Right now, I want to binge. I did yesterday and started to today before removing myself from the kitchen. I'm trying to work through this, and journaling as a way to not binge. I have this misguided belief that when I have that binge zone mode come on, I HAVE to binge. At that points, it already feels like a failure because there's some emotion/belief that's powerful, that I assume is more powerful than my ability not to binge. And today I'm calling it out for what it is. I don't NEED to binge when I'm in this zone. I can do plenty of other distracting things, like journaling, going to a store, etc. not to binge.
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
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