Weird Day

When I spent time with my parents today, I started to feel anxious. This happened because we were praying together, and that makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel vulnerable. Something so personal, praying, in front of my parents.

I thought about it later, and realized that I have felt uncomfortable showing my true colors around my parents for years. I have been afraid to be caring, loving, kind in front of them. It all makes me feel vulnerable, because they (unintentionally) shut that part of me down years ago. They didn't let that part of me grow, the part of me that needed the most air, sunlight, and water. Instead they made me feel like she wasn't worth it. I locked her up. I realized all this as I took a shower today (I think a lot in the shower).

Then I came downstairs, my mom made a comment, and I snapped. I yelled at her, she got angry, we didn't talk for awhile. I yelled maybe because I sensed her getting close earlier, sensed the vulnerability I experienced in her presence. I needed to push her away. 

What's the belief here? 

That my true self will be rejected. That it won't be wanted. That I have to be cold and hard on the outside in front of them, because they won't want the real me. 

The reality is that none of that is true. It made sense a long time ago when I was a kid, when they were behaving in a way that made me think I wasn't wanted. So I shut down. And I tried to "do"--tried to get good grades, tried to go to a good school, tried to do anything that I hoped would make me feel wanted by them. None of it did, because I didn't address the real problem. 

My parents did love me, they did want me. They were dealing with their issues, they didn't know how to love me in the way I needed. I didn't get a fair childhood because of them. I deserved to FEEL wanted. The part of me deep within--the one full of love and compassion and kindness--needed more from them to truly feel wanted. And writing this, I want so badly for that part of me to feel safe, loved, wanted. 

To myself I say, there IS a part of you underneath that is compassionate and loving, and I want her to feel safe enough to come out. To my parents I say, shame on you for not allowing me the RIGHT of growing up and developing the real me properly. Shame on you for not taking responsibility for YOUR actions. Shame on you for harming your own children. 

New Belief: I am a loving, kind person. People will welcome and accept that, not reject it. I will welcome and accept it, not reject it. I radiate positive energy and draw other loving people toward me.