehow that's conveniently forgotten, because he pushes that insecurity on me. Makes me feel bad for what he feels bad about. And it worked, because I do feel bad. I feel awful. I feel like scum, like a lazy piece of shit. That's what he wanted.

I don't know what to do. And observing this process is frightening. Because I'm watching myself go under, and buy into all this bull shit and I have NO idea what to do, how to make myself believe that none of it is true. That I am a being of love and wholeness and goodness, that God does love me, that my family does love me. I don't understand why love keeps being taken away, what it is about me that it gets taken away.

I'm going to begin to work through at least the logical part of this.

Do I have any good reason to believe what he has to say about me?

No. I'm still hurt by the loss of the family I never had, and still wish for it. But he can just be that--an insensitive family member. What has he ever done to earn my trust, or respect?

I feel bad because it's an old pattern--I'm drawn to these people who make me feel bad. Love shouldn't hurt. Maybe one day I can reach a place where I love him but see him as a cold and insensitive family member I have to stand during the holidays. I don't need to have a relationship with him, and he owes me a lot if he wants to have one with me. I'm done fighting.

He's hurt me, he's made me feel like shit. And that's why I'm more affected by his words than by the words of my friends and other close family, who tell me I am kind, loving, caring, good. I have to see myself as I really am. I am a deserving, loving, good, whole person. I care a lot. I run from my family's problems a lot. It's a survival pattern, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Only try to understand it. When I was a kid, I was doing anything to feel safe in a world of unsafe. I found ways that didn't even help me in the long run, and they were sure as hell not selfish of me. I ran to survive.

Lately, I've also been beating myself up about feeling stuck, feeling like people will leave me. I think part of this is because I've been so vulnerable the last few months, and vulnerability to me means rejection. I equate it with giving someone power to hurt you. It's in my head. It's simply not true. I have good friends, I have a good therapist, and I have a better relationship with my parents who DO care.

I accept that I am stuck, but I deeply love and accept myself anyway. There's a reason for this, there's something behind it. It's ok to be stuck. I love and accept myself, as I am, flaws and all, for who I am, NOW. Fully. I am worthy of love and acceptance. I'm behaving in ways that make a lot of sense given my tools.

I accept that I am stuck, but I can move forward. I CAN move forward I WILL move forward, to real healing.

Although I internalize the bad things people say about me, I choose to change this pattern and really love myself for who I am and believe I am worthy of love, care, kindness, patience, and support. I choose to change this pattern.

I accept that when I hear something negative from my family it can make me forget all the amazing qualities about me, I choose to clear out the reasons why I ever listened to that person in the first place. He doesn't know me, he has not earned my trust or respect, we have different levels of social and emotional intelligence. My friends, my family, the people who really know me--they are the only ones who I should let in. The people who make me feel good. Love shouldn't hurt, it should help move me to freedom.

Gratitude List

It's been a scary emotional day. Here's my gratitude list:

1) I'm grateful for my 15 minute meditation
2) I'm grateful for a new friend calling to make plans
3) I'm grateful for my long lunch break
4) I'm really grateful for my mom giving me a back massage
5) I'm grateful for my mom telling me to be happy
6) I'm grateful for my mom sticking up for me with my brother--something I never believed could happen for me...that I could be worth sticking up for
7) I'm grateful for my flowers, which are still alive
8) I'm grateful for my tears today
9) I'm grateful for old friends
10) I'm grateful to God, who's guiding me to access all the things I ran from for so long

How I See Myself

The only thing holding me back is me. Nothing else. No one else. How I see myself. How I don't see myself. How I'm scared to see myself.

Today I feel like shit. I'm trying to protect myself, so it's safer to see myself as unworthy, awful, terrible.

But it's not true. That's a self-protection. Easier to believe that than believe anything else, risk having good things about me taken away.

I'm not awful. I'm not terrible. I AM not. I'm really f*cking tired of this, of having these thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not this or that.

I am enough, as I am. I am worthy, I am lovable, as I am.

I'm not perfect. I have a lot of character flaws, but they make me who I am. And what I can say about myself is no matter my flaws, I always try my best. I always do what I think is the right thing. My heart is in the right place.

All the things I want I can have. I'm afraid, and I understand why. And there's a lot more fear in there. But I can have love, support, beauty in my life.

People in my life want me to be happy. I have to stop being so afraid of it. I can grant myself the insurance I want that it won't be taken away gradually, over the course of a few years. But I have to be willing to smile, to love myself, to care about myself, to embrace joy in my life.

Instead of beating myself up, I forgive myself. I understand why I did what I did today. And I'll congratulate myself for what I accomplished:
As strange as this sounds, I'm proud of myself for writing this all out tonight. It took a lot of writing to get myself out of that thinking, but I did it. I've been writing every day for months. That's an accomplishment. I've been meditating the last few days a lot. I'm more willing to embrace these dark thoughts than I have been before, ever.

