Tough day

Let me get straight to the point. Today I got called into work, and I was really tired. My cell phone woke me up at 5:30 in the morning, which ordinarily I could ignore and keep snoozing. But when it rang this morning I woke up alert, unable to fall back asleep. 

I definitely felt tired at work. One of the women was celebrating a birthday and she had cheesecake, which I enthusiastically enjoyed. But here's where my day got sticky. Here's where my ED surfaced. Immediately following I felt guilt, anxiety, regret. "I'll run 3 miles when I get home," I told myself. Then I asked my mom if she would exercise with me when we got home at the end of the day. She said she needed to go home first, but I wanted to go immediately. I wanted to not feel anxious anymore. But we got home and I ate a sandwich that I didn't even want, then didn't want to go exercise at all.

I'm reflecting on what happened. I let ED take over for awhile today. I felt anxious after the cheesecake, even though I should have enjoyed it. And the truth is when I ate it, I was enjoying it and not feeling guilty. But then when the guilt set in, I wanted to DO something. And the black and white thinking emerged--either I run it off, or just eat. This is what fuels my ED. It's NOT the food. It's NOT the piece of cheesecake (which was delicious, btw). It's the guilt, the anxiety. I even tried to justify in my head eating the sandwich like it was some kind of victory over not exercising. It wasn't. It was a bad way to cope with the anxiety I felt over the cheesecake.

I'm not going to beat myself up here, just observe how ED came out today and how manipulative it was in my head. And I hope that if someone reads this who might experience the same thing, they'll feel less guilty for their ED behaviors. The minute you beat yourself up over an ED behavior is when it gets worse. The minute you use an ED behavior to deal with anxiety of recovery is when it gets worse. I'm pleading this to myself as much to others-don't. ED is powerful, manipulative. All you can do is be patient, kind, loving. Learn slowly and gradually how to use different tools for the anxiety, for the fears, for the lonliness. To myself: You're already doing it. You STOPPED ED today. You stopped a very powerful force by your patience, by your gentle observation, by your mindfullness. Keep strengthening the patience and the self-love, because you're already doing it.