An Inner Dilemna

For the last few days I've had these thoughts that I'm not "doing this right." Like somehow I'm not doing enough, and I'm copping out, finding shortcuts. This happened in part because I started weighing again, convincing myself it was OK. And now I keep thinking I'm not moving to recovery because I'm doing all the wrong things. This is my disordered mind.

The truth? I am doing the best I can. I am feeling feelings, embracing food as food, reaching out. When I'm doing well, I get scared. And the lies in my head begin, make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I think the reason my mind does that is to come up with excuses in case I do fail, to protect myself because there's a lot of fear of binging, of restricting, of a setback. So I try to come up with all these reasons in my head why what I'm doing won't work (not enough, not far enough out of my comfort zone). It makes it really hard to know when to truly push myself and when to accept that I"m doing the best I can at the time.

And in those times I think the best thing to do is write it out. It helps pick out the lies, like tonight. I'm not "not doing enough." I shouldn't feel guilty for not going out of my comfort zone. I just spent a week so far out of my comfort zone I almost lost it. I'm feeling feelings at a pace that makes me feel empowered, and if I tried to move faster then I would probably struggle and feel badly about myself. I'm doing a good job. And I can work out more in time. I have all the time in the world. I can work through this stuff in time. There's no pressure to do it now. That's only in my head. I have TIME and I am doing a GOOD job.

Letter to my therapist

Dear XXXXX,

I was having a really hard time the last few days. But we weren't scheduled to meet until later this week. I really needed your support. I drafted an e-mail to you, one that still sits in my inbox, one that asks if maybe you might want to meet earlier this week? 

There are some things about me you should know. I am a master manipulator. So much so that I manipulate myself and don't even know it, so how could anyone else see through it? You always say such nice things about me, and I wonder sometimes is all of that not true, just you being manipulated by me? Am I really a good person, like you say? Am I really strong, caring, dedicated, like you say? Or is this just another beatitfully-crafted manipulation by my mind?I want to believe so bad it hurts. I want to believe that I'm something, that there's someone real and whole underneath all this. I can't seem to get to her and I really hope that you can, or that you can help. 

I guess I don't know how to confess this. I need your support and you care. I need you not to see me as handling everything because I'm actually not. I'm really struggling here. And I don't want to pretend anymore. This is hard for me, all of this. And my mind, my disorder, doesn't seem to want to go away. And I'm terrified of fighting it and I guess that's exactly what it wants. I want you to see this part of me, the part of me that has no idea what to do or how to get myself out of this and how to stop listening to all these manipulative voices in my head that try to keep me from moving forward. 

How do I share this letter with you? 

I want to be free of these thoughts. I want to be free of any thoughts about food. They're blocking me from really knowing me. I have no idea how to do this and I'm so scared of the lies in my head, when I don't really know the truth. 

I pray to God to help me find my sunlight, to help me see the forest through the trees, to come out of the forest. I am ready to be free of all of this. 

Inside an anxious mind

I'm going to write a gratitude list tonight, but first I want to reflect on my anxiety.

As I continue on this process to heal my relationship with food and with myself, I'm learning the extent of my emotions and my fears. They run deeper and are more intense than I ever knew. I decided not to weigh myself for a few days, and I felt like I was going crazy yesterday. I had all these thoughts racing through my head. Today was the same thing. I weighed myself, the number was lower than I thought, which didn't provide me with any relief. I was still extremely anxious, and finally bawled and then felt better. I felt like some weight was lifted off. Earlier I went about a month and a half without weighing myself, and it made me obsess over every little thing because I had no idea what I weighed.

I know now the long journey I have in front of me. It's not as easy or as short as I once thought. Even when my weight is stable, eventually I want to give up the scale. I want to live my life free, free of any thoughts about food, my weight, numbers. Live my life for my hobbies, for my family, for my friends, for my passions, for ME. I don't want this disease anymore. I want life. I want my life, the one I deserve, the one God blessed me with.

