Feeling Overwhelmed=Trigger

Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about my past, about my destructive pattern in relationships. I googled it, just to read about fear of abandonment and other insecurity issues. I came across one web site that wrote a lot about self-sabotage behaviors that result from inner fears, that try to protect us from feeling rejected/neglected at all costs. I read about how powerful these behaviors are and how they fight back hard when you begin to change them.

This information could have been insightful and helpful. Instead it overwhelmed me. It tapped into a whole other fear I have, a fear of being blindsighted by my own dormant insecurities. In the past, when I thought I was doing OK and entered a new relationship, I was hit with these issues like a powerful tornado. They surfaced, my self-destructive behaviors kicked into overdrive as apparently some part of me was doing everything possible to prevent me from feeling those old insecurities. Not only am I afraid of feeling them, I'm afraid of being blindsighted by them like I have been before. It turns into an overwhelming force that seems almost impossible to stop. But as I think about it now, I think maybe that's just another part of it, making me feel helpless against it so I don't try. I hate trying hard to fight things that seem so powerful. I'm terrified of failing again and again, but the fact is that is what it will take to win, to put those behaviors to rest.

I understand their purpose. There's a lot of pain that it's trying to protect me from. But real protection would come in the form of me really knowing myself, me listening to myself, me feeling that pain and healing from it. Because then the pain would lessen over time, and I would be protected by self-love.

I accept now the depth and intensity of the pain buried deep within. That doesn't mean I can feel it, that doesn't mean I'll feel it tomorrow or even this year. But eventually I will and I'll feel it fully, and I'll be able to soothe it.

I also know that as important as it is to be positive and not listen to negative thoughts, that's not the same as feeling positive. Sometimes I feel like shit. Last night I felt like shit. Today I feel numb, scared, isolated, even a little angry for no reason. That's OK.