Friend

Lately I've been feeling a little rejected, a lot like I'm not good enough.

One of my good friends, someone I consider to be really close to me and someone I guess I consider to be very "normal" (in the ways I'm not but still deep down wish I was), called today. The last few weeks have been hard because I feel like I'm not good enough for her anymore. I'm always afraid of people leaving me, of coming to some realization that they don't "need" me anymore. I know this is distorted, I'm trying to work on it.

The last few days has been a lot better. I feel like we used to. And today when she called, she could tell something was wrong (just got in a big fight with brother), and I just let it all out. And cried. Not about us, but told her about what a hard time I was having with my family/with myself.

And now I feel so dumb. Dumb for opening up. Dumb for telling her all that, for exposing so many weaknesses. What if she really is pulling away? And now it'll be because of me? Because my emotions are ...somehow bad? Make me not worthy of someone sticking around?

Maybe I told her today because I wanted to test her, a test that no matter what she would fail. I'm trying to protect myself, so I push her away. I open up with these intense feelings, and no matter what use her reaction as proof that I'm not worthy.


That's the belief.

true? feels like it

Really true? No

Where would I be without this belief? I would be able to open up, without fear holding me back. I would feel my emotions are worthy of being expressed, of being heard. I would feel I am worthy of being heard.

Turn around:
The truth is none of that is true. She's my friend and wants to be there for me. That's how friendship works. I was there for her when she was going through a hard time during college, and now she wants to be there for me. I need to LET HER. And accept that, and accept that I'm worth it. I am.

It's scary, to risk losing this friendship. But this is my distorted view. And sometimes people leave us, and I have to accept that. That's a risk all people face, with friends, family, spouses, etc. A relationship is about being vulnerable. And I'm going through a really hard time right now, and I don't want to fake that. I have to let my friends be there, give them the chance to support me.

Another one: All the awful things that my brother and I said to each other--I want to talk to my mom about it but I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I'm hurt by it. I feel ashamed by what HE said to me. I feel ASHAMED. I don't know why. Who I am is not this tough exterior. I'm actually very sensitive, very fragile, very scared. Scared of admitting it. What if I do and it's all rejected?

Rejection will always be a risk. I can't change that. I can change how I feel about myself.

Who I am

I'm shaking. I feel like an emotional wreck today.

My brother came home and exploded, again. He told me I'm lazy and do nothing. And part of me believed it. Even though the truth is the opposite, you choose to believe this one hurtful thing someone says to you. Even as my friends remind me that I'm not that way, it's difficult to willingly believe the truth. And that has to come from me.

My friend pointed out that the reason he says all these things is because he's insecure about his own choices. He would feel validated if he believed in his head if he believed that I was worse than him. And I think that speaks volumes about who I actually am--the truth--vs. the hurtful things he says. That I am someone who is very clearly accomplished and driven, and that he struggled with that. But what he did accomplish were the things I struggled with--being open about our past, being able to feel the pain of what happened.

The bottom line is--I don't deserve to be the target of someone's nasty attacks. And I don't deserve to believe what other people make of me, especially when they are out to make negative things about me because they're so insecure. I know how hard that is, because it's what I grew up with. For me, love and insecurity are blurred. But that doesn't mean that his insecurity has to affect me. I can choose this time, NOT to believe him. Choose to believe I AM motivated, kind, loving, and caring. That I am NOT selfish, lazy, partier, etc. that he has in his head. I can't change that in his head. I CAN'T. That's up to him.

Only thing I can do is choose to believe the truth. Am I lazy? No. Am I selfish? No. Am I perfect? No. I work hard, I try hard, I am a good friend, I listen, I am compassionate, I am loving. I want other people to be happy. SOmetimes I forget to make myself happy. I like praise. I dislike rude people. I try really hard to work through my emotions. I have worked through so much already, and I have accomplished so much already. That doesn't just happen. That comes from a deep desire to do well, to succeed, to be a good person, to be a real person. There's a push for light in me. There's love in me. There's A LOT of drive, ambition, hope, care. I am NOT who he makes me out to be. I am NOT. He's insecure and that's his problem, not mine. He has an idea in his head of me, that's his problem, NOT mine. There's nothing left I can do. I've done it all. Eventually I can write a letter and reach out, when I'm ready. But I HAVE  to move on from this and I HAVE to believe that I am more than what they make of me. There's someone inside me that my family doesn't see. I KNOW there is. I HAVE to love myself. I HAVE to believe I am the person I am--loving, compassionate, intelligent, and hard-working. Because that is the TRUTH. That is the TRUTH.

An E-mail

Because I'm living at home, my parents are very worried about me. Especially my dad, who masks his concern but it eventually comes out when he explodes over the smallest thing. I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders, but it really bothers me. It really hurts my feelings and scares me.

