" Everybody’s life is either a warning or
an example. You gotta decide what you’re gonna be. You gotta draw a line in the
sand. And if you can’t do it on your own, you gotta find some other people
around you who can show you how to get there."
Monday, April 2, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tools to stop an oncoming binge
Link: http://www.firstourselves.org/tools-to-stop-an-oncoming-binge/
When you’re bingeing (or bingeing and purging), you’re caught in a highly stressful state. At this point, reason is not in charge. You’re not thinking about how terrible you feel after bingeing. Your only thought is how to give yourself relief, which is what we believe the binge will give us.
I liken a binge to a panic attack because it feels similar in its intensity and the drive to eat *now!* It’s a very tight, intense place of “I have to, I must, I can’t handle this for one more minute…” It’s a build of emotional energy that pow! we find relief from when we binge.
How can we soothe ourselves when we’re in this state? Many of our tools don’t work in this instance because we’re in such a place of panic! We feel caught.
One of my favorite tools to prevent a binge is the “Damage Control Tool” from Emotional Brain Training. You use this tool when your mind is spiraling out of control, when you feel that tight space of “I have to…”, when you’re overwhelmed, caught in obsessive thoughts, when you feel like you’re drowning underwater, when a loved one says or does something that triggers a desire to binge, or when you try on your pants, find that they’re tight, and a torrent of judgment (I’m a fat cow, I’ll never change, I’ll never heal…) throws you under, and sends you to the fridge.
Here’s how to use this tool:
1. Step 1 – Tell yourself, No judgment. Use your name with this step. For example, I would say, “No judgment, Karly.” Using your name is very calming. As Laurel Mellin, the founder of EBT explains, it creates a feeling in the brain of a loving parent caring for us. Much of our work is giving ourselves this unconditional love and care, the nurturing that we need to heal the emotional brain.
Why do we say no judgment? Because when we’re caught in a panic we’re often judging ourselves. We feel guilty or responsible – this sense of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” To soothe this blame, we offer ourselves the mercy of “no judgment” towards ourselves for being human – for feeling panicky, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or wanting to binge. We also offer “no judgment” towards others if we’re blaming others.
2. Remove yourself from harm. This means to get out of the house, the kitchen, to separate from the food, to call a friend, to go for a walk – to do whatever you can to keep yourself out of harm’s way.
3. Tell yourself, This too shall pass. Again, use your name. This powerful reminder reassures us that while we’re feeling out of control in the moment, everything passes. This will pass.
Repeat the cycle until you feel calmer. It usually takes me about 5-7 cycles, depending on my stress level, to move out of panic.
When I’m in a calmer state, that’s when I’m able to access the other tools that help me – the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, deep breathing, inquiry (exploring the needs and feelings that led to the desire to binge), and more.
Other tools that help me move out of a binge:
1. Calling on love. I will literally “call on love,” calling love to me – people both past and present in my life, spiritual figures, pets, love itself, blanketing myself with this love. I imagine them holding me in my time of need until the anxiety and panic fades.
2. Rocking your cravings to sleep. I’ll be posting on this technique separately. I also teach this technique in Becoming Binge Free: The growing human(kind)ness therapy for a happier, thinner, sugar free you.
3. Meditation. Meditation has greatly helped me in creating greater capacity to sit with intense feelings (like wanting to binge!) without acting on them. I aim for a regular practice of 30 minutes a day.
When you’re bingeing (or bingeing and purging), you’re caught in a highly stressful state. At this point, reason is not in charge. You’re not thinking about how terrible you feel after bingeing. Your only thought is how to give yourself relief, which is what we believe the binge will give us.
I liken a binge to a panic attack because it feels similar in its intensity and the drive to eat *now!* It’s a very tight, intense place of “I have to, I must, I can’t handle this for one more minute…” It’s a build of emotional energy that pow! we find relief from when we binge.
How can we soothe ourselves when we’re in this state? Many of our tools don’t work in this instance because we’re in such a place of panic! We feel caught.
One of my favorite tools to prevent a binge is the “Damage Control Tool” from Emotional Brain Training. You use this tool when your mind is spiraling out of control, when you feel that tight space of “I have to…”, when you’re overwhelmed, caught in obsessive thoughts, when you feel like you’re drowning underwater, when a loved one says or does something that triggers a desire to binge, or when you try on your pants, find that they’re tight, and a torrent of judgment (I’m a fat cow, I’ll never change, I’ll never heal…) throws you under, and sends you to the fridge.
Here’s how to use this tool:
1. Step 1 – Tell yourself, No judgment. Use your name with this step. For example, I would say, “No judgment, Karly.” Using your name is very calming. As Laurel Mellin, the founder of EBT explains, it creates a feeling in the brain of a loving parent caring for us. Much of our work is giving ourselves this unconditional love and care, the nurturing that we need to heal the emotional brain.
