Sometimes I just feel hopeless

I was on the phone with my friend, and just started eating mindlessly. Bread pudding, potato chips. I stopped, and I still think I'll be ok for my calorie count for the day. But still interesting, for some reason this happens a lot when I'm on the phone. Before, I would walk when I was on the phone. Now I'm mindlessly eating. It's a habit I have to work on.

Today I got myself dressed to go out for the day, but I just couldn't. For some reason I don't want to go anywhere. I feel hopeless. I felt like this a lot last year. When I ended a relationship, I started to spiral downwards. I tried my best methods--positive self talk, journaling, talking to a therapist. And still I spiraled more and more, and that led to me feeling completely hopeless. No matter what I did I couldn't bring myself out of the funk, couldn't end the cycle of binging.

For a year after I was hopeless, I'd given up on myself. I kept thinking there's no point to what I do, it won't help. I know that was a bad attitude, but I didn't know what else to think. Why, no matter how hard I tried, did I still find myself becoming more and more depressed each day?

Today I feel that hopelessness again, like no matter what I do it won't help. And even scarier is that when I do try things, it makes problems worse. I'm scared of the constant failure, scared of trying, of making things worse, scared of being happy.

I remember when I broke up with someone (well, HE broke up with me), I would sometimes barely get myself out of bed to take a shower. Then I'd lay in bed in my towel for an hour before I could get back up again. Today I felt like that again, sitting on my couch, trying to get myself to go out. I know I could have forced myself out the door, but that didn't seem appealing. I miss WANTING to go out, I miss being excited about my day. I hate feeling like I'm forcing myself to do things, like I'm being fake, "ok" on the outside but miserable on the inside. I want to feel good on the inside and the outside.