Here is my gratitude list for today:
1) I'm grateful for my tears
2) I'm grateful for my mom, who hugged me and made me feel better
3) I'm grateful for my mom telling me how happy she was that I didn't complain about something she asked me to do (small, I know)
4) I'm grateful that I didn't complain :-)
5) I'm grateful for my body, that is fighting off a cold and dealing with a painful period at the same time
6) I'm grateful for my emotions, for coming out today, for letting me listen
7) I'm grateful for my new favorite tv show, Once Upon a Time
8) I'm grateful that Halloween is coming up
9) I'm grateful for God, for how much He gives us and how much He loves us
10) I'm grateful for rest, especially this week

Ok, I just posted two minutes ago and don't feel like I got anywhere. I'm trying to understand the thoughts in my head. Here's how I'm feeling:

I love myself, but a part of me deep within still doesn't feel loved. I also know that so long as that exists, I'll struggle each day with recovery. I'll feel anxious, may even deal with self-sabotage. It makes me feel helpless, because there's this force that almost works against me. And that makes me not want to bother trying. It makes me want to not try because I feel like what's the point, if I'll just sabotage.

I guess that's black and white thinking. I guess that's part of this disorder. So long as I fear that sabotage, it still holds power over me. I can only move forward, and if I have a setback, LEARN from it. I'm worth that. I'm worth trying, worth making mistakes for, worth even...failing for, and worth learning from it and it not scaring me anymore. Failure should not scare me.

And the fact that I recognize I don't fully love myself should NOT make me feel bad. (case in point, right?). It means I deserve more love, it means I need to keep showing myself more how valued and important I am.

Going Through the Motions

I haven't weighed myself in a while (conscious choice), and the last couple days have been really difficult for me. It's making me anxious and scared. The strange thing is, I'm more scared of HOW much power it has over me. I'm scared of how anxious I get. I'm scared of what this means for me--that deep down, in my subconscious or unconscious, I don't fully love myself. Because I truly believe if I did, I would WANT to be free of all this stuff--food thoughts, scale, etc. I'm tired of it all, and I'm scared that somewhere deep down there's a part of me that doesn't feel loved enough. I know first hand how difficult it is to move forward when you don't fully and 100% want something, when only some part of you wants it. You can keep trying to move forward but that part deep within you won't let you. How do I change that? How do I make ALL OF ME want and believe I completely deserve full recovery? I'm scared to move forward knowing that I can be pulled back. I'm tired of this pulling me back. Feels like I'm going through the motions without the real meat of recovery. What do I do? I'm scared.

Weird Day

When I spent time with my parents today, I started to feel anxious. This happened because we were praying together, and that makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel vulnerable. Something so personal, praying, in front of my parents.

I thought about it later, and realized that I have felt uncomfortable showing my true colors around my parents for years. I have been afraid to be caring, loving, kind in front of them. It all makes me feel vulnerable, because they (unintentionally) shut that part of me down years ago. They didn't let that part of me grow, the part of me that needed the most air, sunlight, and water. Instead they made me feel like she wasn't worth it. I locked her up. I realized all this as I took a shower today (I think a lot in the shower).

Then I came downstairs, my mom made a comment, and I snapped. I yelled at her, she got angry, we didn't talk for awhile. I yelled maybe because I sensed her getting close earlier, sensed the vulnerability I experienced in her presence. I needed to push her away. 

What's the belief here? 

That my true self will be rejected. That it won't be wanted. That I have to be cold and hard on the outside in front of them, because they won't want the real me. 

The reality is that none of that is true. It made sense a long time ago when I was a kid, when they were behaving in a way that made me think I wasn't wanted. So I shut down. And I tried to "do"--tried to get good grades, tried to go to a good school, tried to do anything that I hoped would make me feel wanted by them. None of it did, because I didn't address the real problem. 

