I just blogged a few minutes ago. Here I am again.

I can't shake this feeling, this uneasiness, this fear. I'm terrified moving forward because of my past, because of how many times I did move forward and how completely helpless I felt when I was set back. I'm so f*cking scared. I'm so tired and more than anything I DO want to recover fully, completely. I don't want this fear to hold me back. I don't know what to do.

But then I think that this anxiety is a sign, a sign of movement. The fact that I reached out today, opened up to my therapist, and this anxiety is trying to protect me because that was such a huge step forward. And the reason I'm feeling so scared is because I sense progress. I just want to let it happen, I don't want to get in the way.

I think tonight all I can do is ride this wave, keep reminding myself that opening up IS  a step forward, a step towards giving myself love and support.