Gratitude List

 Before I write out my gratitude list, I want to write a little "gratitude paragraph."

The reason? After a bumpy, emotionally intense day, I've come to a few realizations for which I'm grateful. I want to thank God for guiding me today, for giving me strength to face my emotions and my fears. I opened up to my therapist in a very scary way. I told her that I needed her support, I admitted that I still felt like I was in the dark, grasping my way, desperate to keep moving towards light. I came home and I was a wreck. I felt exposed, vulnerable...scared. I felt scared that she would reject me, use my vulnerability against me some time down the road, that she would not appreciate me as much. I felt scared of losing her support.

But all of the was false. All of those thoughts, I think, were trying to protect me from getting hurt. Trying to control it, trying to anticipate any possible pain from exposing myself. What's the truth? By opening up, I took a small step towards the light. She wanted me to open up, she assured me that she was there, that she accepted me and that she "saw" me (something I addressed in my letter). The rest of the stuff--the anxiety--that's not true. By opening up, I receive love and support--not pain. Next time I'm struggling I'll be able to open up more, I'll know I'll have a place to go, someone to confide in.

And this is a tool that I have to begin developing, as scary as it is. Someone told me today that she experienced the same thing, and that by doing it over and over opening up eventually became a notch in her tool belt.

This is supposed to feel scary. Yes parts of me push away, feels scared. But a part of me knows what a huge step this is towards real recovery, towards getting to the real me. And no one forced me to read her that letter. I did that. I faced the fear, and I read it to her. And I came out of it stronger. And that was with God's guidance.

All that said, here's my gratitude list:

1) see above :-)
2) I'm grateful for my courage
3) I'm grateful for hot showers
4) I'm grateful for my parents, who kept me company tonight
5) I'm grateful for my friends
6) I'm grateful for my body, getting past the awful sinus infection
7) I'm grateful for my body, that I can run, that I can breathe deeply
8) I'm grateful for how calming it feels to stretch in the morning
9) I'm grateful to God, for lending me His strength and guidance, for helping me keep moving forward
10) I'm grateful for my intuition today, helping me share with my therapist