How I See Myself

The only thing holding me back is me. Nothing else. No one else. How I see myself. How I don't see myself. How I'm scared to see myself.

Today I feel like shit. I'm trying to protect myself, so it's safer to see myself as unworthy, awful, terrible.

But it's not true. That's a self-protection. Easier to believe that than believe anything else, risk having good things about me taken away.

I'm not awful. I'm not terrible. I AM not. I'm really f*cking tired of this, of having these thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not this or that.

I am enough, as I am. I am worthy, I am lovable, as I am.

I'm not perfect. I have a lot of character flaws, but they make me who I am. And what I can say about myself is no matter my flaws, I always try my best. I always do what I think is the right thing. My heart is in the right place.

All the things I want I can have. I'm afraid, and I understand why. And there's a lot more fear in there. But I can have love, support, beauty in my life.

People in my life want me to be happy. I have to stop being so afraid of it. I can grant myself the insurance I want that it won't be taken away gradually, over the course of a few years. But I have to be willing to smile, to love myself, to care about myself, to embrace joy in my life.

Instead of beating myself up, I forgive myself. I understand why I did what I did today. And I'll congratulate myself for what I accomplished:
As strange as this sounds, I'm proud of myself for writing this all out tonight. It took a lot of writing to get myself out of that thinking, but I did it. I've been writing every day for months. That's an accomplishment. I've been meditating the last few days a lot. I'm more willing to embrace these dark thoughts than I have been before, ever.