Who I am

I'm shaking. I feel like an emotional wreck today.

My brother came home and exploded, again. He told me I'm lazy and do nothing. And part of me believed it. Even though the truth is the opposite, you choose to believe this one hurtful thing someone says to you. Even as my friends remind me that I'm not that way, it's difficult to willingly believe the truth. And that has to come from me.

My friend pointed out that the reason he says all these things is because he's insecure about his own choices. He would feel validated if he believed in his head if he believed that I was worse than him. And I think that speaks volumes about who I actually am--the truth--vs. the hurtful things he says. That I am someone who is very clearly accomplished and driven, and that he struggled with that. But what he did accomplish were the things I struggled with--being open about our past, being able to feel the pain of what happened.

The bottom line is--I don't deserve to be the target of someone's nasty attacks. And I don't deserve to believe what other people make of me, especially when they are out to make negative things about me because they're so insecure. I know how hard that is, because it's what I grew up with. For me, love and insecurity are blurred. But that doesn't mean that his insecurity has to affect me. I can choose this time, NOT to believe him. Choose to believe I AM motivated, kind, loving, and caring. That I am NOT selfish, lazy, partier, etc. that he has in his head. I can't change that in his head. I CAN'T. That's up to him.

Only thing I can do is choose to believe the truth. Am I lazy? No. Am I selfish? No. Am I perfect? No. I work hard, I try hard, I am a good friend, I listen, I am compassionate, I am loving. I want other people to be happy. SOmetimes I forget to make myself happy. I like praise. I dislike rude people. I try really hard to work through my emotions. I have worked through so much already, and I have accomplished so much already. That doesn't just happen. That comes from a deep desire to do well, to succeed, to be a good person, to be a real person. There's a push for light in me. There's love in me. There's A LOT of drive, ambition, hope, care. I am NOT who he makes me out to be. I am NOT. He's insecure and that's his problem, not mine. He has an idea in his head of me, that's his problem, NOT mine. There's nothing left I can do. I've done it all. Eventually I can write a letter and reach out, when I'm ready. But I HAVE  to move on from this and I HAVE to believe that I am more than what they make of me. There's someone inside me that my family doesn't see. I KNOW there is. I HAVE to love myself. I HAVE to believe I am the person I am--loving, compassionate, intelligent, and hard-working. Because that is the TRUTH. That is the TRUTH.