Ok, I just posted two minutes ago and don't feel like I got anywhere. I'm trying to understand the thoughts in my head. Here's how I'm feeling:

I love myself, but a part of me deep within still doesn't feel loved. I also know that so long as that exists, I'll struggle each day with recovery. I'll feel anxious, may even deal with self-sabotage. It makes me feel helpless, because there's this force that almost works against me. And that makes me not want to bother trying. It makes me want to not try because I feel like what's the point, if I'll just sabotage.

I guess that's black and white thinking. I guess that's part of this disorder. So long as I fear that sabotage, it still holds power over me. I can only move forward, and if I have a setback, LEARN from it. I'm worth that. I'm worth trying, worth making mistakes for, worth even...failing for, and worth learning from it and it not scaring me anymore. Failure should not scare me.

And the fact that I recognize I don't fully love myself should NOT make me feel bad. (case in point, right?). It means I deserve more love, it means I need to keep showing myself more how valued and important I am.