My parents did love me, they did want me. They were dealing with their issues, they didn't know how to love me in the way I needed. I didn't get a fair childhood because of them. I deserved to FEEL wanted. The part of me deep within--the one full of love and compassion and kindness--needed more from them to truly feel wanted. And writing this, I want so badly for that part of me to feel safe, loved, wanted. 

To myself I say, there IS a part of you underneath that is compassionate and loving, and I want her to feel safe enough to come out. To my parents I say, shame on you for not allowing me the RIGHT of growing up and developing the real me properly. Shame on you for not taking responsibility for YOUR actions. Shame on you for harming your own children. 

New Belief: I am a loving, kind person. People will welcome and accept that, not reject it. I will welcome and accept it, not reject it. I radiate positive energy and draw other loving people toward me. 

Ideal Eating Disorder Recovery Vision Exercise

From Nina V from helpforeatingidisorder.com:

I had my Ideal Vision and I would love for you all to do this exercise.
It is very simple and only takes a few minutes.
Take out a pen and paper and write out your Ideal Vision of YOUR recovery.
What does it feel like?
What are you doing?
What are you telling people?
Are you maybe helping others?
Here is the most crucial tip: Write it in the PRESENT tense - as if it were already true, right now.
See it as if it were already true, no matter what is going on around you.
Always keep this vision in your mind, build faith, KNOW that it is coming and never, ever, ever give up.

Nina V. sent this out a couple days ago and it came at a good time. Time to be honest with myself about what I want, nevermind the fear of failure/disappointment/etc. What do I want? That's where I'm shifting my focus, and I'm glad this was the exercise she sent out

I am happy. I am fulfilled, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Food is just food, it feeds me at meal times and that's it. I don't obsess or think about it like I did when I had disordered eating. I am free of the obsession. I am at peace with myself and look forward to each day. I love others freely, I accept love freely. I am healthy and happy. I reach out to people still struggling, and I share my story. That I suffered for years but came out of the food obsession and learned to love myself fully, and they can too. I feel so strong in myself that I know my happiness and my recovery can never be taken away by anyone or any outside event. I am the person I was meant to be.

There's a Beyonce song that is powerful, and it's how I want to feel in the next few years (or maybe a bit longer)

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best,
Brought someone to happiness,
Left this world a little better because,
I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
and it was more than I thought it could be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

That's the best way to think about it. I live my life, fully, completely, passionately, driven only by love.

What is Self-Sabotage?

I'm really struggling with self-sabotage, and why I do it. This last time I was doing ok for three weeks, then I binged hard. And I knew what I was doing, it was like I was trying to fail.

Underneath it all is a fear that my happiness, my recovery, can be taken away at the drop of a hat. That someone can come in and take it away, just like that. And there's nothing I can do about it. So now, I sabotage myself to beat anyone else from taking my recovery away from me. It happened to me many times, and it's the scariest thing. I feel so helpless in the face of certain situations--relationships, high pressure environments. Then I relapse and I feel like people and things can take away my recovery. But they can't. And I sabotage myself to prove only I can take away my recovery. But no one can. My recovery, my happiness, all these things are solid and permanent if I let them be. They will always be there if I let them be. I can learn how to deal with my emotions inn a way that has NOTHING to do with food.

My affirmations
I deserve recovery, full recovery
I CAN recover, permanently
I can keep my recovery, no one can take it away, even me.

This is Important

This is one of those posts that will be so important to my recovery, and as I'm writing I have tears welling up in my eyes.

After work a couple days ago, I noticed how helpless I felt. I anticipated a few days of feeling low, but I didn't anticipate what would happen the next day. I felt really depressed and I was staying in bed. I got up and made something for myself--off my plan. When I say it was downhill from there, that's an understatement. This turned into an all-day binge. I kept eating and eating, and I was terrified to stop because I was terrified of the discomfort and shame I would feel when I did. So, I kept on eating.