Why do we say no judgment? Because when we’re caught in a panic we’re often judging ourselves. We feel guilty or responsible – this sense of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” To soothe this blame, we offer ourselves the mercy of “no judgment” towards ourselves for being human – for feeling panicky, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or wanting to binge. We also offer “no judgment” towards others if we’re blaming others.
2. Remove yourself from harm. This means to get out of the house, the kitchen, to separate from the food, to call a friend, to go for a walk – to do whatever you can to keep yourself out of harm’s way.
3. Tell yourself, This too shall pass. Again, use your name. This powerful reminder reassures us that while we’re feeling out of control in the moment, everything passes. This will pass.
Repeat the cycle until you feel calmer. It usually takes me about 5-7 cycles, depending on my stress level, to move out of panic.
When I’m in a calmer state, that’s when I’m able to access the other tools that help me – the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, deep breathing, inquiry (exploring the needs and feelings that led to the desire to binge), and more.
Other tools that help me move out of a binge:
1. Calling on love. I will literally “call on love,” calling love to me – people both past and present in my life, spiritual figures, pets, love itself, blanketing myself with this love. I imagine them holding me in my time of need until the anxiety and panic fades.
2. Rocking your cravings to sleep. I’ll be posting on this technique separately. I also teach this technique in Becoming Binge Free: The growing human(kind)ness therapy for a happier, thinner, sugar free you.
3. Meditation. Meditation has greatly helped me in creating greater capacity to sit with intense feelings (like wanting to binge!) without acting on them. I aim for a regular practice of 30 minutes a day.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Lesson in Recovery/Power of Choice
Lately I've been taking on a lot more responsibility for myself. For me, this mostly means no longer relying on my parents financially. I came up with a budget plan for when I move away that will help me pay insurance and other costs. I've also been paying for things I need on my own. Although I started taking on these responsibilities later in life, I'm proud of the changes I am making.
But I realized that I've also been falling into an old mindset of the "magic pill" with recovery. When I start to make progress in a particular area, I start to think of it as a solution to my disordered thoughts and behaviors. I'm trying to adapt a healthier mindset:
Taking on responsibility for my life and for myself, including all my issues, will help me with my recovery. It is one part that will CONTRIBUTE to my recovery, it will not complete it. It is not a magic pill. It is a contributing factor to my recovery. Other factors I've learned:
1) having healthy attachments
2) fulfillment in work/personal life
3) improved relationship to self
4) alternative behaviors to binge eating/disordered eating
5) honesty
6) support
And now, taking on full responsibility for myself and for my personal problems, rather than blaming my parents or expecting help from them.
Affirmation: I am in CHARGE of my life. I am in charge of my life. I free myself from the past. I free myself from the past.
I make CHOICES, I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.
But I realized that I've also been falling into an old mindset of the "magic pill" with recovery. When I start to make progress in a particular area, I start to think of it as a solution to my disordered thoughts and behaviors. I'm trying to adapt a healthier mindset:
Taking on responsibility for my life and for myself, including all my issues, will help me with my recovery. It is one part that will CONTRIBUTE to my recovery, it will not complete it. It is not a magic pill. It is a contributing factor to my recovery. Other factors I've learned:
1) having healthy attachments
2) fulfillment in work/personal life
3) improved relationship to self
4) alternative behaviors to binge eating/disordered eating
5) honesty
6) support
And now, taking on full responsibility for myself and for my personal problems, rather than blaming my parents or expecting help from them.
Affirmation: I am in CHARGE of my life. I am in charge of my life. I free myself from the past. I free myself from the past.
I make CHOICES, I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Why I Binged?
After my binge yesterday, I'm confused about the reasons I did it. So I want to track the entire weekend to understand what happened.
On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.
I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.
To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.
I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.
What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.
On Friday, I received word that I was accepted back to the program I did last year. I wasn't sure how to process that information, but I decided not to dwell and simply commit to a decision. I decided to do it, and spend more of my energy and time on things that I enjoy and finding new experiences to find my passion.
I don't know if that was still bothering me, but I ate pretty well on Friday. I didn't overeat, I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, I was OK in the morning but didn't eat breakfast/was running on VERY little sleep (as in, 2 maybe 3 hours). Then the first thing I ate was sugar, and I was craving protein so I ate a good lunch. But by the time I ate lunch I was also thinking a lot about food, and wanted to overindulge. I think I thought, well I'm already off pattern for my eating so I may as well indulge. Then later that night I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. It felt compulsive.
