Letting go of the past

I confronted my mother about my childhood. And I didn't just say this or that happened, I told her precisely how it made me feel at the time (as though things that were happening were my fault, something wrong with me, etc.), and she cried. She told me it wasn't. And then that was it. No coming to me afterwards, no reminding me over and over that things weren't my fault, no standing up for me to my father. Nothing that she as an adult SHOULD have done, and it makes it so clear why as a kid I tried to hide my feelings. Because my parents could not get past their own shame to help me through the difficult situation. The situation...THEY caused. They caused it, let me feel horrible, and did nothing about it. And even today when I bring them up, they don't take responsibility. And since I opened up, I've been angry, confused, hurt, and a part of me shut down and locked this part of me inside. Because I had to, even as a kid. I couldn't have done it any differently than, and I can't do it differently now with my parents. They are not going to change. And they weren't going to when I was a kid.

I know some part of me deep down feels afraid to come out now, because my feelings feel so rejected. But that's not me. That's my parents. They are stuck in stuck mode, and they don't want to move. They don't even know how. And they love me, very much. And they want what's best for me. But they can't provide it. And that hurts me. It makes me feel like I've lost two parents, like I have to say goodbye to any chance of having an open, honest relationship with them.

To myself: I know you're afraid, I know you're sad. But I am here. I will listen. I will welcome your feelings, I will give you what you need. And if I can't, it won't be because your feelings aren't worth it, it'll be because I don't know how. And then I'll find out how.

Affirmation: I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I have a lot to give, and I'm going to give first to myself.
I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.