I'm really struggling with self-sabotage, and why I do it. This last time I was doing ok for three weeks, then I binged hard. And I knew what I was doing, it was like I was trying to fail.
Underneath it all is a fear that my happiness, my recovery, can be taken away at the drop of a hat. That someone can come in and take it away, just like that. And there's nothing I can do about it. So now, I sabotage myself to beat anyone else from taking my recovery away from me. It happened to me many times, and it's the scariest thing. I feel so helpless in the face of certain situations--relationships, high pressure environments. Then I relapse and I feel like people and things can take away my recovery. But they can't. And I sabotage myself to prove only I can take away my recovery. But no one can. My recovery, my happiness, all these things are solid and permanent if I let them be. They will always be there if I let them be. I can learn how to deal with my emotions inn a way that has NOTHING to do with food.
My affirmations
I deserve recovery, full recovery
I CAN recover, permanently
I can keep my recovery, no one can take it away, even me.
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