To add to this, I couldn't "escape," so to speak. I was surrounded by friends, and of course this was wonderful but I didn't have the mental space to reach some clarity. By Sunday I was in compulsive mindset. I wanted to overindulge but felt I couldn't, I felt trapped by the presence of my friend. I consumed too much sugar and felt sick, and wanted the unhealthiest option for dinner. When I am in "give up" mood, I want to eat the unhealthiest thing simply because it is unhealthy, not because I want it. I think I feel like what's the point, I've already ruined this, so I'm just going to eat unhealthy. A better way to think about it would be to think well I've overindulged and don't feel good, so now is when I really need something that will make me feel better. I think the loss of control of my eating and ALSO my eating habits (breakfast, lunch, dinner, limited sugar) triggers a binge. I also think feeling trapped when I'm in that compulsive mindset triggers a binge because I feel so pent up that when I finally do have alone time, I want to eat everything.
I think the bottom line is: being out of my element and losing control of my eating habits triggers internal pressure/feelings of being trapped. I respond by bingeing to relieve that pressure, like a valve.
What can I do about it in the future? I'm not sure I'm in the right mindset to answer, but I'm going to try. If I am going to be out of my element, then I can have a meal plan that is realistic. If food is offered unexpectedly (treats and such), I can take one and remind myself that indulging in one treat does not mean I've failed. It means I can use it as a chance to be strong enough to have a treat and not be tempted to binge because of it. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. Losing control of my eating habits does not mean I've failed. It's a chance to be strong enough to enjoy myself without using it as an excuse to overindulge.
Monday, February 20, 2012
What Do I Want?
I've been thinking about this question a lot during the last few weeks. Inside I feel something stirring, some force nudging me to move forward. Take a stance, and go. Do something. Anything. Just start.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
But then there is the doubt. The questions. Is this force the real me, or is it the voice of insecurity that often leads me to destruction?
There's a real me, and I'm so out-of-touch with her, so far away from her, that I don't know what she sounds like. Is this her, or is this the voice of something blocking her, some defense pushing me away from her?
I remember a few years ago, I heard this voice urging me to step forward, to take a chance. And I listened to it. And I honestly don't know if it was the right move. In retrospect, it seems like it was a voice that led me to run from my life. I had all these feelings below the surface and my response was to run.
But I also know, I have to find myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole, to let all the heavy walls of defense collapse and release the real me, the me who deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.
I'm still so lost on this.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Want to Binge, not Not Going To
Right now, I want to binge. I did yesterday and started to today before removing myself from the kitchen. I'm trying to work through this, and journaling as a way to not binge. I have this misguided belief that when I have that binge zone mode come on, I HAVE to binge. At that points, it already feels like a failure because there's some emotion/belief that's powerful, that I assume is more powerful than my ability not to binge. And today I'm calling it out for what it is. I don't NEED to binge when I'm in this zone. I can do plenty of other distracting things, like journaling, going to a store, etc. not to binge.
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
A lot of this is in my brain, and if I'm in binge mode then self-judgment will make the binges worse. If I want to recover, then I have to be ready to let go of the belief that I have to binge when that zone is on. I don't have to. I'm fighting brain chemistry, and that's hard, and that's OK. Wanting to binge is OK, it's completely normal. I have to let go of the belief that the only time I can not binge is when I don't want to, that's a distorted thought. If the binges are here, it's because it's a natural reaction from my brain to quickly turn to a binge. That's why I experience that zone kind of feeling, where that's my only focus. I CAN interrupt that and do something else. I can journal. I can watch tv. It will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, but I will get through it.
This goes back to when I've experienced lapses in my binge eating disorder. In my mind, I try to be in control, but that usually means something happens against my will and I try to tell my head that it's supposed to happen to make me feel in control. In reality, I'm not in control but I refuse to accept that, and the depression/binges get worse and worse. I'm still not sure what to do to interrupt this process, especially when lately I've been keenly aware of how scared I am to move forward, to let go of all the control measures in my life.
I know I have to live my life. But I am so afraid that as soon as I move to do so, I'll lead myself straight to destruction, trying to resolve all these unresolved feelings. It's a paradox. I feel like for me to begin feeling all these things, I have to get the train of my life moving and stop focusing so much on all the things I"m unaware of/can't feel. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I just start moving, the unresolved stuff will lead me to situations that will make them worse, rather than bring me closer to resolution. I'm in a bind. But I have to move. I have to live life. I have to find what I love, find who I love, love myself. I have to recover from all of the pain of yesterday. It's time for me to move on. I have to tap into the push inside me to actually heal those things, because that push IS there. It's in there. I've felt it before and I know what it's capable of. I can experience that and heal that trauma, once and for all.
Now the question remains: What's stopping me?
