Nerves Again

After my nerves got the best of me tonight, I spent hours trying to find jobs, etc. It was to satisfy this overwhelming need to DO something, to feel like I was doing something, even though I'm not sure most of what I did was worth the time. I think I wanted to feel in control.

A lot of this job hunting brings up my feelings of inadequacy and the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I keep trying and trying, then trying something new, then again, to no avail. And then I internalize it as proof that there's something defective about me, something "missing." I realized that reminding myself it's not true helps a little, but it's still hard because I also learned recently that so much of our reality is self-created. That means even when something is not objectively true, if it feels like it is, it can be just as painful.

Which. Is. Scary. That means discovering the truth means changing our reality, and that's something that is extremely difficult for me. The only times I've been able to in the past have been when I had access to my emotions, which seems so out of my control. One day I can feel, the next day it's nothing. Sometimes weeks with nothing. Months. So I keep trying to access them, and I think I push them away further.

So I want to tell myself this: You deserve those emotions to come through for you. They WANT to come through for you. They wait until they know it's safe, and your mind makes it very unsafe for them. That's not good or bad, it just is. Something it's done to cope, to defend. But they are there, they WILL come, you WILL receive them with the love and kindness they deserve, YOU deserve.

I know how scary this job prospect is. But I think the reason it feels downright terrifying is because you're running from "being exposed." You think if you don't get this job, then you'll be left with only the "bad" jobs, then people will see what you're really worth, who you really are. That's why you worked so hard to get good grades, do good work in school. You ran from being "exposed."

But. BUT. You don't have to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There never was, EVER. There never will be. EVER. There is not now. You can stop running. You can be exposed. You will be received with love and kindness, by God, by your friends, by your family, by all the people you love and who love you. You ARE a good person, a kind-hearted and loving person, a person who wants to show her care and affection to the world, but you're afraid. STOMP on that fear. Tell that fear to go screw itself. YOU ARE THOSE THINGS AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

You will find a job.  And it might not seem like the job people would expect from you, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you, and people will show you support. The only thing that makes you think it's not ok are the beliefs you hold, which CAN be changed, which WILL be changed. You WILL love yourself for who you are.

Affirmations:
I love myself for who I am. I am enough. I am whole.
I love myself for who I am.
I am enough.
I am whole.
I am beautiful, as I am.
I am beautiful, as I am.
Who I am is beautiful.
Who I am is beautiful.