Binge

I binged today. I feel ashamed, disappointed. But I also know that the urge today was powerful, and that there might be something to learn. 

The last couple days I've been in "weight loss mode." Today I woke up feeling anxious, lonely, disconnected. I wanted something sweet, so I had some whipped cream (one of my favorite foods). After I did, I came upstairs and saw an ad for my favorite cereal, which also was sitting downstairs. I felt really anxious, and didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to be at home, away from the world. And I wanted cereal. I thought it's better to have a bowl than to deprive myself, so I went downstairs and got a bowl. 

After, I went into mindless eating mode. I couldn't stand the thought of being with myself, alone. I was anxious and numb at the same time, so I got some ice cream. Then some chips, I made some biscuits, etc.

After that bowl of cereal, I could have stopped and continued with my day. But I didn't think it was worth it. I only wanted to feel comfort, because I felt uncomfortable. And I say I love myself but I know deep down I don't feel that love. Why would I keep pushing myself to lose weight if I loved myself? It's this belief I just read on Geneen Roth's website: If I shame myself, punish myself, deprive myself for long enough, then I'll become a loving, peaceful person. I don't know where that belief stems from.

And I also don't exactly know why I've been restricting and bingeing the last few days, but I think it's to give myself comfort. A part of me really struggled after I opened up to my therapist last week, a part of me felt unloved and rejected. The only way I know how to love myself is by eating or not eating. Is it healthy? No. But it's extremely difficult to navigate these painful, unfamiliar feelings and it makes a lot of sense why I went back to that mindset. 

I also know it's a lot easier for me to commit to recovery after a binge, because I feel like there's nothing to lose. But after a couple weeks of no bingeing, I start to feel panicky. I start to feel afraid of losing something. I want to protect myself so I take it away first. Yet again, this isn't healthy but it makes sense. I'm trying to protect myself in the only way I know how. I never learned anything better. 

I want to feel whole and loved, comforted. In my mind I think I'll get there by losing weight, by trying to "fix" myself. If I fix this or that, I'll feel happier and more peaceful. A better belief might be: If I stop trying to fix and if I listen and observe, I will begin to see what I really need.