The Kind of Love I Want
In the past, I've been in relationships that didn't work. I was drawn to them out of insecurities, not out of real connection. And the results spoke for themselves--I always felt like I needed to change. I got into a relationship that couldn't work, blamed myself for it not working, thought there was something wrong with me, and it ended and it confirmed all of that.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
Now I'm starting to understand what I both want and need in a relationship. I am a sensitive, emotional person. I want real love that leads to a happy life together, and I deserve a partner who is as devoted as I am. I need a partner who is patient and supportive of my sensitivity, not someone who judges me for it. I would like someone who offers me the kind of security and reassurance I need to help me conquer my insecurities, not someone who makes them worse by reacting poorly. In some ways I've been raised to feel comfortable with the judgment and poor reactions, because that's what I received from my parents. But now I want to thrive, to live, and that means finding someone who will treat me in a way that brings out the real me, the best possible me. And then maybe, I could do the same for him. I may not be at a place to be ready for that now, but I will work on it.
I don't need an analyzer who constantly makes me second guess myself. It's not my fault I second-guess myself. It's part of my nature, and that's OK. I can find someone who is more sensitive.
What I Want
What I want: I want to be content with who I am, I want to love who I am and see myself with clarity. I want to recover fully and permanently from the binge eating disorder. I want to find love, and start a family with the man I fall in love with. I want to know who I am, and I want to look forward to each stage of my life. I want who I am to trump what I do--my job, my social life, my accomplishments. I want who I am to be first and foremost. I want to stop living in fear of my self-destructive tendencies. I want to conquer those tendencies, the insecurities. I want to be who I really am. I want to release all the buried emotions and live a life that I can't even fathom. I want life. A real life. I want the kind of contentment that lasts forever, that can't be shaken by outside circumstances, that stays with me always. I want a family, a home, a life.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Binge
I'm binging today and more importantly, I'm numb. I'm trying to understand what triggered it, and I think I know what it is-vulnerability. I was sitting watching a movie with my mom and she started to cry and I hate seeing that happen, because I'm terrified of being open, warm, loving in front of my family. I'm terrified of them rejecting me, because in my mind that happened when I was a kid. I felt completely rejected for who I was, and shut this person off in front of them. Now when I'm faced with it, I freak out again. Try to hide that person, cover it with food.
And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.
I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.
And today I feel numb. This numbness is very common, especially with binges. Like part of me is so deeply hidden underneath and one way to keep it hidden is to eat over it.
I think a healthier belief is that vulnerability is how I will recover, that who I am is beautiful and deserves to be seen. Deserves a chance.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Who Am I?
I'm lost and confused tonight. I have no idea what I want to do career-wise, and it's starting to frighten me. I think what's really getting to me is a realization that up until now, I've been functioning out of insecurity. I feel like so much of my life has been a "lie," has been driven by things I'm not. I'm not my insecurities, and I'm so fucking tired of them keeping me from the real me.
They are so pervasive I'm even unaware of them. So ingrained in my unconscious that right now, I don't know what steps to take to begin to uncover them. How can I know what to do if there's a huge brick wall keeping me from getting that insight?
Someone told me that once you find it, insecurities and all that just aren't a factor. You just know and nothing gets in the way. I hope there's truth to that, because I would like to begin searching without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my insecurities are there, blinding me.
I'm tired of feeling lied to. I'm tired of feeling manipulated. I'm tired of feeling like I don't "get" it. I'm tired of a half-lived life. I want the truth of me. I want to find who I really am, underneath the pain, the insecurities, the wounds. More than I want to "release" all that stuff I want so badly to know who I really am.
Who Am I?
They are so pervasive I'm even unaware of them. So ingrained in my unconscious that right now, I don't know what steps to take to begin to uncover them. How can I know what to do if there's a huge brick wall keeping me from getting that insight?
Someone told me that once you find it, insecurities and all that just aren't a factor. You just know and nothing gets in the way. I hope there's truth to that, because I would like to begin searching without having to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my insecurities are there, blinding me.
I'm tired of feeling lied to. I'm tired of feeling manipulated. I'm tired of feeling like I don't "get" it. I'm tired of a half-lived life. I want the truth of me. I want to find who I really am, underneath the pain, the insecurities, the wounds. More than I want to "release" all that stuff I want so badly to know who I really am.
Who Am I?
Friday, February 10, 2012
To My Disorder
To My Disorder,
You came out today, rearing your despicable face. You told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to always prove I was good enough, that I could never just *be* enough. You told me people will always find out the truth about me, that I'm broken. You told me all these lies, and you ruined something very good for me today.
To My Disorder, I want you to know your time is coming to an end. I want you to know I"m done with you. I want you to know you can't tell me I'm not good enough, because I have ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS be enough as I am. I want you to know I"m going down deep to find myself and bring her to the light, and you will move out of the way, you will stop scaring and stopping her from coming up for air. She can hardly breathe and when you keep pushing her down, she will eventually realize you're no good for her. I...I...I...I realize you're no good for me. You're a liar, you're a manipulator, you've made be buy into your lies for so long. And they're just air, they're full of nothing. You're full of nothing, you're empty and souless, and I will beat you.