A few weeks ago he threatened to kick me out, and it was over something stupid like the remote. I managed to get through it by telling myself that he did that out of love and worry that was building inside him (in his own twisted way). He doesn't know how to deal with feelings. And he bottles it up and his way of trying to deal with it is through anger. I completely, totally understand that because I do it too. Wonder where I got it from?

He did this again a couple days ago, and it was really hard for me to deal with. He sent me an e-mail saying I had x days to get a job and I would get that e-mail every day until I got one. Then he sent it again the next day. The next day he had his tail between his legs, being really nice and sweet to me and the e-mails stopped. The nice part, I knew, was pure guilt. I know how much he loves me, and I know how difficult it is for him to deal with his emotions. But I'm terrified of those e-mails. They're painful for me. They make me feel so ungrounded, a feeling I experienced again and again last year. Like I have nothing, like I am nothing, like everything about me is wrong, like I'm sinking. That's the best way I know of describing this feeling.

I want to write him an e-mail. I'll draft it here:

Dear Dad,

I just want to send this e-mail, hopefully to help you and our relationship.

When you send me threatening e-mails, it doesn't help me at all. It actually makes me feel a lot worse. I know you're not sending me those e-mails to make me feel better, but you should be. You should be more supportive, loving, patient than you have been in the past. But instead you blow up and send me hurtful e-mails. I know you're concerned, but if you really want to help me, then be supportive. Listen to me. Ask me questions. Don't bottle it up and then make me feel bad. Not only does it not help, it makes me feel very threatened and scared.

So I want to suggest a few guidelines for you to follow if you really want to help me:
1) If you're concerned I'm making a bad choice, take me out for a drive and tell me that (gently)
2) If you want to be supportive, take me out for coffee and discuss good career moves
3) If you want to be helpful, ask me to sit with you and time me doing math problems. Make it fun, make it a contest where we both do them as a race

I'm allowed to get angry and me moody, just like everyone. So don't use that as an excuse to blow up on me. Usually that one time I'm moody is never the actual reason you blow up, so there's no reason for me to put up with it. The actual reason may be concern, worry, love, etc., and I have now already outlined how you can actually help me. And make me feel safer, because I deserve to feel safe in my own home. Not scared.

I hope this helps. Love you.

Am I Cheating?

I'm feeling really tense and irritated right now. I don't know. I was trying to watch my favorite TV show, and my parents kept popping downstairs, my dog kept whining and barking, I was distracting myself with the Internet. I just feel flustered and irritated and agh.

I'm having a hard time. I weighed myself today.

On top of that, I have been feeling a lot lately like I'm not really doing as much as I can, or I'm not doing the right things. Something I learned from the last few years is to be weary of my ego, which is extremely good at manipulating me and disguising itself as my real voice.

I think that ego is still driving me to avoid a lot of pain. The first month and a half of my recovery, I was doing many new things and was binge-free. But I also felt like I was in a prison, like I was living a half life. I was constantly forcing myself to meditate, to do this or that. I rebelled a lot because I didn't like the constraints I was placing on myself.

When I was put in a stressful situation, I went on a 3-day binge and most of it was self-sabotage. I was fully aware of my actions and I wanted to fail. I took that to mean that I wasn't doing recovery right, and that what I really needed was to let go and stop putting all these constraints like I need to meditate or do this/that. As I'm writing this, I realize I may have been manipulated by the disordered voice in my head. It used a tense situation to take advantage and to convince me that I still needed it. It used the binge as "proof" that I couldn't recover the way I was doing it. That self-sabotage should have just been a learning opportunity to dig up some beliefs that were stopping me. And in a sense it was, because eventually I did learn some of the beliefs that were stopping me.

What do I want? Full, complete, permanent, recovery. I know that my disordered voice will try to manipulate me, but I know that I want full recovery more than I want to be stuck with it.

Added to Gratitude List

A few additions to my gratitude list for tonight

1) I'm grateful for seeing that my parents are supportive (to another girl my age), that I have to accept their love and support, that I HAVE love and support and it's my job to welcome it
2) I'm grateful for the love I have in my life, and have always had
3) I'm grateful for understanding a little better
4) I'm grateful for the astrologist saying I am an artist, for finally finding my path to what I want and need to do
5) I'm grateful for the new Britt Nicole song I found tonight "I want to set the world on fire." I want to set the world on fire, I want God to use my skills to give love and healing to the world

Gratitude List

1) I'm grateful for the flower arrangement I got to take home
2) I'm grateful for spending time with my new friend
3) I'm grateful for the obsession getting weaker the last few days, allowing me to enjoy my time with friends and family
4) I'm grateful for God blessing me with my family and with health
5) I'm grateful for my dog
6) I'm grateful for my body, for breathing, walking, running, sitting
7) I'm grateful for Christmas music
8) I'm grateful for my friends
9) I'm grateful for the Temple
10) I'm grateful for the nice weather today

Iyanla Vanzant Quote

“The voice I had accepted as Divine Guidance was actually the voice of my ego leading me right into destruction.”  Iyanla Vanzant


When I came across this quote, I stopped paying attention to anything else, focusing only on this for a brief moment in time. Finally. I can articulate this fear.


