Frustrated, no, Angry

What am I afraid of, right now, in my life?

I'm afraid of my disorder
I'm afraid of dormant insecurities
I'm afraid of those insecurities taking over
I'm afraid of not finding a fulfilling, enjoyable career
I'm afraid of opening up

My disorder is really fighting me, and I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of just "managing" it while not truly resolving it. As long as that's the case, I'll only live half a life which I feel like I have been living lately. Like I have so many food thoughts, so many fears about binges, so many fears about things being taken away from me, that even though I don't act on them I'm still not out of the mindset. And I haaate the feeling of "faking it." I hate hate hate hate hate it. I don't know why but I know it leaves a sour fucking taste in my mouth. I cursed because that's how much I despise that feeling.

I don't want to constantly keep myself in check with my disorder. I don't want to manage the symptoms, while feeling empty inside, while still feeling the urges inside. I want to feel fulfilled inside, I want to feel loved, and then I won't want to think about food as anything more than food. I fucking hate the idea of faking it, but I also don't know what else to do sometimes. Trying to recover with all those powerful urges, it just feels hopeless sometimes. I feel like, what's the point? Those urges are more powerful than me. But then I also think, that's not an excuse to let my disorder take over. I do have to fight it, even when it's that difficult.

I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm angry I'm angry at my disorder for not going away. I'm mad that I still think about food, that I can't just let it be and live my life. I'm not mad at myself. I feel lonely and scared and I'm mad at my disorder. Right now I feel helpless against it. I feel terrified of fighting. I want to do this with people. I want help, I want connection. I'm tired of food mattering in ways it shouldn't. I'm tired of the part of me that's preventing me from feeling. I get its purpose, but I don't want its protection anymore. I don't know how to keep walking forward. I feel like I'm on the ground, scared and feeling alone, not sure how to get back up.