To My Disorder, I"m going to end this relationship with you. As often as you show up, that's how much harder I will fight you. I will win, piece by piece, battle by battle, slowly. But I will be happy, I will be rid of you, and I will be FREE.
To my Disorder, your time is up. Your time to leave, to be destroyed once and for all, is approaching.
You came out today, rearing your despicable face. You told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to always prove I was good enough, that I could never just *be* enough. You told me people will always find out the truth about me, that I'm broken. You told me all these lies, and you ruined something very good for me today.
To My Disorder, I want you to know your time is coming to an end. I want you to know I"m done with you. I want you to know you can't tell me I'm not good enough, because I have ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS be enough as I am. I want you to know I"m going down deep to find myself and bring her to the light, and you will move out of the way, you will stop scaring and stopping her from coming up for air. She can hardly breathe and when you keep pushing her down, she will eventually realize you're no good for her. I...I...I...I realize you're no good for me. You're a liar, you're a manipulator, you've made be buy into your lies for so long. And they're just air, they're full of nothing. You're full of nothing, you're empty and souless, and I will beat you.
To My Disorder, I"m going to end this relationship with you. As often as you show up, that's how much harder I will fight you. I will win, piece by piece, battle by battle, slowly. But I will be happy, I will be rid of you, and I will be FREE.
To my Disorder, your time is up. Your time to leave, to be destroyed once and for all, is approaching.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Change of Plans?
Well, tomorrow is when I go to take my test, and I just altered my plans and may be visiting my friend directly after instead of coming home afterwards. This change of plans has made me kind of anxious, and I think I intentionally created this anxiety because I didn't feel comfortable with the calm. This is not the first time I have done this. It's like a form of protection. As though, subconsciously I know how prepared I am for my exam so I want some kind of "out" in case something happens, some excuse. It makes a lot of sense.
So I'm going to attempt to turn it around. I am scared. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am all of the above. And that's supposed to happen. All of my feelings simply are, no shoulds or woulds. I think coming home is a better idea for me, because it means I can decompress and relax. I wanted to avoid that so I changed plans at the last minute.
Letter to myself: Do NOT let anxiety let you feel bad or like you need an excuse for this test. You're scared, and you're taking this test anyway. In fact, that's a big part of WHY you are taking this test. Because you are scared. Because it brings up insecurities. And you've HANDLED them, you've supported yourself, you've encouraged yourself. You got here, HERE, because of all the love from God and from within. You CAN do this and you DON'T need to run to an old coping method of changing plans or organizing something. You're afraid, you're scared. That's ok. That's supposed to happen. Take the test and come home. I promise you love will be there I promise promise promise you will feel good and proud and eager to come home. You deserve to take it without any "cushions." Because now, your cushion after your test is you, is love, is contentment, is knowing you will feel content and loving towards yourself after the test. I promise.
So I'm going to attempt to turn it around. I am scared. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am all of the above. And that's supposed to happen. All of my feelings simply are, no shoulds or woulds. I think coming home is a better idea for me, because it means I can decompress and relax. I wanted to avoid that so I changed plans at the last minute.
Letter to myself: Do NOT let anxiety let you feel bad or like you need an excuse for this test. You're scared, and you're taking this test anyway. In fact, that's a big part of WHY you are taking this test. Because you are scared. Because it brings up insecurities. And you've HANDLED them, you've supported yourself, you've encouraged yourself. You got here, HERE, because of all the love from God and from within. You CAN do this and you DON'T need to run to an old coping method of changing plans or organizing something. You're afraid, you're scared. That's ok. That's supposed to happen. Take the test and come home. I promise you love will be there I promise promise promise you will feel good and proud and eager to come home. You deserve to take it without any "cushions." Because now, your cushion after your test is you, is love, is contentment, is knowing you will feel content and loving towards yourself after the test. I promise.
Quotes about Worrying
I worry a lot, so I'm going to focus my attention away from it now :-)
“Worrying is all about the illusion of control. When you worry, you are expending energy, and it feels like you are doing something… When you stop worrying, you free up energy that can be used more productively.”
Tammy Cravit
“Worrying is all about the illusion of control. When you worry, you are expending energy, and it feels like you are doing something… When you stop worrying, you free up energy that can be used more productively.”
Tammy Cravit
“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength.”
~Mary Engelbreit
Don't You Quit Poem
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
Often the goal is nearer than
Success is failure turned inside out -
30 quotes for when i'm feeling down
http://health.allwomenstalk.com/motivational-quotes-for-when-youre-feeling-down/
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm trying to give up control, to let You in a little more, to let You unveil a little more of me.
