Friend

Lately I've been feeling a little rejected, a lot like I'm not good enough.

One of my good friends, someone I consider to be really close to me and someone I guess I consider to be very "normal" (in the ways I'm not but still deep down wish I was), called today. The last few weeks have been hard because I feel like I'm not good enough for her anymore. I'm always afraid of people leaving me, of coming to some realization that they don't "need" me anymore. I know this is distorted, I'm trying to work on it.

The last few days has been a lot better. I feel like we used to. And today when she called, she could tell something was wrong (just got in a big fight with brother), and I just let it all out. And cried. Not about us, but told her about what a hard time I was having with my family/with myself.

And now I feel so dumb. Dumb for opening up. Dumb for telling her all that, for exposing so many weaknesses. What if she really is pulling away? And now it'll be because of me? Because my emotions are ...somehow bad? Make me not worthy of someone sticking around?

Maybe I told her today because I wanted to test her, a test that no matter what she would fail. I'm trying to protect myself, so I push her away. I open up with these intense feelings, and no matter what use her reaction as proof that I'm not worthy.


That's the belief.

true? feels like it

Really true? No

Where would I be without this belief? I would be able to open up, without fear holding me back. I would feel my emotions are worthy of being expressed, of being heard. I would feel I am worthy of being heard.

Turn around:
The truth is none of that is true. She's my friend and wants to be there for me. That's how friendship works. I was there for her when she was going through a hard time during college, and now she wants to be there for me. I need to LET HER. And accept that, and accept that I'm worth it. I am.

It's scary, to risk losing this friendship. But this is my distorted view. And sometimes people leave us, and I have to accept that. That's a risk all people face, with friends, family, spouses, etc. A relationship is about being vulnerable. And I'm going through a really hard time right now, and I don't want to fake that. I have to let my friends be there, give them the chance to support me.

Another one: All the awful things that my brother and I said to each other--I want to talk to my mom about it but I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I'm hurt by it. I feel ashamed by what HE said to me. I feel ASHAMED. I don't know why. Who I am is not this tough exterior. I'm actually very sensitive, very fragile, very scared. Scared of admitting it. What if I do and it's all rejected?

Rejection will always be a risk. I can't change that. I can change how I feel about myself.