Binge

I'm binging today and more importantly, I'm numb. I'm trying to understand what triggered it, and I think I know what it is-vulnerability. I was sitting watching a movie with my mom and she started to cry and I hate seeing that happen, because I'm terrified of being open, warm, loving in front of my family. I'm terrified of them rejecting me, because in my mind that happened when I was a kid. I felt completely rejected for who I was, and shut this person off in front of them. Now when I'm faced with it, I freak out again. Try to hide that person, cover it with food.

And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.

I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.