An Inner Dilemna

For the last few days I've had these thoughts that I'm not "doing this right." Like somehow I'm not doing enough, and I'm copping out, finding shortcuts. This happened in part because I started weighing again, convincing myself it was OK. And now I keep thinking I'm not moving to recovery because I'm doing all the wrong things. This is my disordered mind.

The truth? I am doing the best I can. I am feeling feelings, embracing food as food, reaching out. When I'm doing well, I get scared. And the lies in my head begin, make me feel like I'm not doing enough. I think the reason my mind does that is to come up with excuses in case I do fail, to protect myself because there's a lot of fear of binging, of restricting, of a setback. So I try to come up with all these reasons in my head why what I'm doing won't work (not enough, not far enough out of my comfort zone). It makes it really hard to know when to truly push myself and when to accept that I"m doing the best I can at the time.

And in those times I think the best thing to do is write it out. It helps pick out the lies, like tonight. I'm not "not doing enough." I shouldn't feel guilty for not going out of my comfort zone. I just spent a week so far out of my comfort zone I almost lost it. I'm feeling feelings at a pace that makes me feel empowered, and if I tried to move faster then I would probably struggle and feel badly about myself. I'm doing a good job. And I can work out more in time. I have all the time in the world. I can work through this stuff in time. There's no pressure to do it now. That's only in my head. I have TIME and I am doing a GOOD job.