Woke up this morning, did the same thing. Finally stopped by the afternoon, and I was running ideas in my head about what to do to move forward. Simply return to my eating plan, change my eating plan, get rid of it so it's more flexible, and so on. But I read something online. When we fall we want to work harder and that's usually not the solution. When it comes to hard work, I should really get some kind of metal for it. The key is working smarter. 


I allowed my disordered eating to win a couple days ago. I can still feel how out-of-control I felt, and I wish I could just reach in and give myself a hug for how awful I feel, to really believe that I don't deserve to feel awful. That I deserve to feel loved, especially in the midst of a binge.

Moving forward, I learned that one of the things that really helped me stay binge-free for the weeks before a couple days ago was that I knew that giving in would make the compulsion more powerful, and the only thing that would lessen it would be to sit with the discomfort of not giving in, again and again. And I did that, and this binge can't take away that work. The hard part for me seems to be when things get so overwhelming that the compulsion is just too powerful.

I don't know what the best next steps are, and I'm not going to make a decision now just to feel some "control." I'm not in a rational place to make any choices. I'll give it a couple days. But I think in terms of working smarter, what I need to do today is really love myself. Treat myself to a big bowl of love, extra love sprinkled in. A hot bath, a book, some deep breaths.

Relationship between emotions and anxiety

When I went to work again today, I could feel myself slipping into that old mindset of last year. With those emotions left unresolved, my anxieties surface and I obsess. 

I came home and did some meditation and a hot shower seemed to help too. I'm expecting to feel a bit down for the next few days, because that's usually what happens when my anxiety comes up and I don't address the emotions. The problem is, it's just hard to access them. Trying to be patient and practice mindfulness so that when they do surface, I'll be ready to fully accept them and let them have their say. 

Affirmation-I am worthy as I am, just as I am. 

Quote

" You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. " 
Henry Drummond 

The Now

When I'm in a situation that will impact some future event, I get really anxious. I freak out about the future. Like every little thing will have some huge bearing on the future. And really..so what if it does? Fretting about it will only make the situation bad. Accepting it, working hard, enjoying the process--that will lead to a better future. The best way to secure a good future is to live fully in the present, without worrying or becoming anxious about what's to come. Enjoy now.

That's my affirmation-enjoy the now. Live it.

Gratitude List

Tonight I'm in it, in ED's grip. I feel numb, wanting control.

Even tough it's hard right now, I'm going to write a gratitude list tonight.

1) I'm grateful for the online support groups, who give me patience and understanding
2) I'm grateful for my emotions, for showing me there's something wrong
3) I'm grateful to my body for its strength today-going on a long walk
4) I'm grateful for my courage today, studying even though I knew it might trigger me
5) I'm grateful for good books, that give me an escape when I need it
6) I'm grateful to my brain--doing a lot of math today :-)
7) I'm grateful to God, for blessing me and my family with good health despite everything
8) I'm grateful for my friend who told me I was beautiful today when I needed to hear it
9) I'm grateful for coffee shops
10) I'm grateful for my dedication and persistence in recovery-I am worth more than this disorder

I'm trying to imagine what it would feel like not to obsess about food every day, to live each day for the joys and twists of that day and think about food only when it's meal time, only when I'm physically hungry. I imagine I would wake up, have some tea, slowly put myself together for the day. Then I might run some errands, study, chat with a friend, do something fun like dance class or watch a movie. I would be in command (NOT control).

Quote

"Compare where you want to be to where you are and you'll get nowhere"
Sara Bareilles, Uncharted 

Binge

Binged today, triggered by something I actually suspected might be a trigger. I'm studying for this big, big test. During the past couple days I've been putting it off, for no other reason other than I just didn't feel like it. I knew there was some anxiety about it, pressure to study hard, pressure to do well, my own expectations I place on the score (if I do well I can do this and this and this that will lead to this and this, etc.).

