Today I didn't binge or eat compulsively. But it was easy today. The scary part is what will happen when that powerful, powerful compulsion comes on again?
A girl in one of my support groups said she feels happy more often, but she's scared of when the sad comes. That's how I feel. I feel OK now, safe from the overeating. But what happens when it comes again?
I also realized there's some reason, some painful emotions that caused my relapse. It was like self-sabotage, I felt like I was trying to be something on the outside (abstinent) that I didn't feel on the inside (like a compulsive overeater). That really scares me, because I know how important it is for the shift to happen inside. And I feel like that's missing. I feel worthless inside, like a failure. And that's what holds me back.
Am I worthless? No. I am worthwhile. Everyone is. Am I a failure? No. I've been working so hard at my recovery, and failure only means that I need to rework and try something new. Not I'm a failure, but I think I can do it better next time. And I think I can do it better this time.
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