An E-mail

Because I'm living at home, my parents are very worried about me. Especially my dad, who masks his concern but it eventually comes out when he explodes over the smallest thing. I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders, but it really bothers me. It really hurts my feelings and scares me.

A few weeks ago he threatened to kick me out, and it was over something stupid like the remote. I managed to get through it by telling myself that he did that out of love and worry that was building inside him (in his own twisted way). He doesn't know how to deal with feelings. And he bottles it up and his way of trying to deal with it is through anger. I completely, totally understand that because I do it too. Wonder where I got it from?

He did this again a couple days ago, and it was really hard for me to deal with. He sent me an e-mail saying I had x days to get a job and I would get that e-mail every day until I got one. Then he sent it again the next day. The next day he had his tail between his legs, being really nice and sweet to me and the e-mails stopped. The nice part, I knew, was pure guilt. I know how much he loves me, and I know how difficult it is for him to deal with his emotions. But I'm terrified of those e-mails. They're painful for me. They make me feel so ungrounded, a feeling I experienced again and again last year. Like I have nothing, like I am nothing, like everything about me is wrong, like I'm sinking. That's the best way I know of describing this feeling.

I want to write him an e-mail. I'll draft it here:

Dear Dad,

I just want to send this e-mail, hopefully to help you and our relationship.

When you send me threatening e-mails, it doesn't help me at all. It actually makes me feel a lot worse. I know you're not sending me those e-mails to make me feel better, but you should be. You should be more supportive, loving, patient than you have been in the past. But instead you blow up and send me hurtful e-mails. I know you're concerned, but if you really want to help me, then be supportive. Listen to me. Ask me questions. Don't bottle it up and then make me feel bad. Not only does it not help, it makes me feel very threatened and scared.

So I want to suggest a few guidelines for you to follow if you really want to help me:
1) If you're concerned I'm making a bad choice, take me out for a drive and tell me that (gently)
2) If you want to be supportive, take me out for coffee and discuss good career moves
3) If you want to be helpful, ask me to sit with you and time me doing math problems. Make it fun, make it a contest where we both do them as a race

I'm allowed to get angry and me moody, just like everyone. So don't use that as an excuse to blow up on me. Usually that one time I'm moody is never the actual reason you blow up, so there's no reason for me to put up with it. The actual reason may be concern, worry, love, etc., and I have now already outlined how you can actually help me. And make me feel safer, because I deserve to feel safe in my own home. Not scared.

I hope this helps. Love you.