Inside an anxious mind

I'm going to write a gratitude list tonight, but first I want to reflect on my anxiety.

As I continue on this process to heal my relationship with food and with myself, I'm learning the extent of my emotions and my fears. They run deeper and are more intense than I ever knew. I decided not to weigh myself for a few days, and I felt like I was going crazy yesterday. I had all these thoughts racing through my head. Today was the same thing. I weighed myself, the number was lower than I thought, which didn't provide me with any relief. I was still extremely anxious, and finally bawled and then felt better. I felt like some weight was lifted off. Earlier I went about a month and a half without weighing myself, and it made me obsess over every little thing because I had no idea what I weighed.

I know now the long journey I have in front of me. It's not as easy or as short as I once thought. Even when my weight is stable, eventually I want to give up the scale. I want to live my life free, free of any thoughts about food, my weight, numbers. Live my life for my hobbies, for my family, for my friends, for my passions, for ME. I don't want this disease anymore. I want life. I want my life, the one I deserve, the one God blessed me with.

Here is my gratitude list for today:
1) I'm grateful for my tears
2) I'm grateful for my mom, who hugged me and made me feel better
3) I'm grateful for my mom telling me how happy she was that I didn't complain about something she asked me to do (small, I know)
4) I'm grateful that I didn't complain :-)
5) I'm grateful for my body, that is fighting off a cold and dealing with a painful period at the same time
6) I'm grateful for my emotions, for coming out today, for letting me listen
7) I'm grateful for my new favorite tv show, Once Upon a Time
8) I'm grateful that Halloween is coming up
9) I'm grateful for God, for how much He gives us and how much He loves us
10) I'm grateful for rest, especially this week