During recovery, I keep hearing--and I know this to be true--that I must trust myself. That whatever I need to heal and recover fully is within me, that if I let go and trust myself I'll guide myself to healing, or some other version of this. 


But something scared me, something held me back. It was my knowledge that in the past, I have truly believed that I was guiding myself to true healing. But I soon discovered that what I was listening to was not necessarily a spiritual self or God, but instead my ego that often led me to self-destruction. I feel it even now. And it scares me. I'm scared to be in my own head. I'm scared of my own thoughts, my extremely manipulative ego. I spent a year of my life feeling truly happy and blessed, and soon self-destructed. What was that? Why did that happen?


Where is God? I've learned I shouldn't question Him. So I'll reach out, and I'll ask Him for guidance. God, please guide me to my real self and to real love, please guide me to YOU. I know I must do my part too. 


A few more quotes by the same person:


“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” 


“Remain open. There is something bigger than you know going on here.” 


“Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.” 

Gratitude List/New Goals

I've felt kind of manic all day today, I think a bit overwhelmed. I wanted to do a gratitude list to bring myself back to the present:
1) I'm grateful for the wind today
2) I'm grateful for how pretty the trees look (leaves changing colors)
3) I'm grateful for my body, that keeps going despite all its been through
4) I'm grateful for shopping for jewelry with my mom today, it was fun
5) I'm grateful for my dog, who persuaded me to go on a walk today
6) I'm grateful for how I handled my group meeting today
7) I'm grateful for God, blessing me with a feeling of contentment today
8) I'm grateful for the new music channel I found on Youtube today
9) I'm grateful for my friends
10) I'm grateful for decaf coffee and the Internet

As I write this, I realize I haven't been enjoying myself at all today. I did a lot of enjoyable things. I went to the mall with my mom, I listened to good music, I went to group today. But I've been so caught up in trying to keep this feeling of contentment that I haven't really let myself just be today. And ironically, the only way to hold on to that feeling is to live in the present, to enjoy each of life's many moments and let them add up. And I know that God is blessing me and I will accept His blessing. I'll work on quieting my mind and living for today.

After my 10 day beauty challenge, I want to set two new goals. I want to increase my mediation minutes to 10 minutes each morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon. I also want to commit to a doing a gratitude list 4 days a week with ten things on the list, and reflect on at least one or two special moments from each day. I'm gonna sleep on this and think about time duration and more details.

Quote

From another blog:
"Believe that everything is always getting better."

Gratitude List

After my binge today, I felt low and helpless. I felt like giving up.

But then a friend said something revealing: that's the disorder talking. It wants to make you think it needs it, and it's using the binge as proof in your mind.

This snippet of truth cleared out some of the low feelings. I was letting my disorder make me feel like a failure for bingeing, and that is not true. I'm going to say this again. THAT IS NOT TRUE. I'm tired of listening to this voice that tells me lies, straight up lies. I'm tired of letting it make me believe it.

Here's my gratitude list:
1) I'm grateful for my morning stretch
2) I'm grateful for the calm weather
3) I'm grateful it's not cold outside
4) I'm grateful for my friend who called out my disorder
5) I'm grateful for Geneen Roth's post on her web site about one of her binges, where she simply observed why she turned to food and understood her needs through her relationship to food
6) I'm grateful that my dog kept me company today
7) I'm grateful for my mom, who I know is trying to change how she relates to me
8) I'm grateful for my dad, who loves me as much as he can
9) I'm grateful for my bed
10) I'm grateful for my friends, who ARE there

Binge

I binged today. I feel ashamed, disappointed. But I also know that the urge today was powerful, and that there might be something to learn. 

The last couple days I've been in "weight loss mode." Today I woke up feeling anxious, lonely, disconnected. I wanted something sweet, so I had some whipped cream (one of my favorite foods). After I did, I came upstairs and saw an ad for my favorite cereal, which also was sitting downstairs. I felt really anxious, and didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to be at home, away from the world. And I wanted cereal. I thought it's better to have a bowl than to deprive myself, so I went downstairs and got a bowl. 

After, I went into mindless eating mode. I couldn't stand the thought of being with myself, alone. I was anxious and numb at the same time, so I got some ice cream. Then some chips, I made some biscuits, etc.

After that bowl of cereal, I could have stopped and continued with my day. But I didn't think it was worth it. I only wanted to feel comfort, because I felt uncomfortable. And I say I love myself but I know deep down I don't feel that love. Why would I keep pushing myself to lose weight if I loved myself? It's this belief I just read on Geneen Roth's website: If I shame myself, punish myself, deprive myself for long enough, then I'll become a loving, peaceful person. I don't know where that belief stems from.

