Ever since I confronted my mom, we haven't talked about it since. We smile and laugh like nothing happened. For a few days I thought the confrontation was it--it helped me move on. But tonight, I thought about her. I thought about whether or not I could wish her happiness and blessings, and something held me back from doing so. Because I'm still angry. I'm angry that she doesn't give me the love and support I crave and need to succeed in life, that I have to go to other people for it. I'm angry that she won't do what I need.
I need her to help me, to guide me. I need her to support me, to listen to me, to want to listen to all my feelings. This hurt part within me feels so incredibly unwanted, and it needs her. But she's not going to give it what it needs. So the anger blocks the hurt and sadness. I have to let go of these desires to have her here for me, these desires that the past could have been any different, the desire that she could be any different. She is what she is. She may never be the mom I need her to be, but I know that she WANTS to be the mom I need her to be. She worked so hard and did so much for me when I was growing up, to be the best mom possible...according to her. She WANTED to give me all the love in the world. She THOUGHT she was. She was too immature to realize what I needed was a strong role model, a mature parent who could get past her own shame and hear my emotions, soothe my emotions. That's what I needed from her. That's what she couldn't give me. That's OK. Because I know that she wanted to give me the best, she still wants to.
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