Binge and Being Kind to Myself

After I confronted my mother, I felt a sense of relief. But I also wondered if I confronted her as a way to avoid feeling certain things. In the past, I've cut off relationships to avoid feeling the emptiness. In any case, I did it and I know it was the right thing to do.

I binged today and yesterday, and I'm devastated. What hurts the most is the extreme disappointment I feel, because I hoped that some protective spirit within me was guiding me to recovery and would not let me slip. The idea of fighting off binges terrifies me, and I have this ideal in my head of no longer having the urge to binge. This has actually happened before...the summer after my freshman year. It's like I just wanted to move forward, move on. Suddenly I was eating healthy and exercising, and that was that. There were no urges or frustrations. It came with easy and harmony. And I have this belief that unless that ease and harmony is there, I will fail. Because I will be fighting subconscious forces that in the past have beat me, time and time again.

Just like this time. I really hoped this was it. I hoped that suddenly some loving hand would guide me and my desire to binge would be weaker. And it wasn't. And I binged. And I'm mad as hell, again. I'm mad that I did it. I'm mad that nothing is guiding me. I'm mad that I feel like I have nothing. I'm mad that I feel deficient. I'm mad that it seems like no matter what I do, I can't seem to get to "her" (my real self, my spirit, my strength). I'm mad that she's not coming out and helping me when I need her the most. I'm mad that I feel abandoned. I'm mad that I feel like I can't do this, that I can't love myself enough. I'm mad about it all.

I'm frustrated. And somehow the solution seems to be mad at myself. I binged for a reason. Something triggered some feelings of worthlessness that I didn't want to feel. DING. I didn't want to feel them. Something inside me didn't want to feel them. Consciously I want to, subconsciously I am protecting myself from them. How? By Eating, by binging, by shoving those feelings down. And I know that the secret is really wanting to feel them. But that doesn't feel like it's in my hands. I'm completely confused. How can I feel them if this part of me doesn't want to? I'm so fucking confused.

And I don't trust MY EGO. I want to trust my real self, but my ego keeps getting in the fucking way. Tired. Frustrated.

I've tapped into my power and my strength before, and this time I can't seem to. Something very big is holding me back, and I think I need to be willing to face it.

But right now I'm scared. I'm scared to face it because I can't fight off this powerful force that won't let me. I'm scared of failing. Again. I'm tired of the fight. I want to give up. I want to give in. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not doing this right. I'm doing this wrong. What am I doing wrong? I'm so confused all the time.