Today I finally sat down to study. I felt really frustrated because I struggled with one of the sections. I could tell I wanted to binge, but I reminded myself that it wouldn't help my frustration. Then it was 1 o clock and time for lunch. I'd already planned my lunch, but while it was heating up I took a bite out of a donut (we had two in the house). The next thing I know I was scarfing them both down, and still ate my lunch. In the moment I couldn't stop it, but after my lunch I thought about still eating. Then I decided not to. I did stop it, I did make a choice.

Usually I would use this as an example of why I can't do this or that, but the truth is it's showing me that I have to work through some stuff so that I can do things like study for long periods of time and handle high-pressure situations. It's not that I shouldn't have studied, it's that I learned there's a lot of anxiety that will only get worse unless I face it, in the moment.

Affirmation: I confront and challenge my fears. Running from them only gives them more power over me.

Practice in Self-Acceptance

Nina V. from helpforeatingdisorders.com posted this exercise for self-acceptance. She and many others say it's critical that we accept ourselves for who we are and accept that we must fail and succeed to grow as human beings. I think that's especially true for people who have disordered eating, because we usually have a hard time accepting and expressing our feelings, which leads to disordered habits in the first place. We all deserve love, and we get that love first from ourselves. Here's the practice:

1. If I give myself permission to feel my emotions, then I will probably be surprised by what I find. I'll struggle to feel them and express them, but eventually I'll learn how to feel them as they are and release them. 
2. When I reject my emotions, I reinforce the idea that I'm unworthy which is not true. When I reject my emotions I reject myself, and I deserve acceptance and love.
3. If I was 5% more realistic about my compulsive eating recovery, then I would be more patient with myself because I'd understand how powerful those compulsions are, and how easily I can be influenced by them.
4. If I was 5% more optimistic about my compulsive eating disorder recovery, then I would see and really believe how much power and strength I have within me
5. If I appreciate my wins with compulsive eating recovery 5% more, then I would see how strong I actually am and I would begin to love and accept myself more
6. If I accept failure, ...this one is hard for me. If I accept failure, then I wouldn't relapse with my recovery. I would feel free in my life to make mistakes and grow stronger from them, rather then weaker
7. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to be intimate with someone and develop a healthy lifelong relationship
8. Is that fear real? Based on life experiences, it feels real. But I know it's possible, that my life experiences occurred because of traumatic childhood experiences that I can overcome
9. I hope that I can truly and permanently recover and help others do the same, as well as help children who are growing up in the kind of household I grew up in. I hope that I can trust myself fully one day
10. I can see myself living a full life, trusting myself completely to navigate life's twists and turns. I can see myself loving myself and truly caring about others, and not being afraid of relapse or other issues, moving forward with my life. 

A List

Nina V. from helpforeatingdisorders.com suggested writing a list of ten things you're grateful for. It can be anything, related to recovery, body, life, etc.

Here's mine:

1) I'm grateful tonight that my parents show me love in the ways they know how. They let me stay at home and take care of me as much as they can
2) I'm grateful for my body-that I can breathe deeply, stand, walk, jog, or run
3) I'm grateful for my close friends
4) I'm grateful that my body still has its health, despite how much I put it through
5) I'm grateful for my emotions, for giving me relief and empowerment when I deal with them and show me something is wrong when I don't deal with them
6) I'm grateful for my courage, to look for recovery and happiness when I'm so scared
7) I'm grateful for my resilience
8) I'm grateful for other people who share their stories that give me inspiration and hope for recovery
9) I'm grateful that my family is in good health
10) I'm grateful that my dog is in good health :-)

Change IS Possible

A few years ago, I entered college overweight and unaware of how unhappy I was. But I met someone who I grew very close to, someone I could share my secrets with, someone who loved me for the me I didn't even know existed. And I changed. Weight dropped off me and I was still unaware. I thought my jeans were overstretched. More importantly, I didn't even care that much.

I changed. Change hit me powerfully. And I never looked for it, I never knew it was even possible.

