Strange Day

I read my therapist the letter I wrote her. I feel really uneasy, and I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to remind myself of the truth--that by opening up, I'll receive love and support, that I won't be rejected. I still feel so uneasy.

And naturally my thoughts are turning towards food. I had a sweet treat, and now I want to run it off. This is disordered. I'm trying to justify in my head, but that's the manipulative voice of my eating disorder. What I need is some self-care. I deserve to feel good about opening up, and I'm not going to let a FALSE belief about rejection lead me to ED. I still have the thoughts, but I'm not going to act on them. I'm not going to run anything off, I'm not going to binge. I'm going to take care of myself.

Right now I feel like crawling into a hole and disappearing. I think I feel like I don't deserve to go do something enjoyable, like go to a bookstore or something. I just want to be left alone. I don't know why. I'm scared of happiness. I'm scared of feeling it, and having it be taken away. That's a very real thing. But by keeping myself from happiness, I'll always be at risk of having it be taken away. By letting that fear rule, I give it more power and therefore it's more likely to happen. The only thing that will make it NOT happen is by taking a risk, by accepting joy and happiness, and creating more joy and happiness and continuing to dig deep , past my anxieties. Finding my real self, my real voice, the one that's crying out to love and to be loved.

My affirmation: I am worth happiness. I deserve to feel it, to enjoy it, to learn from it, and to learn how to PROTECT it (really protect it, instead of shying away from it). There are ways to protect my happiness, to keep it from being taken away. The only way I can really protect myself is to begin to feel joy again, to know deep down I am worthy of feeling that way.