I'm trying to remember that You are my father, and that you love me without condition, that you love the real me.
I have a hard time trusting You, and it's not because of You, it's because I'm scared. But that's why I'm trying, because I'm scared, because I know that fear means this is right, that fear means obstacle, and obstacle means something worth fighting for. Trusting and loving you fully with all my heart is worth fighting for.
My Gratitude List
1) I'm grateful for the sun coming out
2) I'm going to say that twice-I'm grateful for the sun coming out :-)
3) I'm grateful for how I stayed so focused the whole time of my test
4) I'm grateful for the good movie I watched
5) I'm grateful for feeling ok today
6) I'm grateful for talking to one of my good friends today on the phone
7) I'm grateful for your messages to me
8) I'm grateful for my dog
9) I'm grateful for the love from my parents and my friends
10 I'm grateful for YOU
I'm trying to give up control, to let You in a little more, to let You unveil a little more of me.
I'm trying to remember that You are my father, and that you love me without condition, that you love the real me.
I have a hard time trusting You, and it's not because of You, it's because I'm scared. But that's why I'm trying, because I'm scared, because I know that fear means this is right, that fear means obstacle, and obstacle means something worth fighting for. Trusting and loving you fully with all my heart is worth fighting for.
My Gratitude List
1) I'm grateful for the sun coming out
2) I'm going to say that twice-I'm grateful for the sun coming out :-)
3) I'm grateful for how I stayed so focused the whole time of my test
4) I'm grateful for the good movie I watched
5) I'm grateful for feeling ok today
6) I'm grateful for talking to one of my good friends today on the phone
7) I'm grateful for your messages to me
8) I'm grateful for my dog
9) I'm grateful for the love from my parents and my friends
10 I'm grateful for YOU
Friday, January 27, 2012
What I CAN Do
With my test coming up, my nerves are starting to appear. All I can do is breathe and TRY, TRY, TRY to maintain a strong center.
I'm scared of a lot of things, and I'm doing some of them anyway. I'm scared of taking this test, but I'm doing it. AND I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to do well. I'm calm, I'm careful, I'm ready.
A letter to myself:
You've fought through so many bumps to get here, to be ready to take this test. You've faced your fear, you've learned what the test means, what it should mean, and what it SHOULD not and DOES not. You still have love and care in your life, you are still you. You are kind, smart, important (The Help). It doesn't mean anything about YOU. You are someone, a person. About to take a test. And you are going to do well, and you are going to feel proud of your results. That's the goal. To feel good about yourself. Don't let anything or anyone make you feel bad. You ARE going to feel good, because you DESERVE that now. Take back your life. It's for you, It is yours. You're going to take the test, do well, and feel good about it after. Feel good about what you do, and NOW, start to feel good about who you ARE, even the you you don't even know very well yet
I'm scared of a lot of things, and I'm doing some of them anyway. I'm scared of taking this test, but I'm doing it. AND I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to do well. I'm calm, I'm careful, I'm ready.
A letter to myself:
You've fought through so many bumps to get here, to be ready to take this test. You've faced your fear, you've learned what the test means, what it should mean, and what it SHOULD not and DOES not. You still have love and care in your life, you are still you. You are kind, smart, important (The Help). It doesn't mean anything about YOU. You are someone, a person. About to take a test. And you are going to do well, and you are going to feel proud of your results. That's the goal. To feel good about yourself. Don't let anything or anyone make you feel bad. You ARE going to feel good, because you DESERVE that now. Take back your life. It's for you, It is yours. You're going to take the test, do well, and feel good about it after. Feel good about what you do, and NOW, start to feel good about who you ARE, even the you you don't even know very well yet
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thoughts at End of Day
With my test coming up, I'm starting to feel some anxiety. On top of that, I have to go into work tomorrow and face some stuff I don't want to, then come home and take a practice test. I put a lot of emphasis on the practice test, and I want to be able to focus and prepare for it during the early part of the day, but I don't have that choice. I have to work tomorrow, and coming into a test from my work mindset is really hard. It's not ideal. But it's what I have to do. And it's what I'll do.
So to make it less difficult, I'll plan some ways to relax during work. I"ll focus on myself and practice how to not let work stress/anxiety in, practice how to separate from it.
So to make it less difficult, I'll plan some ways to relax during work. I"ll focus on myself and practice how to not let work stress/anxiety in, practice how to separate from it.
Feeling not loved?
This is a feeling that comes to me often, and I have a hard time turning it around. Not loved, unlovable, silly, foolish, etc.
It makes me want to turn to food, like I want to now, to fill it. Because some days, I just don't know how to fill it. And that IS ok.
