What Do You Do?

What do you do when you get a sense of the feelings of extreme worthlessness and wretchedness that you feel inside? The pain that for so long you ran from, or you thought you had overcome?

That's what happened today. In the morning, I began to feel all the shame and wretchedness from the fight with my brother. I began to feel like a horrible person, like a selfish no-good person. Why was I made to feel like this in my own home? That's where I should have been safe. And today I started to feel that all over again, and worst of all I began to feel that same sensation that it was all my fault. That everything bad that happened to me was because of me, that I deserved it, that I was worthless, just like my brother said.

That's only the surface. There's so much more pain, worthlessness, shame within me. I don't even know how to go about this. Today I sat through some of it. But for most of the day, I observed all my careful ways to avoid going there. I kept myself busy all day, never focused for too long on anything, kept moving. And I watched myself. I observed myself. I knew what I was doing, trying to shut down those feelings.

I HAVE to get to them. Today doubt is overwhelming. I keep thinking I'm not cut out for this. I keep thinking I deserve all this. I rationalize it even as an adult. I tell myself if I were really a good person then people wouldn't attack me the way my brother did. That's so messed up. And so wrong.

I can't protect myself from these attacks in the way that I hope--that they won't happen at all. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, with dysfunctional family members. I have dysfunctional traits, as well. This stuff will come out, it'll go head to head. The fact that my brother attacked me isn't a reflection of me, it's a reflection of his insecurities. Like my friend pointed out, he was living at home for months. Somehow that's conveniently forgotten, because he pushes that insecurity on me. Makes me feel bad for what he feels bad about. And it worked, because I do feel bad. I feel awful. I feel like scum, like a lazy piece of shit. That's what he wanted.

I don't know what to do. And observing this process is frightening. Because I'm watching myself go under, and buy into all this bull shit and I have NO idea what to do, how to make myself believe that none of it is true. That I am a being of love and wholeness and goodness, that God does love me, that my family does love me. I don't understand why love keeps being taken away, what it is about me that it gets taken away.

I'm going to begin to work through at least the logical part of this.

Do I have any good reason to believe what he has to say about me?

No. I'm still hurt by the loss of the family I never had, and still wish for it. But he can just be that--an insensitive family member. What has he ever done to earn my trust, or respect?

I feel bad because it's an old pattern--I'm drawn to these people who make me feel bad. Love shouldn't hurt. Maybe one day I can reach a place where I love him but see him as a cold and insensitive family member I have to stand during the holidays. I don't need to have a relationship with him, and he owes me a lot if he wants to have one with me. I'm done fighting.

He's hurt me, he's made me feel like shit. And that's why I'm more affected by his words than by the words of my friends and other close family, who tell me I am kind, loving, caring, good. I have to see myself as I really am. I am a deserving, loving, good, whole person. I care a lot. I run from my family's problems a lot. It's a survival pattern, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Only try to understand it. When I was a kid, I was doing anything to feel safe in a world of unsafe. I found ways that didn't even help me in the long run, and they were sure as hell not selfish of me. I ran to survive.

Lately, I've also been beating myself up about feeling stuck, feeling like people will leave me. I think part of this is because I've been so vulnerable the last few months, and vulnerability to me means rejection. I equate it with giving someone power to hurt you. It's in my head. It's simply not true. I have good friends, I have a good therapist, and I have a better relationship with my parents who DO care.

I accept that I am stuck, but I deeply love and accept myself anyway. There's a reason for this, there's something behind it. It's ok to be stuck. I love and accept myself, as I am, flaws and all, for who I am, NOW. Fully. I am worthy of love and acceptance. I'm behaving in ways that make a lot of sense given my tools.

I accept that I am stuck, but I can move forward. I CAN move forward I WILL move forward, to real healing.

Although I internalize the bad things people say about me, I choose to change this pattern and really love myself for who I am and believe I am worthy of love, care, kindness, patience, and support. I choose to change this pattern.

I accept that when I hear something negative from my family it can make me forget all the amazing qualities about me, I choose to clear out the reasons why I ever listened to that person in the first place. He doesn't know me, he has not earned my trust or respect, we have different levels of social and emotional intelligence. My friends, my family, the people who really know me--they are the only ones who I should let in. The people who make me feel good. Love shouldn't hurt, it should help move me to freedom.