Wow

Many years ago, I was watching Oprah as she interviewed a well-known New York City columnist discuss her life. This episode was profound because even as a young girl, I could identify with this woman. She grew up with an alcoholic father and mother who couldn't hold down a job, and they lived in poverty. In high school, out of determination, she went out to go to an Ivy League school and become a New York City socialite. But she never told any one about her past. She kept that secret buried deep within her. She wanted to create a new person, someone who was not her real past. And finally it all caught up to her.

It's eerie how much I can identify with her. When I lost weight in college and became happy, I didn't want anyone to know that I was ever overweight or unhappy. I had created a person--someone thin, happy, "normal," confident, no insecurities--and that's who I was going to be. Sometimes I prided myself on how I managed to make it despite my upbringing, but I never shared that. I didn't want anyone to find out who I once was, or what I had done. I was ashamed of myself.

For some reason, this all came to head in the last few weeks. I thought very carefully about my past behaviors and what they said about my beliefs (REAL beliefs, not ones I thought I had). The fact that I never shared my weight loss story with anyone, any stories about my difficult childhood, that I pretended to be this person like I was her all along and never anyone else--I was running fast from my past. I was trying desperately to protect myself from it, not realizing I was actually hurting myself more. I had NEVER realized this until the last couple weeks.

And a few nights ago, I happened to turn on the Oprah Lifeclass show and really liked it. I never watched it once before, or even watched Oprah that often before. Well, I decided to actively seek it tonight. I checked the listings and found another episode of Oprah's Lifeclass scheduled for tonight. So I am watching it, and she's talking about THAT episode. With the woman, who ran from her past. And I can't believe it. I can't believe it, really.

God sent me a message tonight. I know what I have to do. I'm terrified. I don't know where to start. I have so many secrets. Who my dad was. Who Jonathan was. Why I ran.

My answer is here. My guidance is here. I HAVE to follow it, if I want freedom. And my thoughts about waiting until I'm strong enough don't work--because I won't be strong enough until I share these secrets.