And I also don't exactly know why I've been restricting and bingeing the last few days, but I think it's to give myself comfort. A part of me really struggled after I opened up to my therapist last week, a part of me felt unloved and rejected. The only way I know how to love myself is by eating or not eating. Is it healthy? No. But it's extremely difficult to navigate these painful, unfamiliar feelings and it makes a lot of sense why I went back to that mindset. 

I also know it's a lot easier for me to commit to recovery after a binge, because I feel like there's nothing to lose. But after a couple weeks of no bingeing, I start to feel panicky. I start to feel afraid of losing something. I want to protect myself so I take it away first. Yet again, this isn't healthy but it makes sense. I'm trying to protect myself in the only way I know how. I never learned anything better. 

I want to feel whole and loved, comforted. In my mind I think I'll get there by losing weight, by trying to "fix" myself. If I fix this or that, I'll feel happier and more peaceful. A better belief might be: If I stop trying to fix and if I listen and observe, I will begin to see what I really need. 

Alone

I'm on my friend's Facebook, looking at all these peoples' facebooks, feeling bad about myself. I'm envious of other people,  no matter their circumstances. Someone could be living a life I don't even want and I find a reason in my mind to desire it more than my own life.

How do I look at myself with the same respect and admiration?
How do I feel grounded in myself, trusting myself?
How do I live my dreams?
How do I love myself?
How do I love others?

Time is passing, and I feel like it's passing by. I feel stuck. I feel tired. I feel sad over how much I'm missing, all the happiness, joy, and contentment that I could feel. Sometimes I feel guilty about what I know I should be feeling and what I'm actually feeling.

I feel frustrated by all these expectations that are not within my reach. I told myself last night, I only have one goal right now. To do the 10-day beauty challenge and to meditate for five minutes every morning. That's all. And that is hard for me too. Some days I just don't want to tell myself I'm beautiful.

I'm in a weird mood

Frustrated, no, Angry

What am I afraid of, right now, in my life?

I'm afraid of my disorder
I'm afraid of dormant insecurities
I'm afraid of those insecurities taking over
I'm afraid of not finding a fulfilling, enjoyable career
I'm afraid of opening up

My disorder is really fighting me, and I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of just "managing" it while not truly resolving it. As long as that's the case, I'll only live half a life which I feel like I have been living lately. Like I have so many food thoughts, so many fears about binges, so many fears about things being taken away from me, that even though I don't act on them I'm still not out of the mindset. And I haaate the feeling of "faking it." I hate hate hate hate hate it. I don't know why but I know it leaves a sour fucking taste in my mouth. I cursed because that's how much I despise that feeling.

I don't want to constantly keep myself in check with my disorder. I don't want to manage the symptoms, while feeling empty inside, while still feeling the urges inside. I want to feel fulfilled inside, I want to feel loved, and then I won't want to think about food as anything more than food. I fucking hate the idea of faking it, but I also don't know what else to do sometimes. Trying to recover with all those powerful urges, it just feels hopeless sometimes. I feel like, what's the point? Those urges are more powerful than me. But then I also think, that's not an excuse to let my disorder take over. I do have to fight it, even when it's that difficult.

I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm angry I'm angry at my disorder for not going away. I'm mad that I still think about food, that I can't just let it be and live my life. I'm not mad at myself. I feel lonely and scared and I'm mad at my disorder. Right now I feel helpless against it. I feel terrified of fighting. I want to do this with people. I want help, I want connection. I'm tired of food mattering in ways it shouldn't. I'm tired of the part of me that's preventing me from feeling. I get its purpose, but I don't want its protection anymore. I don't know how to keep walking forward. I feel like I'm on the ground, scared and feeling alone, not sure how to get back up.

Beauty Challenge Day 5

I haven't reflected on my beauty challenge, so hear goes. Some times it's really hard to bring myself to the mirror to say it, but I've learned that those are the times when I need to the most. Those are the times when I'm feeling helpless, worthless, etc., and need to hear it.

I wish I could say there has been some great revelation from this, even after only five days. But the truth is, life feels pretty much the same. And I like it that way. I think I just need consistency. I may not feel any effects for a long time, or maybe there is some change that I'll never notice. Small things build up, and this is one very small thing.

I haven't stepped on a scale. That's hard. Not stepping on it doesn't eliminate disordered food thoughts. Again, maybe it's helping, but it's a small step. I still think a lot about food. I still struggle.

I want freedom. I want to be able to know who I am, to feel loved and accepted for who I really am, to feel valued and cherished for who I really am. For food to be food, sleep to be sleep, shelter to be shelter--all just basic needs.

I'm starving for real connection. How do I find it? This is really hard for me, I don't think I can do this one alone. So I'm praying to God for guidance.

Feeling Overwhelmed=Trigger

Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about my past, about my destructive pattern in relationships. I googled it, just to read about fear of abandonment and other insecurity issues. I came across one web site that wrote a lot about self-sabotage behaviors that result from inner fears, that try to protect us from feeling rejected/neglected at all costs. I read about how powerful these behaviors are and how they fight back hard when you begin to change them.

