After my binge yesterday, I'm confused about the reasons I did it. So I want to track the entire weekend to understand what happened.
On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.
I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.
To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.
I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.
What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
What Do I Want?
I've been thinking about this question a lot during the last few weeks. Inside I feel something stirring, some force nudging me to move forward. Take a stance, and go. Do something. Anything. Just start.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Want to Binge, not Not Going To
Right now, I want to binge. I did yesterday and started to today before removing myself from the kitchen. I'm trying to work through this, and journaling as a way to not binge. I have this misguided belief that when I have that binge zone mode come on, I HAVE to binge. At that points, it already feels like a failure because there's some emotion/belief that's powerful, that I assume is more powerful than my ability not to binge. And today I'm calling it out for what it is. I don't NEED to binge when I'm in this zone. I can do plenty of other distracting things, like journaling, going to a store, etc. not to binge.
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
The Kind of Love I Want
In the past, I've been in relationships that didn't work. I was drawn to them out of insecurities, not out of real connection. And the results spoke for themselves--I always felt like I needed to change. I got into a relationship that couldn't work, blamed myself for it not working, thought there was something wrong with me, and it ended and it confirmed all of that.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
What I Want
What I want: I want to be content with who I am, I want to love who I am and see myself with clarity. I want to recover fully and permanently from the binge eating disorder. I want to find love, and start a family with the man I fall in love with. I want to know who I am, and I want to look forward to each stage of my life. I want who I am to trump what I do--my job, my social life, my accomplishments. I want who I am to be first and foremost. I want to stop living in fear of my self-destructive tendencies. I want to conquer those tendencies, the insecurities. I want to be who I really am. I want to release all the buried emotions and live a life that I can't even fathom. I want life. A real life. I want the kind of contentment that lasts forever, that can't be shaken by outside circumstances, that stays with me always. I want a family, a home, a life.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Binge
I'm binging today and more importantly, I'm numb. I'm trying to understand what triggered it, and I think I know what it is-vulnerability. I was sitting watching a movie with my mom and she started to cry and I hate seeing that happen, because I'm terrified of being open, warm, loving in front of my family. I'm terrified of them rejecting me, because in my mind that happened when I was a kid. I felt completely rejected for who I was, and shut this person off in front of them. Now when I'm faced with it, I freak out again. Try to hide that person, cover it with food.
And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.
I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.
And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.
I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Who Am I?
I'm lost and confused tonight. I have no idea what I want to do career-wise, and it's starting to frighten me. I think what's really getting to me is a realization that up until now, I've been functioning out of insecurity. I feel like so much of my life has been a "lie," has been driven by things I'm not. I'm not my insecurities, and I'm so fucking tired of them keeping me from the real me.
They are so pervasive I'm even unaware of them. So ingrained in my unconscious that right now, I don't know what steps to take to begin to uncover them. How can I know what to do if there's a huge brick wall keeping me from getting that insight?
Someone told me that once you find it, insecurities and all that just aren't a factor. You just know and nothing gets in the way. I hope there's truth to that, because I would like to begin searching without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my insecurities are there, blinding me.
I'm tired of feeling lied to. I'm tired of feeling manipulated. I'm tired of feeling like I don't "get" it. I'm tired of a half-lived life. I want the truth of me. I want to find who I really am, underneath the pain, the insecurities, the wounds. More than I want to "release" all that stuff I want so badly to know who I really am.
Who Am I?
They are so pervasive I'm even unaware of them. So ingrained in my unconscious that right now, I don't know what steps to take to begin to uncover them. How can I know what to do if there's a huge brick wall keeping me from getting that insight?
Someone told me that once you find it, insecurities and all that just aren't a factor. You just know and nothing gets in the way. I hope there's truth to that, because I would like to begin searching without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my insecurities are there, blinding me.
I'm tired of feeling lied to. I'm tired of feeling manipulated. I'm tired of feeling like I don't "get" it. I'm tired of a half-lived life. I want the truth of me. I want to find who I really am, underneath the pain, the insecurities, the wounds. More than I want to "release" all that stuff I want so badly to know who I really am.
Who Am I?
Friday, February 10, 2012
To My Disorder
To My Disorder,
You came out today, rearing your despicable face. You told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to always prove I was good enough, that I could never just *be* enough. You told me people will always find out the truth about me, that I'm broken. You told me all these lies, and you ruined something very good for me today.
To My Disorder, I want you to know your time is coming to an end. I want you to know I"m done with you. I want you to know you can't tell me I'm not good enough, because I have ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS be enough as I am. I want you to know I"m going down deep to find myself and bring her to the light, and you will move out of the way, you will stop scaring and stopping her from coming up for air. She can hardly breathe and when you keep pushing her down, she will eventually realize you're no good for her. I...I...I...I realize you're no good for me. You're a liar, you're a manipulator, you've made be buy into your lies for so long. And they're just air, they're full of nothing. You're full of nothing, you're empty and souless, and I will beat you.
To My Disorder, I"m going to end this relationship with you. As often as you show up, that's how much harder I will fight you. I will win, piece by piece, battle by battle, slowly. But I will be happy, I will be rid of you, and I will be FREE.
To my Disorder, your time is up. Your time to leave, to be destroyed once and for all, is approaching.
You came out today, rearing your despicable face. You told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to always prove I was good enough, that I could never just *be* enough. You told me people will always find out the truth about me, that I'm broken. You told me all these lies, and you ruined something very good for me today.
To My Disorder, I want you to know your time is coming to an end. I want you to know I"m done with you. I want you to know you can't tell me I'm not good enough, because I have ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS be enough as I am. I want you to know I"m going down deep to find myself and bring her to the light, and you will move out of the way, you will stop scaring and stopping her from coming up for air. She can hardly breathe and when you keep pushing her down, she will eventually realize you're no good for her. I...I...I...I realize you're no good for me. You're a liar, you're a manipulator, you've made be buy into your lies for so long. And they're just air, they're full of nothing. You're full of nothing, you're empty and souless, and I will beat you.
To My Disorder, I"m going to end this relationship with you. As often as you show up, that's how much harder I will fight you. I will win, piece by piece, battle by battle, slowly. But I will be happy, I will be rid of you, and I will be FREE.
To my Disorder, your time is up. Your time to leave, to be destroyed once and for all, is approaching.
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