Frustration

I've been studying for this graduate school entrance exam, and it's pretty much an open door for my perfectionism to enter. It's caused me to avoid studying because I just don't feel like dealing with the feeling of frustration, discouragement, etc....all caused by the perfectionism. Tonight I was taking a practice test and wanted to avoid one of my fears of getting a low score so just turned it off (it was on the computer) and ate two bowls of cereal.

I know why I'm doing this. In my eyes this test is "super important" and determines everything--my future, my success, blah blah. I'm wise enough now that I know none of that is actually true, but perfectionism still seems to pop up whenever it can. I'm not going to not study, and I'm not going to not take the test, even though I feel like throwing in the towel. I gave up tonight, because coming face to face with that frustration is like dealing with hell. But I also know that it only gets power by me reacting to it. I give in, I give up, etc. It gets worse. So the key here, as awful as it may "SEEM" is to just finish the  practice test. And that's what I'm going to do. Even if I get a score of 400, or of 500. I'm going to sit it out and finish it. Yes my perfectionist mind will make me feel like a failure, but that's the key...it makes me FEEL like a failure, it doesn't MAKE me a failure. That's how it's gotten so strong. I start to identify with it. And I get scared of its consequences, like a low score. I can't run from that anymore. It may cause me to get a low score, but the only way to guarantee a good future is to accept that my state of mind affects me and proceed with life anyway.