I know it's possible. I don't know what I'm waiting for right now, but I know something is coming for the good. I know I have my best years ahead of me.

An affirmation. Don't worry about all the things that are wrong or not how you want them. Everything will fall into place when it's meant to. In the mean time, look for all the good. You'll find a lot more than you think

Begin Anew

When I got home from work today, I binged. Chips, ice cream, whipped cream. There's clearly a lot of anxiety underneath, and I know it's from my job last year. I don't know how to work through it.

I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping she can help, because I think a lot of that anxiety goes back to helplessness and feeling powerless. Until then, though, I need a food plan for the weekend.

Tomorrow
Breakfast-Egg and Cheese Sandwich
Lunch-I'll leave this open, but I'm going for 350 to 400 calories
Snack-Fiber One Bar or small bowl of cereal
Dinner-Chicken and veggies

Even as I write this I'm starting to feel anxious, but I know I have to. That anxiety is because there are emotions right there, and I need to give them space to breathe. '

Two Weeks

Today marks two weeks without binges, as I set out to do. I'm proud of myself.

I'm having trouble enjoying the moment, because some intense anxiety has been weighing on me the last couple days. Most of it is coming from last year, feelings triggered by my working the last few days. Anxiety, I suppose feeling powerless and helpless.

I worked today, and have felt really low all day. I keep remembering last year, when I was basically thrown to the wolves in an intense work environment with little if any support. And I took it all in, feeling like a failure each step of the way, feeling like everything that went wrong was me. Even when other people were clearly responsible, I felt like it was me.

I don't want this anxiety to hold me back. I want to keep working, be able to work in any job without anxiety getting in the way. And that scares me too, not being able to do certain things because of anxiety. I can't go back in time to relive it and deal with the emotions. What can I do, to move on?

An affirmation for tonight: I am free, in command, moving forward.

Some things I just don't understand

I've thought about my past, I've thought about what happened, why it happened, why patterns repeated. But what I DON'T understand is why certain things keep happening, things that should be in my control but aren't.

Let me be clearer. I don't understand why I've relapsed into disordered eating again and again. I'm aware, I use the tools not to. Why does it happen? At what point will I be ready for complete (permanent) recovery?

That's what I don't understand, and I don't think I'm meant to understand it. It's not a problem I can think through. Only one I can feel through to overcome.

Triggers

Nina V from helpforeatingdisorders.com posted a video about an exercise to help with recovery. She recommended that people reflect on 5 to 10 of the top triggers that lead people back to eating disorders.

Here are mine:

1) desire to lose weight
2) intimacy (this one is complicated)
3) "feeling" fat
4) feeling inferior to others
5) helplessness

I don't have many tangible actions that are triggers, but more emotions like helplessness.

These are good to know. As I thought about my eating today, I realize why I'm slipping into not eating right. I feel very helpless, like no matter what I do it won't matter. I realize that I don't have all the skills to deal with helplessness, so it makes sense that I do what gives me relief (turn to food). The alternative is to feel that helplessness and fall deeper and deeper into it, so what I have to do is work on handling emotions that lead to that feeling.

Sometimes I just feel hopeless

I was on the phone with my friend, and just started eating mindlessly. Bread pudding, potato chips. I stopped, and I still think I'll be ok for my calorie count for the day. But still interesting, for some reason this happens a lot when I'm on the phone. Before, I would walk when I was on the phone. Now I'm mindlessly eating. It's a habit I have to work on.

Today I got myself dressed to go out for the day, but I just couldn't. For some reason I don't want to go anywhere. I feel hopeless. I felt like this a lot last year. When I ended a relationship, I started to spiral downwards. I tried my best methods--positive self talk, journaling, talking to a therapist. And still I spiraled more and more, and that led to me feeling completely hopeless. No matter what I did I couldn't bring myself out of the funk, couldn't end the cycle of binging.

