I was having a really hard time the last few days. But we weren't scheduled to meet until later this week. I really needed your support. I drafted an e-mail to you, one that still sits in my inbox, one that asks if maybe you might want to meet earlier this week?
There are some things about me you should know. I am a master manipulator. So much so that I manipulate myself and don't even know it, so how could anyone else see through it? You always say such nice things about me, and I wonder sometimes is all of that not true, just you being manipulated by me? Am I really a good person, like you say? Am I really strong, caring, dedicated, like you say? Or is this just another beatitfully-crafted manipulation by my mind?I want to believe so bad it hurts. I want to believe that I'm something, that there's someone real and whole underneath all this. I can't seem to get to her and I really hope that you can, or that you can help.
I guess I don't know how to confess this. I need your support and you care. I need you not to see me as handling everything because I'm actually not. I'm really struggling here. And I don't want to pretend anymore. This is hard for me, all of this. And my mind, my disorder, doesn't seem to want to go away. And I'm terrified of fighting it and I guess that's exactly what it wants. I want you to see this part of me, the part of me that has no idea what to do or how to get myself out of this and how to stop listening to all these manipulative voices in my head that try to keep me from moving forward.
How do I share this letter with you?
I want to be free of these thoughts. I want to be free of any thoughts about food. They're blocking me from really knowing me. I have no idea how to do this and I'm so scared of the lies in my head, when I don't really know the truth.
I pray to God to help me find my sunlight, to help me see the forest through the trees, to come out of the forest. I am ready to be free of all of this.
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