This information could have been insightful and helpful. Instead it overwhelmed me. It tapped into a whole other fear I have, a fear of being blindsighted by my own dormant insecurities. In the past, when I thought I was doing OK and entered a new relationship, I was hit with these issues like a powerful tornado. They surfaced, my self-destructive behaviors kicked into overdrive as apparently some part of me was doing everything possible to prevent me from feeling those old insecurities. Not only am I afraid of feeling them, I'm afraid of being blindsighted by them like I have been before. It turns into an overwhelming force that seems almost impossible to stop. But as I think about it now, I think maybe that's just another part of it, making me feel helpless against it so I don't try. I hate trying hard to fight things that seem so powerful. I'm terrified of failing again and again, but the fact is that is what it will take to win, to put those behaviors to rest.

I understand their purpose. There's a lot of pain that it's trying to protect me from. But real protection would come in the form of me really knowing myself, me listening to myself, me feeling that pain and healing from it. Because then the pain would lessen over time, and I would be protected by self-love.

I accept now the depth and intensity of the pain buried deep within. That doesn't mean I can feel it, that doesn't mean I'll feel it tomorrow or even this year. But eventually I will and I'll feel it fully, and I'll be able to soothe it.

I also know that as important as it is to be positive and not listen to negative thoughts, that's not the same as feeling positive. Sometimes I feel like shit. Last night I felt like shit. Today I feel numb, scared, isolated, even a little angry for no reason. That's OK.

Truth?

When you have negative beliefs, you find it hard to separate truth from fantasy. Because those beliefs dictate your reality, especially when you're not aware of those beliefs.

I'm admitting today that I have many negative beliefs. The ones I am aware of:

1) I am worthless
2) I'm not lovable
3) If people know the real me, they would reject me

As hard as I try to change my outside circumstances, I get nowhere without changing those beliefs. I find it ironic that the one thing I want the most (real connection, to feel accepted for who I really am) is also my biggest fear (of abandonment, rejection).

I know that God will help me see the truth, but I also know this will take a lot of work.

Nights like this, I feel helpless. I feel like I have so much work ahead of me. I feel like I don't know where to begin. I feel scared of beginning, knowing that my beliefs and fears will try to stop me. I feel afraid of being in my own head, because sometimes it feels like my own mind is working against me (the real me). I don't know what to do. I feel overwhelmed. I wish the answers were simple.

I've done so much in terms of growth, and I still feel like I'm getting nowhere. What's going to happen when my fears come up again? How will I fight it, how will I push through? What am I going to do? What about my dreams, my hopes? How can I make those come true? How can I live a full, happy, content life? How can I find love when it seems like so much of me fights against it?

I'm overwhelmed and scared and helpless.

Steps to Contentment

From a website:

Plant something and nurture it
Count your blessings – at least five – at the end of each day
Take time to talk – have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week
Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while and arrange to meet up
Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it
Have a good laugh at least once a day
Get physical – exercise for half an hour three times a week
Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day
Cut your TV viewing by half
Spread some kindness – do a good turn for someone every day

Tough day

Let me get straight to the point. Today I got called into work, and I was really tired. My cell phone woke me up at 5:30 in the morning, which ordinarily I could ignore and keep snoozing. But when it rang this morning I woke up alert, unable to fall back asleep. 

I definitely felt tired at work. One of the women was celebrating a birthday and she had cheesecake, which I enthusiastically enjoyed. But here's where my day got sticky. Here's where my ED surfaced. Immediately following I felt guilt, anxiety, regret. "I'll run 3 miles when I get home," I told myself. Then I asked my mom if she would exercise with me when we got home at the end of the day. She said she needed to go home first, but I wanted to go immediately. I wanted to not feel anxious anymore. But we got home and I ate a sandwich that I didn't even want, then didn't want to go exercise at all.

I'm reflecting on what happened. I let ED take over for awhile today. I felt anxious after the cheesecake, even though I should have enjoyed it. And the truth is when I ate it, I was enjoying it and not feeling guilty. But then when the guilt set in, I wanted to DO something. And the black and white thinking emerged--either I run it off, or just eat. This is what fuels my ED. It's NOT the food. It's NOT the piece of cheesecake (which was delicious, btw). It's the guilt, the anxiety. I even tried to justify in my head eating the sandwich like it was some kind of victory over not exercising. It wasn't. It was a bad way to cope with the anxiety I felt over the cheesecake.

I'm not going to beat myself up here, just observe how ED came out today and how manipulative it was in my head. And I hope that if someone reads this who might experience the same thing, they'll feel less guilty for their ED behaviors. The minute you beat yourself up over an ED behavior is when it gets worse. The minute you use an ED behavior to deal with anxiety of recovery is when it gets worse. I'm pleading this to myself as much to others-don't. ED is powerful, manipulative. All you can do is be patient, kind, loving. Learn slowly and gradually how to use different tools for the anxiety, for the fears, for the lonliness. To myself: You're already doing it. You STOPPED ED today. You stopped a very powerful force by your patience, by your gentle observation, by your mindfullness. Keep strengthening the patience and the self-love, because you're already doing it.

