That's the thought invading my mind. Not just what if I can't, but what if I am just hardwired to live a life of misery? What if I can't break out of this awful pattern, because it's ingrained from my father? What if my best efforts lead me farther and farther away, and I inadvertently give more power to my insecurities? What if that's a pattern I CAN'T break because it's just who I am?
Feels safer to live on the fence than to jump over and take the risk, risk the possibility that I'm not happy after all.
I'm afraid of being happy and having it be taken away.
I have all these insecurities, and the truth is the one thing I have that I never had before...is awareness. Awareness of the intense pain within, awareness of the distorted beliefs that resulted, awareness of my ego. But how come I don't feel happier for it?
When will I be happy? I guess that's not for me to know, but I would really like it. More than happiness, contentment. The ability to go from place to place, from day to day, and have a home within. A strong home. The kind I never had. I just want to live, and be grateful for each day.
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