For a year after I was hopeless, I'd given up on myself. I kept thinking there's no point to what I do, it won't help. I know that was a bad attitude, but I didn't know what else to think. Why, no matter how hard I tried, did I still find myself becoming more and more depressed each day?

Today I feel that hopelessness again, like no matter what I do it won't help. And even scarier is that when I do try things, it makes problems worse. I'm scared of the constant failure, scared of trying, of making things worse, scared of being happy.

I remember when I broke up with someone (well, HE broke up with me), I would sometimes barely get myself out of bed to take a shower. Then I'd lay in bed in my towel for an hour before I could get back up again. Today I felt like that again, sitting on my couch, trying to get myself to go out. I know I could have forced myself out the door, but that didn't seem appealing. I miss WANTING to go out, I miss being excited about my day. I hate feeling like I'm forcing myself to do things, like I'm being fake, "ok" on the outside but miserable on the inside. I want to feel good on the inside and the outside.

Home from Another Weekend

I'm home from another weekend out-of-town. I left my meal plan pretty flexible and didn't overeat, but I'm still really bothered by feelings of fear. When will it come again?

I have this awful feeling that my life is passing me by, that I can't keep up, that I'm not in command when I should be. I feel like there's so many things that I can't do because of anxiety, because of fear. I've been thinking a lot about my life last year. I started a very intense job, and usually I handle work-related stress pretty well. But the people I worked for, I always felt like they were working against me, not with me. They were people who grew up in a low-income area and in a different culture. People who know me know that I respect everyone.

When I started my job, I was caught off guard many times by their actions. They called me down to the office and accused me of making snotty faces at a meeting, and even impersonated the expressions. I felt degraded and extremely confused (I've never been disrespectful in a work environment). It was so hard for me to deal with, because I felt like I had no control over how they viewed me. No matter how hard I worked, they only saw me as a threat or expendable. It took me a long time to realize it was them not showing me respect, and not the other way around. What hurt the most was that people came up with crazy ideas about my personality that had nothing to do with me, things that I would never want to be associated by. And I could do nothing about it, because they were using their frame of reference and not mine.

That still makes me feel anxious, that I could be forced to be associated with things that I perceive as very negative and can do nothing about it. It says more about the people making those assumptions than about me.

I left that job, and still feel the effects. I feel anxious about my life, feel like life is moving and I'm too scared to move with it. I want to be free of all these crippling fears. I want to live my life and make decisions and not worry about my anxiety getting in the way. I want to feel safe in my own skin. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to travel, to work and know that I'm strong enough to do a good job and withstand any outside negative pressures because I feel so confident in who I am. I want to be strong and in command.

Visualizing

Nina V from helpforeatingdisorders.com posted this visualization exercise for recovery.


What would you be doing with your life if you did not have this eating disorder?

If I did not have disordered eating, I would be free to enjoy all the little things in life without thinking about food every minute. I could enjoy spending time with friends, new hobbies, dancing, etc. on a deeper level.
 Where would you be working?
I would be in school, working on finding what I love to do, involved in more extra-curriculars, and content with my life and with myself.
 What would you be working on?
I would be working on finding a job where I could travel and see new places.
 What would you do in the mornings, afternoons and evenings?
In the morning I would get ready for my day and drink tea to wake myself up. In the afternoons I would keep myself busy but fit in time for myself (a short walk, something to relax myself). In the evenings, I would meet a friend for coffee or go see a movie--something social.
 Who would you be spending time with?
I would spend time with people who shared my interests--traveling, books, etc. I would see them frequently and spend a lot of time with them. I would spend more time traveling to see family members and friends who live far away.

Where to Start?

I don't know where to start. My goal is to reach 14 days of abstaining from binges. I didn't binge today, but I sensed myself going back to the same pattern as last week leading up to a binge. I baked pumpkin cookies for my dad's birthday, and gave myself permission to have some. But eating dough led to eating more, and then more, and then some icing...