Gratitude List

 Before I write out my gratitude list, I want to write a little "gratitude paragraph."

The reason? After a bumpy, emotionally intense day, I've come to a few realizations for which I'm grateful. I want to thank God for guiding me today, for giving me strength to face my emotions and my fears. I opened up to my therapist in a very scary way. I told her that I needed her support, I admitted that I still felt like I was in the dark, grasping my way, desperate to keep moving towards light. I came home and I was a wreck. I felt exposed, vulnerable...scared. I felt scared that she would reject me, use my vulnerability against me some time down the road, that she would not appreciate me as much. I felt scared of losing her support.

But all of the was false. All of those thoughts, I think, were trying to protect me from getting hurt. Trying to control it, trying to anticipate any possible pain from exposing myself. What's the truth? By opening up, I took a small step towards the light. She wanted me to open up, she assured me that she was there, that she accepted me and that she "saw" me (something I addressed in my letter). The rest of the stuff--the anxiety--that's not true. By opening up, I receive love and support--not pain. Next time I'm struggling I'll be able to open up more, I'll know I'll have a place to go, someone to confide in.

And this is a tool that I have to begin developing, as scary as it is. Someone told me today that she experienced the same thing, and that by doing it over and over opening up eventually became a notch in her tool belt.

This is supposed to feel scary. Yes parts of me push away, feels scared. But a part of me knows what a huge step this is towards real recovery, towards getting to the real me. And no one forced me to read her that letter. I did that. I faced the fear, and I read it to her. And I came out of it stronger. And that was with God's guidance.

All that said, here's my gratitude list:

1) see above :-)
2) I'm grateful for my courage
3) I'm grateful for hot showers
4) I'm grateful for my parents, who kept me company tonight
5) I'm grateful for my friends
6) I'm grateful for my body, getting past the awful sinus infection
7) I'm grateful for my body, that I can run, that I can breathe deeply
8) I'm grateful for how calming it feels to stretch in the morning
9) I'm grateful to God, for lending me His strength and guidance, for helping me keep moving forward
10) I'm grateful for my intuition today, helping me share with my therapist

I just blogged a few minutes ago. Here I am again.

I can't shake this feeling, this uneasiness, this fear. I'm terrified moving forward because of my past, because of how many times I did move forward and how completely helpless I felt when I was set back. I'm so f*cking scared. I'm so tired and more than anything I DO want to recover fully, completely. I don't want this fear to hold me back. I don't know what to do.

But then I think that this anxiety is a sign, a sign of movement. The fact that I reached out today, opened up to my therapist, and this anxiety is trying to protect me because that was such a huge step forward. And the reason I'm feeling so scared is because I sense progress. I just want to let it happen, I don't want to get in the way.

I think tonight all I can do is ride this wave, keep reminding myself that opening up IS  a step forward, a step towards giving myself love and support.

Strange Day

I read my therapist the letter I wrote her. I feel really uneasy, and I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to remind myself of the truth--that by opening up, I'll receive love and support, that I won't be rejected. I still feel so uneasy.

And naturally my thoughts are turning towards food. I had a sweet treat, and now I want to run it off. This is disordered. I'm trying to justify in my head, but that's the manipulative voice of my eating disorder. What I need is some self-care. I deserve to feel good about opening up, and I'm not going to let a FALSE belief about rejection lead me to ED. I still have the thoughts, but I'm not going to act on them. I'm not going to run anything off, I'm not going to binge. I'm going to take care of myself.

Right now I feel like crawling into a hole and disappearing. I think I feel like I don't deserve to go do something enjoyable, like go to a bookstore or something. I just want to be left alone. I don't know why. I'm scared of happiness. I'm scared of feeling it, and having it be taken away. That's a very real thing. But by keeping myself from happiness, I'll always be at risk of having it be taken away. By letting that fear rule, I give it more power and therefore it's more likely to happen. The only thing that will make it NOT happen is by taking a risk, by accepting joy and happiness, and creating more joy and happiness and continuing to dig deep , past my anxieties. Finding my real self, my real voice, the one that's crying out to love and to be loved.

My affirmation: I am worth happiness. I deserve to feel it, to enjoy it, to learn from it, and to learn how to PROTECT it (really protect it, instead of shying away from it). There are ways to protect my happiness, to keep it from being taken away. The only way I can really protect myself is to begin to feel joy again, to know deep down I am worthy of feeling that way.

Beauty Days 1 and 2

Yesterday I started my beauty challenge. I told myself in the morning, in the afternoon (while I was driving) and at night that I was beautiful, as I was, with nothing needed. I did the same this morning. The hard part is believing, but I think that's what this challenge is about.

A quote from Audrey Hepburn:

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.” 


