I came home from the weekend out of town, and I stuck to my food plan for the most part. But I noticed my compulsive urges appear several times. When I stopped at the store to get a box of granola bars for the road, I must have walked through at least four aisles looking at food I didn't need. In the end I walked out with just my granola bars, and I'm happy that I did that. It's ok that the compulsive urges happened, in fact it's good because that gives me a chance to accept them and still choose the right choice for me. If I hadn't planned on buying those granola bars before I walked into the grocery store, I don't think I would have made good choices.
As I drove home, I started to really feel anxious. I suspected this would be the case, because I knew during the weekend I'd be busy but when I got home I would start to feel the anxiety. It usually surfaces as me trying to reason with myself about why I'm a failure/why I messed up. But the truth is, any way I look at it this weekend was a success. I stayed almost entirely true to my food plan, strayed a little bit but nothing like a binge. When I do well, my anxiety comes up because I'm terrified of failure. And the more I succeed, the more painful failure is because the more I invest in my own success. It's scary and my mind tries to tell myself I'm worthless/a failure. I know it's kind of trying to protect me, but I also know how much that holds me back. I'm not a failure. I am successful. I did OK, even good this weekend. I am worthy of success, and I am a success. That's my affirmation for the night.
Thanks for reading tonight. :-)
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