It's ok to feel not loved, because I know it's not true. And even if I can't fully make myself feel loved, I can try and learn and eventually will be able to love myself fully, the way I deserve. So for today, when I feel foolish and like a little girl who nobody loves, I'll just let myself feel that way without turning to food.
To that little girl, you ARE loved, you ARE cared for, by a lot of people. When you open up to people, you may feel silly but you shouldn't. People admire that, people begin to love you and care about you MORE when you do that. Even if you can't see it. Stay open. Open up a little more. That will start to fill this need you have.
It makes me want to turn to food, like I want to now, to fill it. Because some days, I just don't know how to fill it. And that IS ok.
It's ok to feel not loved, because I know it's not true. And even if I can't fully make myself feel loved, I can try and learn and eventually will be able to love myself fully, the way I deserve. So for today, when I feel foolish and like a little girl who nobody loves, I'll just let myself feel that way without turning to food.
To that little girl, you ARE loved, you ARE cared for, by a lot of people. When you open up to people, you may feel silly but you shouldn't. People admire that, people begin to love you and care about you MORE when you do that. Even if you can't see it. Stay open. Open up a little more. That will start to fill this need you have.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Quote and What I want to Do
I've been thinking a lot about why I want to return to my old job. I took time off to recuperate, so that I could return happy and refreshed. But now I'm questioning the point of becoming happy, only to expend my well-deserved energy on something that may not be a good fit for me.
But I won't know until I try. And I know that I deserve to finish what I start. I'm torn on this issue. It's hard to tell whether I'm afraid to go back, or whether I truly feel like it's not the right thing.
So I'm asking God to help me navigate this one. Which choice will prepare me better, will lead me to be closer to myself and Him?
But I won't know until I try. And I know that I deserve to finish what I start. I'm torn on this issue. It's hard to tell whether I'm afraid to go back, or whether I truly feel like it's not the right thing.
So I'm asking God to help me navigate this one. Which choice will prepare me better, will lead me to be closer to myself and Him?
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm sorry for doubting, for the moments in my life where I lose faith and try to take over. I have a hard time trusting, but I know you're there and I know you've got this. Please forgive me and love me, even when I struggle to love myself, even when I doubt and question. I need it the most then.
Me
I'm sorry for doubting, for the moments in my life where I lose faith and try to take over. I have a hard time trusting, but I know you're there and I know you've got this. Please forgive me and love me, even when I struggle to love myself, even when I doubt and question. I need it the most then.
Me
Monday, January 23, 2012
Food Obsession
I stuck to my meal plan today (for the most part), but spent a lot of time looking up healthy recipes and other recipes. This is indicative of something deeper going on, and I'm avoiding it with food obsession.
Not only that, but I realized tonight that what I want for my life is freedom and hope and love, all of which include a freedom from the food obsession. So even if it's hard, even if I am feeling anxious, the sooner I can stop turning to recipe websites or health food sites, the better it will be for my long term recovery.
That for me starts tonight. For the rest of the evening, I will NOT do any more food obsession behaviors. I will NOT think about tomorrow's meal plan. That's already set, and that's for tomorrow.
For tonight, I WILL relax, watch tv, make some tea, listen to music. I WILL focus on myself and getting through this anxiety.
Not only that, but I realized tonight that what I want for my life is freedom and hope and love, all of which include a freedom from the food obsession. So even if it's hard, even if I am feeling anxious, the sooner I can stop turning to recipe websites or health food sites, the better it will be for my long term recovery.
That for me starts tonight. For the rest of the evening, I will NOT do any more food obsession behaviors. I will NOT think about tomorrow's meal plan. That's already set, and that's for tomorrow.
For tonight, I WILL relax, watch tv, make some tea, listen to music. I WILL focus on myself and getting through this anxiety.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Gratitude List
Gratitude List
1) I am grateful for my parents being so nice to me, even when I am so mean to them
2) I am grateful for my letter I wrote
3) I am grateful for Pinterest
4) I am grateful for new tv shows I like
5) I am grateful for discovering a new hairstyle today
6) I am grateful for my friend asking me about how my recovery is going, when I really needed it
7) I am grateful for the home my parents provide me, even when they don't have to...for the home they CHOOSE to provide me
8) I am grateful for having enough food, water, clothes, etc.
9) I am grateful for my compassion and sensitivity--I know I will learn to use it to help others
10) I am grateful to God, who's shown me a lot of love, always
1) I am grateful for my parents being so nice to me, even when I am so mean to them
2) I am grateful for my letter I wrote
3) I am grateful for Pinterest
4) I am grateful for new tv shows I like
5) I am grateful for discovering a new hairstyle today
6) I am grateful for my friend asking me about how my recovery is going, when I really needed it
7) I am grateful for the home my parents provide me, even when they don't have to...for the home they CHOOSE to provide me
8) I am grateful for having enough food, water, clothes, etc.