I stopped myself. I met my calorie intake for the day because I ate more than I intended, so I know it's not ideal but I'm skipping dinner. What's really troubling me is this pattern of negative thoughts I'm experiencing. This must me what holds me back. It seems like everything around me makes me feel worthless. Things that happened at work, with one of my friends, with the cookies. I know I can't "will" myself out of this pattern, but I also know how troublesome it is that it's here. What can I do to prevent it in the future?

Today my mind is tired. I feel like I'm missing something with my recovery, that element of hope that will keep me going. I feel like I'm missing the mindset shift, and the scary part is it's not something I can control.

To break my binge-once-a-week pattern, I knew I would experience this. It's a block to keep me from getting to my second week, but to get there I have to experience this, accept it an remind myself of what's on the other side. On that other side is hope, joy, abundance. Some days I look outside, hear the wind blowing or see the trees and wish I could just relish in their beauty without my mind stopping me, without my life being all about food. That's what's on the other side--the little things. A walk in the park, a windy day, cozy fall nights, going through each day without thinking about food and being able to enjoy all the things that happen.

To get there, I have to experience these nights. I have to push through. I need a rock solid meal plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast-Egg and cheese sandwich
Snack: 1 granola bar, small glass of milk
Lunch: Avocado/chicken salad
Dinner: Curry and bread

Here's to hope and the other side

Rough Day

Today has been rough. I've felt the need to eat sugar many times during the day, and it feels like all I think about is food right now--how much I ate, when I will get to eat again.

Before I left for the weekend, I had some valuable insight. I knew that staying true to my plan wouldn't be that hard when I was out of town because I would be preoccupied, but I would really feel the anxiety of being out of my routine when I got home. Not just that, but I had to go right back to work (I work part-time only) at a job that causes a lot of stress and in the past has triggered my binges. So the fact that I made it through today without binging, well, is pretty great. I have been thinking about it a lot, but I haven't binged.

When I got home from work, I really wanted some sugar. Sugar is one of those foods that's really difficult for me to balance into my diet, because I know the danger of cutting it out all together as well as of eating too much of it. And I am such an "all or nothing" person that finding that balance feels strange to me. I'm still working on it. I ate some whipped cream and chocolate sauce (I know, right?) as a snack, careful not to go over my calorie intake for snacks. But I know that's not the best thing to eat, because it didn't fill me up or make me feel good.

On the other side, I stayed true to my food plan. I ate a small yogurt parfait for breakfast, and rice and curry for lunch. I managed to stay true to my plan for lunch and that was actually really difficult, so the whipped cream doesn't seem like such a big deal right now.

That's all for now.

Back from my Weekend

I came home from the weekend out of town, and I stuck to my food plan for the most part. But I noticed my compulsive urges appear several times. When I stopped at the store to get a box of granola bars for the road, I must have walked through at least four aisles looking at food I didn't need. In the end I walked out with just my granola bars, and I'm happy that I did that. It's ok that the compulsive urges happened, in fact it's good because that gives me a chance to accept them and still choose the right choice for me. If I hadn't planned on buying those granola bars before I walked into the grocery store, I don't think I would have made good choices.

As I drove home, I started to really feel anxious. I suspected this would be the case, because I knew during the weekend I'd be busy but when I got home I would start to feel the anxiety. It usually surfaces as me trying to reason with myself about why I'm a failure/why I messed up. But the truth is, any way I look at it this weekend was a success. I stayed almost entirely true to my food plan, strayed a little bit but nothing like a binge. When I do well, my anxiety comes up because I'm terrified of failure. And the more I succeed, the more painful failure is because the more I invest in my own success. It's scary and my mind tries to tell myself I'm worthless/a failure. I know it's kind of trying to protect me, but I also know how much that holds me back. I'm not a failure. I am successful. I did OK, even good this weekend. I am worthy of success, and I am a success. That's my affirmation for the night.

Thanks for reading tonight. :-)