Going Through the Motions

I haven't weighed myself in a while (conscious choice), and the last couple days have been really difficult for me. It's making me anxious and scared. The strange thing is, I'm more scared of HOW much power it has over me. I'm scared of how anxious I get. I'm scared of what this means for me--that deep down, in my subconscious or unconscious, I don't fully love myself. Because I truly believe if I did, I would WANT to be free of all this stuff--food thoughts, scale, etc. I'm tired of it all, and I'm scared that somewhere deep down there's a part of me that doesn't feel loved enough. I know first hand how difficult it is to move forward when you don't fully and 100% want something, when only some part of you wants it. You can keep trying to move forward but that part deep within you won't let you. How do I change that? How do I make ALL OF ME want and believe I completely deserve full recovery? I'm scared to move forward knowing that I can be pulled back. I'm tired of this pulling me back. Feels like I'm going through the motions without the real meat of recovery. What do I do? I'm scared.