9) I am grateful for my compassion and sensitivity--I know I will learn to use it to help others
10) I am grateful to God, who's shown me a lot of love, always
Nerves Again
After my nerves got the best of me tonight, I spent hours trying to find jobs, etc. It was to satisfy this overwhelming need to DO something, to feel like I was doing something, even though I'm not sure most of what I did was worth the time. I think I wanted to feel in control.
A lot of this job hunting brings up my feelings of inadequacy and the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I keep trying and trying, then trying something new, then again, to no avail. And then I internalize it as proof that there's something defective about me, something "missing." I realized that reminding myself it's not true helps a little, but it's still hard because I also learned recently that so much of our reality is self-created. That means even when something is not objectively true, if it feels like it is, it can be just as painful.
Which. Is. Scary. That means discovering the truth means changing our reality, and that's something that is extremely difficult for me. The only times I've been able to in the past have been when I had access to my emotions, which seems so out of my control. One day I can feel, the next day it's nothing. Sometimes weeks with nothing. Months. So I keep trying to access them, and I think I push them away further.
So I want to tell myself this: You deserve those emotions to come through for you. They WANT to come through for you. They wait until they know it's safe, and your mind makes it very unsafe for them. That's not good or bad, it just is. Something it's done to cope, to defend. But they are there, they WILL come, you WILL receive them with the love and kindness they deserve, YOU deserve.
I know how scary this job prospect is. But I think the reason it feels downright terrifying is because you're running from "being exposed." You think if you don't get this job, then you'll be left with only the "bad" jobs, then people will see what you're really worth, who you really are. That's why you worked so hard to get good grades, do good work in school. You ran from being "exposed."
But. BUT. You don't have to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There never was, EVER. There never will be. EVER. There is not now. You can stop running. You can be exposed. You will be received with love and kindness, by God, by your friends, by your family, by all the people you love and who love you. You ARE a good person, a kind-hearted and loving person, a person who wants to show her care and affection to the world, but you're afraid. STOMP on that fear. Tell that fear to go screw itself. YOU ARE THOSE THINGS AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
You will find a job. And it might not seem like the job people would expect from you, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you, and people will show you support. The only thing that makes you think it's not ok are the beliefs you hold, which CAN be changed, which WILL be changed. You WILL love yourself for who you are.
Affirmations:
I love myself for who I am. I am enough. I am whole.
I love myself for who I am.
I am enough.
I am whole.
I am beautiful, as I am.
I am beautiful, as I am.
Who I am is beautiful.
Who I am is beautiful.
A lot of this job hunting brings up my feelings of inadequacy and the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I keep trying and trying, then trying something new, then again, to no avail. And then I internalize it as proof that there's something defective about me, something "missing." I realized that reminding myself it's not true helps a little, but it's still hard because I also learned recently that so much of our reality is self-created. That means even when something is not objectively true, if it feels like it is, it can be just as painful.
Which. Is. Scary. That means discovering the truth means changing our reality, and that's something that is extremely difficult for me. The only times I've been able to in the past have been when I had access to my emotions, which seems so out of my control. One day I can feel, the next day it's nothing. Sometimes weeks with nothing. Months. So I keep trying to access them, and I think I push them away further.
So I want to tell myself this: You deserve those emotions to come through for you. They WANT to come through for you. They wait until they know it's safe, and your mind makes it very unsafe for them. That's not good or bad, it just is. Something it's done to cope, to defend. But they are there, they WILL come, you WILL receive them with the love and kindness they deserve, YOU deserve.
I know how scary this job prospect is. But I think the reason it feels downright terrifying is because you're running from "being exposed." You think if you don't get this job, then you'll be left with only the "bad" jobs, then people will see what you're really worth, who you really are. That's why you worked so hard to get good grades, do good work in school. You ran from being "exposed."
But. BUT. You don't have to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There never was, EVER. There never will be. EVER. There is not now. You can stop running. You can be exposed. You will be received with love and kindness, by God, by your friends, by your family, by all the people you love and who love you. You ARE a good person, a kind-hearted and loving person, a person who wants to show her care and affection to the world, but you're afraid. STOMP on that fear. Tell that fear to go screw itself. YOU ARE THOSE THINGS AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
You will find a job. And it might not seem like the job people would expect from you, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you, and people will show you support. The only thing that makes you think it's not ok are the beliefs you hold, which CAN be changed, which WILL be changed. You WILL love yourself for who you are.
Affirmations:
I love myself for who I am. I am enough. I am whole.
I love myself for who I am.
I am enough.
I am whole.
I am beautiful, as I am.
I am beautiful, as I am.
Who I am is beautiful.
Who I am is beautiful.
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