Binge

Ok. I'm coming off a three-day binge. The last two days were purely mental--they came from a belief that I failed, and that to prevent further pain and feelings of failure, I should just take charge and keep bingeing. Distorted? Perhaps. But that's what I thought and I'm still in that thinking.

This also may be why I binged that first day. I was scared. Scared of feeling the pain. I set myself up at the beginning for "this time" to be the "magic pill." Except I realized today, the last two times I experienced something like the "magic pill solution," I relapsed. So this time, I DON'T want the magic pill. I want the hard work, the clarity, the perserverance, the strength--I want all the things that will lead me to full, stable, PERMANENT recovery. Even if it's three steps forward, two steps back. I need tools that will help me get through this disorder when it's HARD, when I'm at my worst, struggling. Because THEN, I can trust that my recovery is stable, and that I can use those tools when I really need it.

So for now, I'm thinking about what I can do to prevent another binge and to work through the anxiety/pain when it surfaces. I remember when I started, I used to have a few days when I wouldn't want to do anything, felt like shit no matter what. I didn't eat, but those days were probably my "binge" days now. Getting through them was torture, and I think that might be the answer. It's not going to be easy, and it's not supposed to be. And the added perk if it's really hard? I'll be a step closer to lasting recovery, because I made it through the rough times.