Why I Binged?

After my binge yesterday, I'm confused about the reasons I did it. So I want to track the entire weekend to understand what happened.

On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.

I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.

To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.

I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.

What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.