It's time that we let go of this outward beauty. If you have a beautiful and loving soul, then everything else falls into place. People will see that radiate. 

Eve of Beauty

My title tonight is "Eve of Beauty." Tomorrow I'm beginning a 10-day beauty challenge. Three times a day I will tell myself that I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am lovable, just as I am. The challenge only asks that you tell yourself that you're beautiful, but I'm making mine more personal. I think telling yourself good things should encompass more than beauty, because for some of us beauty has a connotation of outer appearance. But that's not what it is. Beauty comes from within. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true.

On the eve of my challenge, I'm writing a letter to myself.

Dear me,

I am beautiful, as I am. I have a beautiful smile. I have beautiful eyes. I have a beautiful heart. My heart beats for all the days of struggle I've endured, for all the hurt I've experienced, for all the pain I know still exists that needs a safe place to heal. My heart beats for all the people still struggling, for all the hurt children still experience similar to the kind I experienced, for all the pain they carry with nowhere to go.

I am beautiful, as I am. I have a beautifully sarcastic sense of humor. I laugh only when something is REALLY funny. I smile all the time. I listen. I talk, even when I'm scared. I fight like a warrior against a disorder. Even when it's hard, even when I'm helpless, even when it feels like I'm failing, even when it feels like I can't breathe, I keep fighting. I love my family. I love God. I give thanks to them, for the love they've given me. I'm smart. I watch people carefully. I listen carefully. I'm curious about everything. I accept weaknesses of people in my life, but always stand up for them. I am compassionate, I think of others a lot. When I go through something tough I try to help people going through the same things. I work really hard to help myself. I forgive easily, I let my friends make mistakes, I work hard at being a better friend, I like doing new things, I like being creative with my free time, I don't need drinks to make the most of my social time. I laugh at dumb things. I like old people. I like old people things (Golden Girls, Cracker Barrell).

I was created for something beautiful.

Tonight, on the "eve of beauty," I want to tell myself:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE. YOU ARE LOVABLE. YOU WERE CREATED FOR SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.

With love,
Me

An Inner Dilemna

For the last few days I've had these thoughts that I'm not "doing this right." Like somehow I'm not doing enough, and I'm copping out, finding shortcuts. This happened in part because I started weighing again, convincing myself it was OK. And now I keep thinking I'm not moving to recovery because I'm doing all the wrong things. This is my disordered mind.

The truth? I am doing the best I can. I am feeling feelings, embracing food as food, reaching out. When I'm doing well, I get scared. And the lies in my head begin, make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I think the reason my mind does that is to come up with excuses in case I do fail, to protect myself because there's a lot of fear of binging, of restricting, of a setback. So I try to come up with all these reasons in my head why what I'm doing won't work (not enough, not far enough out of my comfort zone). It makes it really hard to know when to truly push myself and when to accept that I"m doing the best I can at the time.

And in those times I think the best thing to do is write it out. It helps pick out the lies, like tonight. I'm not "not doing enough." I shouldn't feel guilty for not going out of my comfort zone. I just spent a week so far out of my comfort zone I almost lost it. I'm feeling feelings at a pace that makes me feel empowered, and if I tried to move faster then I would probably struggle and feel badly about myself. I'm doing a good job. And I can work out more in time. I have all the time in the world. I can work through this stuff in time. There's no pressure to do it now. That's only in my head. I have TIME and I am doing a GOOD job.

Letter to my therapist

Dear XXXXX,

I was having a really hard time the last few days. But we weren't scheduled to meet until later this week. I really needed your support. I drafted an e-mail to you, one that still sits in my inbox, one that asks if maybe you might want to meet earlier this week? 

There are some things about me you should know. I am a master manipulator. So much so that I manipulate myself and don't even know it, so how could anyone else see through it? You always say such nice things about me, and I wonder sometimes is all of that not true, just you being manipulated by me? Am I really a good person, like you say? Am I really strong, caring, dedicated, like you say? Or is this just another beatitfully-crafted manipulation by my mind?I want to believe so bad it hurts. I want to believe that I'm something, that there's someone real and whole underneath all this. I can't seem to get to her and I really hope that you can, or that you can help. 

I guess I don't know how to confess this. I need your support and you care. I need you not to see me as handling everything because I'm actually not. I'm really struggling here. And I don't want to pretend anymore. This is hard for me, all of this. And my mind, my disorder, doesn't seem to want to go away. And I'm terrified of fighting it and I guess that's exactly what it wants. I want you to see this part of me, the part of me that has no idea what to do or how to get myself out of this and how to stop listening to all these manipulative voices in my head that try to keep me from moving forward. 

How do I share this letter with you? 

I want to be free of these thoughts. I want to be free of any thoughts about food. They're blocking me from really knowing me. I have no idea how to do this and I'm so scared of the lies in my head, when I don't really know the truth. 

I pray to God to help me find my sunlight, to help me see the forest through the trees, to come out of the forest. I am ready to be free of all of this.