Fear

When I binged a few days ago, I was devastated. I felt like a failure, like it was time to give up.

I started to think about why I was so torn up about this binge, why I took it so personally. First off, I still feel some guilt/disappointment when I binge. But this was far more than that, so I think it's good to look into.


Lately, each time I start "anew" after a binge, I set it up as the "fix," as the "final solution." This last time, I really believed I was done with binges forever. I had a new tool (meal plan) and my new bracelet. I got both ideas from another blogger who's recovered from compulsive overeating, and she experienced that kind of "done with the overeating once and for all" that I desperately wanted. But as I write this, I realize that my disorder and my personality are unique. Not only did we have different disorders (compulsive overeating vs. binge eating disorder), we have different personalities (she's a 40 something mom of 2, I'm a single 20 something fresh out of college). In short, I was looking outside of myself for my "answer."

Looking inward is scary because it magnifies the feelings of failure. What I mean by that is there's what feels like a thick brick wall guarding so many of my feelings, beliefs, emotions, etc. I don't have the ability to just access all of that, so when I can't I feel extremely frustrated and often, like a failure. It's scary that accessing those things is out of my control. I like to avoid that feeling, so I manipulate my thoughts into thinking I've finally arrived at the "solution," the behaviors that will bring me to happiness and recovery.

It's a long, bumpy road to recovery. I'm walking it now, just by writing this, just be realizing a pattern. So as I start fresh again, I'm trying to reframe it to see the binge as part of my recovery--maybe a detour--but not as a failure in it. I binged for a reason. I think I'm closer to understanding why (fear of failure, fear of loss of "control"). And that may not be my last binge ever, but I could work towards not letting it last as long (3 days--with the 2nd two being driven solely by feelings of failure).

Binging is part of recovery, not a failure in recovery. It's a tool I can use to learn something about myself, a tool I can use to break a pattern. So I"m going to try to break this pattern of thinking of recovery as a "magic solution," and instead as a long journey that I have to keep on, even when I feel like giving up...especially when I feel like giving up.